Crime | NewsBiscuit 2/20

Louvre gang aims for first sub-four-minute robbery

rogt
Oct 23

The four-man gang who carried out the daring daylight raid on the Louvre say that, although the seven-minutes it took is a personal best, they are now aiming to shave at least one, two or even three minutes from their next job.

Gang member Gaston Leroi, not his real name, posted on social media: 'The sub-four-minute heist has long been the goal of museum and gallery thieves, ever since Roger Bannister broke the four-minute barrier in Oxford in 1954 with three stolen textbooks from Blackwell’s stuffed down his shorts.'

Police believe the thieves are likely to have retreated to their training ground deep in the French countryside, and are asking farmers to keep an eye on any outbuildings. The gang has said they are happy to undergo a drugs test to prove they did not use any performance enhancing substances during the Louvre raid. 'Thieves who do that are cheating,' Leroi added. 'It’s dishonest.'

Meanwhile, the truck that carried the mechanical ladder has received a €100 parking ticket and there is continuing disagreement over who will pay. The museum has scribbled ‘Sarkozy to cover’ on a note underneath one of the wipers.

Image credit: Benh LIEU SONG, Wikimedia Commons, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0

Those stolen Louvre national treasures in full

Jeremynh
Oct 20

'Mon Dieu!' wailed a curator from the Louvre. 'These jewels swiped from our museum were literally unique.

'Just think, these Philistines took Brigitte Bardot's cat flap. How can we ever replace a national treasure like that?

'And they stole Sir Stephen Fry - a British national treasure which was on loan to us from King Charles. They must have cut him up into pieces to get him through the Louvre window.

'Quel dommage! Such damage! They will probably end up being sold for scrap.'

Image credit: Benh LIEU SONG, Wikimedia Commons, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0

Three held on charges of historic crimes against music

Chipchase
Oct 2

Following a raid at an address in Manchester, it’s understood three men have been arrested by police and are being questioned regarding historic crimes against music. The investigation dates back to the mid-1980s.

Greater Manchester Police has not named the men but its widely believed that they are Mike Stock, Matt Aitken, and Pete Waterman, the three shadowy masterminds behind PWL. A record label that saw Kylie Minogue, Jason Donovan and Bananarama rise to fame, all singing the same bloody song over and over and over again.

Professor of Contemporary Music at Imperial College, Martin Emerson, explains: ‘Nearly every one of these songs consisted of the same chords, in the same key, at the same tempo, and all used the same instrumentation and an effing drum machine playing an identical pattern. Quite honestly, the repetitive nature of their output made Status Quo sound groundbreaking and innovative.’

It’s believed that one act signed to the label, Rick Astley, who only managed to escape their clutches by pretending to go and make some tea during a marathon 72 hour recording session, has now decided to blow the whistle and will be instrumental in providing evidence in any forthcoming action to be brought against the three.

When approached by BBC’s Panorama, former antipodean heartthrob, Jason Donovan, was remaining tight-lipped, but pop princess, Minogue, did make a brief statement. ‘You’d like me to tell you about what it was like working for PWL? Yeah right. You should be so lucky!’

Image: Pixabay/Pexels

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