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Blair: Everyone will catch Covid in 45mins




The former PM and unrepentant liar has given the anti-vax movement a significant boost by promoting a fourth vaccine. Complained one scientist: 'Great, just what we needed, an endorsement by Harold Shipman'.


The snake-oil salesman insisted the fourth jab was necessary, as Saddam Hussain had caused Covid. Said one voter: 'I assume Blair has just been lobbied by big Pharma to inject us with Bill Gates' nanobots. Either that, or he'll dose us up with Rohypnol and steal our bank details.


Blair explained that he would coordinate the injections from a secluded wood. It would be administered by a nice MI5 man and we won't 'feel a thing'. And, anyway, the autopsy report would just say suicide.



First published 23 Dec 2021


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VIP lane criticised for using sub-standard VIPs


The former Conservative Government, of no fixed abode, pleaded guilty this week to using ‘VIPs of a substandard or shoddy quality’.


Public bodies are legally required to put large contracts out to competitive tender. During the Covid crisis the Johnson government took the unprecedented step of ignoring the law and buying PPE from VIPs instead, presumably in a bid to make plastic overalls a bit more glamorous.


The problem was that Ministers didn’t know any actual VIPs. Instead of Hollywood A listers, Premiership footballers or James Bond, the PPE was bought from people like Matt Hancock’s pub landlord. If he had coincidentally turned out to be Al Murray this might have worked - but he isn’t.


We asked a civil servant: what went wrong? ‘Well’, he said, ‘we don’t get much excitement, so pretty much anybody off the telly would have turned our heads, but literally every so-called VIP was a nonentity. The only Very Important attribute any of them brought was that they were friends with a Minister. Funny, that’.


Michelle Mone is set to appeal the court’s judgment, entering some raunchy photos of her on a yacht in lacey underwear as evidence of her ‘attributes’.


The case continues . . .



RFK Jr: 'Why I cancelled funds for vaccine research'


RFK Jr briefly stopped snorting massive lines of Colombia's finest to issue the following statement:


'Big Pharma has been slacking off! Big Pharma hasn’t found a way to cure of chronic left wing tendencies, which are clearly aberrant and anti-American and a threat to the natural order of things. And I’m worried that other countries, like Russia and Iran and North Korea may have already cracked this problem, and stolen a lead on the U S of A.


Why hasn’t Big Pharma been on the case? Because it’s been fooling around trying to solve problems we don’t have, like the common cold, or dementia, or arrogance, or bad driving, or obesity, or climate change, or whatever.


So I have cancelled funding for leading edge vaccines to help big pharma to focus on more pressing problems. I want Big Pharma to find a cure for left-wing tendencies and the related conditions called unexplained democratic voting syndrome (UDVS) and Trump-Scepticism. Those companies need to get their best people on that straight away. And they need to give them the best laboratories, the best offices, and the best secretaries, too. With absolutely no expectation of campaign donations in return. No, Sir!


As soon as Big Pharma has a good lead on how to cure left-wing tendencies, then this government will be piling in with billions of dollars for clinical trials, factories, marketing campaigns, and animal testing, and whatever. Yes, Siree!


And maybe then we can talk again about vaccines for Covid and measles and Ebola and stuff.'


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