Chris Packham's crime spree starts with bank job

Claiming to raise awareness over climate issues, the activist has just used it as an excuse to pinch hubcaps, vandalize a scout hut and punch a badger. Promising to break the law to save the environment, all he seems to have done so far, is threaten an elderly passersby and pocket pic'n'mix from the local corner shop.

Terrorizing his neighbourhood, Packham has hijacked a local skate park, to sell weed to sixth formers and set fire to bins. His criminal enterprise will only stop when the earth is saved or when he gets nicked for soliciting.

Targetted acts have ended up indiscriminate crimes, culminating with him having graffitied a family of otters. Police have caught him stealing traffic cones and daring his mates to trespass on the railway line. The BBC said 'It's not Spring Watch, it's Neighbourhood Watch.

British Museum to hold 'closing down sale'

It was announced today that the British Museum, under pressure from academics and activists to repatriate artefacts taken from elsewhere in the world, will hold a 'closing down sale'.

Under the slogan 'Everything must go!!!', the museum will encourage descendants of the original owners to turn up and take home its exhibits. 'There are handy labels to show where we got everything, in case of confusion' explained a spokesman.

'And if it turns out no one’s that bothered about a bit of old pot that some distant ancestor of theirs might once have used, well, just come and take it anyway. Frankly we’re tired of the bad publicity.'

Ironically, some of the unclaimed artefacts already form part of an exhibition on European colonialism at a museum in Nairobi.

'We can’t be 100% sure why the British went all over the world collecting these random objects,' explains the card next to one display case. 'Presumably it had some sort of ritual significance for them.'

Image: the blowup (@theblowup) | Unsplash Photo Community

What's a shop-keeper to do?