English Tourist Board calls for 'more interesting' murders

Tourism bosses have expressed 'dismay' at the grubby, unphotogenic nature of so many murders nowadays.

'We had one last week, lovely picturesque English village, honeysuckle round the vicarage door, cobbled streets, church bells – some nobody murdered his wife – also of no social status – after too much to drink. Would it have been too much trouble to kill a professor instead? Or to have left anagram clues? I despair'.

The only things keeping English tourism alive are the Royal Family and quaint murders. The ETB is rumoured to be hacked off with the Royal Family also, but they don't voice their concerns in case it scuppers the odd gong down the line.

'England is known for its carefully crafted murders', a spokesman told us. 'Curare, vicars, maybe a vintage car or two. Americans love it. We've asked for GCSE Poisoning to be reintroduced to the curriculum. Can't think why they ever cancelled it'.

Netflix have joined the ETB's campaign, highlighting the boost to the economy from telegenic murders. 'We bring around ten million of your quaint English pounds into the country when we film a mini-series', a mogul said. 'So a retired sea captain and a coupla spinsters hit the deck a little early. So what? We all have to go'.

Image: George Ciobra (@george_ciobra) | Unsplash Photo Community

Liverpool not chosen as stereotypical of Gotham City

We honestly had no idea what Liverpool was like, before setting it as Gotham City, the most crime-ridden city in Yankeeland, the producer of the next Batman film told Newsbiscuit.

Standing next to the Batmobile perched on bricks, while the crew waited for replacement wheels to arrive, he went on to say “We’ve only been in town a couple of days, but I’m already liking Liverpool. Such a wonderful sense of humour the people here have.”

image by Gemini Google

Security warning about bogus roadworks

MI5 have flagged a serious security threat from bogus roadmenders.

The service has noted over a dozen incidents where roadworks were carried out, but were not authorised by the local council, and were not traceable to a recognised utility company. The roadmenders vans often bear the names of genuine companies and claims to be working as subcontractors for legitimate companies, or for Thames Water. The signage, the traffic cones, and the complete absence of any work happening, make the bogus roadworks look very convincing.

In one case, strategically placed roadworks - and horrendous queues of traffic - were used to prevent the police from getting to a bank raid in time, and to allow the robbers to escape

MI5 believes that hostile actors, and roadmenders, may be interfering with Britain's utilities, installing devices that slow down broadband, syphon off electricity or clog up sewage systems. And they also use badly sequenced temporary traffic lights to mess up the transport system, with the aim of crippling the economy.

A spokesman said, 'It can be hard to tell bogus roadworks from the real thing. The telltale signs are slow broadband, potholes, sewage overflows, power cuts, poorly mended roads, and the smell of gas. Of course, sometimes these issues are the result of genuine incompetence, but we would encourage people to always call 999, just in case.'

image from pixabay