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Ministry of Justice to implement new hard-hitting plans to deal with convicted prisoners


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In an attempt to staunch the recent and highly embarrassing flow of prisoners being allowed to go free moments after having been sentenced to imprisonment, the Ministry of Justice has issued new tough guidelines.


A department spokesman explained: 'We've come up with a rather clever scheme, actually. As convicted prisoners leave the dock, a security guard will accompany them to a holding area in the court to be known as "the cells".


'There they will await the arrival of transport to bring them to jail. Upon arrival there they will be shown into their new accommodation and the door will then be locked. Why no one's thought of it before is somewhat puzzling. Gosh, what silly old sausages we've been.' 


Photo by 7500 RPM on Unsplash

Highest ever delivery figures achieved by Amazon Crime

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A brand in an industry notorious for failing on the one thing it is supposed to do, has finally achieved more than one star on Drunkpilot.


'When it comes to delivering goods to clients in prison, we can't be beaten,' confirmed Sam Pell, head of incarcerated customer satisfaction at Amazon Crime. 'We have a 100% success rate in not deliberately leaving packages with a neighbour.'


Industry watchdog, Amazon Crimewatch UK, are critical, however. 'Firstly, their target market have a tendency to be in. Secondly, they're criminals with a horrendous track record in tax evasion who have no right to run a delivery service.'


Criminals propose 'just scrapping' criminal justice system


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Convicted criminals across the country have strongly suggested we should 'completely scrap' the criminal justice system.


Ben, who received a five year sentence just last week, is heading up the campaign: 'Its nothing to do with the fact I've just been convicted - that's complete pure coincidence. I've been thinking for ages we should just get rid of the criminal justice system entirely. I'm definitely right because all my mates agree. Pick-pocket-Paul backs me up, and so does Half-Inch-It-Ian. Whether I committed the crime or not is neither here nor there.'


Ben's mates have said they are 'horrified' at the current system which is 'fundamentally flawed' but couldn't really explain how. They are calling for Ben's immediate release and exoneration, saying that despite the mountain of evidence that he did commit a crime, scrapping the system entirely would override that.


This has prompted a number of other campaigns, with burglars unanimously voting to scrap security cameras, cyber criminals demanding we scrap firewalls and murderers proposing we scrap forensic pathologists.





First published 5 Nov 2021


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