Crime | NewsBiscuit

Probation Service to receive extra stationery

Sep 6

In readiness for the early release of a few million murderers and rapists, the Home Office has announced an increase in rubber bands, headed notepaper and staples for the Probation Service.

‘This Government is committed to public service’, a spokesman said. ‘Whether it’s extra envelopes, a swivel chair or whiteboard markers, we aim to ensure that public services are properly resourced’.

Jake, 32, is a probation officer in Liverpool. ‘I’m really buzzing about the extra paper’, he said. ‘I’m getting 3,000 more crims on my caseload next month so I’ll need to keep the printer stacked. And the paperclips should be handy in keeping my eyelids open’.

Image: geralt - Pixabay

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Reform UK introduces donor card scheme

Jeremynh

Sep 4

If you believe this, you'll believe anything

Insurgent populist party Reform UK has introduced a revolutionary donor card scheme which it hopes British citizens will carry with them at all times.

The card says: "In the event of me happening to be related to some very rich foreigner, I will allow millions of Bitcoins to be channelled through my bank account into the coffers of Reform UK."

I suppose there is nothing wrong with such a card being printed or carried," said Court of Appeal judge Lord Bufton Tufton, considering an application for the donor card to be banned. "But if we were to find out that Reform was secretly getting money from foreign donors in this way, the law would crack down on the practice as decisively as it is doing now - ie. not at all."

Image: Co-Pilot

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Recap at start of TV crime drama bears no relation to plot at all

ChrisF

Jul 12

The 'Previously..' segment at the start of episode 4 of an ITV crime drama bears frustratingly little connection to what you've watched over the last 3 episodes, and is actually making you question your memory and sanity, it has been confirmed.

The plot of 'Gone for Good' seems relatively straightforward and you were quite enjoying it - a slow-burning 6 parter, about a seemingly sociopathic doctor who is the prime suspect in the murder of his wife and the guy she was having an affair with.

Featuring a dogged female detective with problems of her own in her personal life, but who develops a begrudging respect for the beleaguered doctor and his wayward son, you have been wondering, like the detective - maybe he isn't guilty after all, despite what the rest of the CID team think, as well as the dryly humorous pathologist, and wacky IT specialist.

Yet the recaps at the start of each episode are annoyingly missing out a lot of the key details about the story so far, and - hold on, that snippet of conversation they've just replayed was actually said in a different way in episode 3 wasn't it? And the doctor actually said 'you need a long rest, mate' to one of his patients in episode 1, not dubbed over the footage of him standing over his best mate in episode 2 after discovering him lying in a pool of blood with an axe in his head.

And, haven't they just mixed up the order of things - that restaurant scene with the detective and the slightly odd GP's receptionist that she's known for years was in episode 2, and yet the brick being thrown through the police detective's window that they cut to straight after the restaurant in the recap - that was in the opening episode wasn't it?

And why the hell are they focusing for 30 seconds in this recap on some random guy that was only in episode 2 in the background scene digging a big hole in the woods in the dark of night and looking really pained, can they not just focus on things that are important to know!

image from Google Gemini

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