Crime | NewsBiscuit

Harry 'Fingers' McClean exonerated by internal committee

Oct 9

Harry 'Fingers' McClean, currently under investigation by the Metropolitan Police for burglary, theft with menaces, carrying an offensive weapon, spitting in a latte, extortion, unnatural relations with a small puppy, tax avoidance with threats, operating a TV without a valid licence, and using sweary words in a public place, has been exonerated by an internal investigation. The investigation panel consisted of his mum and his Uncle Robert, who incidentally isn't a real uncle but does stop over to keep the family safe while Harry's dad serves time in Strangeways.

'We've looked at all the evidence, and we've interviewed Harry down the pub, and we can't find a shred of guilt,' said Harry's mum, who has based her investigative style on Nigel Farage. 'He's thorough, is Nigel. Nuffink sticks, nor will it to our Harry,' she said.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police gave an official sigh. He noted that the Met seemed to have a lot more physical evidence than Mrs McClean. 'Our investigation, using real detectives and actual evidence, is taking a bit longer than Harry's mum, but if he is exonerated then we'll be the first to admit we were wrong,' he said, adding, 'but it is interesting that she interviewed him in the pub, as he's been in prison on remand for the last three months. Maybe we need to broaden our investigation.'

Image credit: Wix AI

www.newsbiscuit.com

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

B52s needed to protect the voting booths

Throngsman

Oct 8

President Trump has denied that the US Air Force has been spooked by three Transit vans and five guys syphoning petrol. The relocation of the B52 bomber fleet is more to do with illegal voting than being scared of Iran. Honestly.

'Iran isn't an issue for the United States,' he said today, 'but illegal voting is.' There is little, if any, evidence of meaningful voting crime in the US, and the President thinks dropping nuclear bomb on potential Democrat voting queues would completely eliminate it.

'I accept a few misguided Democrat voters might be collateral damage,' the President said, 'but my advisor in Moscow says this is the only way we can guarantee there aren't any false votes cast.'

President Vladimir Putin wasn't available for comment.

Image credit: ChatGPT

www.newsbiscuit.com

Cluedo Withdrawn as Weapon Pieces Used in Real Murder

classicqueen

Sep 20

Toy store shelves across the world were today being emptied of all versions of the classic Cluedo murder mystery board game after a pensioner was brutally murdered by someone armed with 4 of the "murder weapon" pieces in the game.

73 year-old James Perbright was found beaten by the lead pipe, strung up by his fingers with several of the miniature ropes, stabbed in both eyes with the dagger, and had the candle stick wedged in his throat. The culprit has not been found but police have ruled out the local vicar, the maid, and the university Professor living next door.

Waddingtons immediately reacted to the disturbing incident by recalling all games both in the shops and those already sold to prevent a repeat. "No one envisaged that such small things could be as deadly as if they were full-size," said a company spokesman.

Police are using the clue that at least five games may have been bought at once to obtain the ropes needed for both hands as a line of enquiry.

Meanwhile, MB, Mattel and Waddingtons are looking into other board games to establish if similar risks exist anywhere else in their ranges.

Rumours that a cartel of people traffickers have been using the Operation board game accessories to take out migrants' organs for sale have not yet been disproven by investigators.

Photo: Newsbiscuit Archive

Back to Top