In an attempt to staunch the recent and highly embarrassing flow of prisoners being allowed to go free moments after having been sentenced to imprisonment, the Ministry of Justice has issued new tough guidelines.
A department spokesman explained: 'We've come up with a rather clever scheme, actually. As convicted prisoners leave the dock, a security guard will accompany them to a holding area in the court to be known as "the cells".
'There they will await the arrival of transport to bring them to jail. Upon arrival there they will be shown into their new accommodation and the door will then be locked. Why no one's thought of it before is somewhat puzzling. Gosh, what silly old sausages we've been.'
A brand in an industry notorious for failing on the one thing it is supposed to do, has finally achieved more than one star on Drunkpilot.
'When it comes to delivering goods to clients in prison, we can't be beaten,' confirmed Sam Pell, head of incarcerated customer satisfaction at Amazon Crime. 'We have a 100% success rate in not deliberately leaving packages with a neighbour.'
Industry watchdog, Amazon Crimewatch UK, are critical, however. 'Firstly, their target market have a tendency to be in. Secondly, they're criminals with a horrendous track record in tax evasion who have no right to run a delivery service.'