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Those stolen Louvre national treasures in full


'Mon Dieu!' wailed a curator from the Louvre. 'These jewels swiped from our museum were literally unique.


'Just think, these Philistines took Brigitte Bardot's cat flap. How can we ever replace a national treasure like that?


'And they stole Sir Stephen Fry - a British national treasure which was on loan to us from King Charles. They must have cut him up into pieces to get him through the Louvre window.


'Quel dommage! Such damage! They will probably end up being sold for scrap.'



Image credit: Benh LIEU SONG, Wikimedia Commons, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0

Three held on charges of historic crimes against music



Following a raid at an address in Manchester, it’s understood three men have been arrested by police and are being questioned regarding historic crimes against music. The investigation dates back to the mid-1980s.


Greater Manchester Police has not named the men but its widely believed that they are Mike Stock, Matt Aitken, and Pete Waterman, the three shadowy masterminds behind PWL. A record label that saw Kylie Minogue, Jason Donovan and Bananarama rise to fame, all singing the same bloody song over and over and over again.


Professor of Contemporary Music at Imperial College, Martin Emerson, explains: ‘Nearly every one of these songs consisted of the same chords, in the same key, at the same tempo, and all used the same instrumentation and an effing drum machine playing an identical pattern. Quite honestly, the repetitive nature of their output made Status Quo sound groundbreaking and innovative.’


It’s believed that one act signed to the label, Rick Astley, who only managed to escape their clutches by pretending to go and make some tea during a marathon 72 hour recording session, has now decided to blow the whistle and will be instrumental in providing evidence in any forthcoming action to be brought against the three.


When approached by BBC’s Panorama, former antipodean heartthrob, Jason Donovan, was remaining tight-lipped, but pop princess, Minogue, did make a brief statement. ‘You’d like me to tell you about what it was like working for PWL? Yeah right. You should be so lucky!’





First published 2 Oct 2021


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Robber planning penultimate heist to evade justice


Serial bank robber Danny ‘Fingers’ MacGregor is to carry out his penultimate bank job, a move described by police as “unsporting”.


‘As a police officer I live for final jobs’, DI Watkins told us. ‘Well, final jobs and doughnuts. With a blagger as careful as Fingers you only get one chance to nail him – his last job. The one he can retire on. Always make a mistake, see? Usually it’s a last-minute substitution because the wheelman has a dodgy tummy, sometimes they try to double cross Mr Big – doesn’t matter what it is, the gods are watching, and they know.


‘However, by planning his final two jobs but only carrying out the first, Fingers will miss all that bad luck. I had hoped to see him go down before I retired but this is my final week in the job. Hope it’s reasonably uneventful. For some reason the boss has partnered me with a psychopathic weirdo with a death wish, but I’m sure all will be well’.


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