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Plan to reduce prison population by making it legal to nick stuff only wealthy people can afford



An ingenious plan to reduce the number of prisoners incarcerated in British jails has been suggested, whereby it would become perfectly legal to steal goods that only wealthy people own.


A minister explained to Newsbiscuit that it costs in the region of £50K per annum to keep the average scroat in prison, but that money has to come from people who actually pay tax, so it's only the poor who pay for prisons.


“There’s no way we can justify keeping people in prison for stealing from the rich when pensioners have to go without their winter fuel allowance. It isn’t as though Britain benefits from the wealthy buying expensive goods, because they’re all manufactured abroad these days.


"It might be a different matter if the wealthy paid tax and could justify why the state should protect their assets, but until they do, it’s more important we keep prison places available to keep right-wing rioters off the streets.


"The Tories won’t be happy about this, but who cares now they are out of power and unlikely to return in the foreseeable future? Naturally it will remain a crime to steal ZIL-4104s or Trabants and Moscovitches, but we don’t anticipate their owners will report such thefts.


"To tell the truth, if it helps deter wankers from buying Range Rovers, that will be a plus too.”



'Campest crime ever' as man loots bath bombs from Lush



A rioter in Hull who used the civil disorder to loot bath bombs from a branch of Lush has been accused of committing 'surely the campest crime in history'.


John Honey (yes, really) was appearing in Hull’s Crown Court when the judge made his remarks.


'We normally find that men experience a surge of testosterone during situations like this,' said Mr Justice Gobshite. 'But not you, apparently. I suspect the closest you ever come to testosterone is sniffing other men’s underpants on washing lines. Probably drinking a babycham with your little finger in the air while you do it.'


'Frankly you deserve a custodial sentence, but I doubt even a women’s prison would take you.'


Sociologists also pronounced themselves baffled by his behaviour. 'We’ve been aware of toxic masculinity for a while, but this… we don’t have a name for this.'


After summing up, the judge sentenced Honey to be beaten about the head with a handbag, while wearing last season’s colours to make it even more humiliating.


Image: Wix AI

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