- NewsBiscuit
- Aug 6, 2025
August 2024
The Paris Olympics come to an end. Britain wins 65 medals and comes in third behind the USA and China. More importantly, we are top in Europe, and we get more medals than Australia.
To tarnish Olympic success, the month is marred by summer rioting. This is fuelled by nonsense spread by social media, which is lapped up by the gullible. After warming up (ha!) on winter fuel payments, Keir Starmer continues to play the tough guy. He releases some old lags from prison to make more cells available to lock up the rioters.
UK water companies are fined millions for sewage spills. Again. Does this happen every month? It seems to.
In the entertainment world, police issue an arrest warrant for Katie Price after she fails to attend a bankruptcy hearing. And Harry and Meghan go to Colombia to ‘make the internet safer for children’. And to promote their charity work. And themselves. How could they choose Colombia over the Edinburgh Festival?
In overseas news, Ukraine, Gaza.
In the US, a judge rules that Google have an illegal monopoly over internet searches. Finally, an American news story that isn’t about the US Election.
Here is a selection of the top stories from August 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.
Crime and punishment
Politics
Sport and entertainment
Other news
Headlines
GCHQ close to decoding rules for cycling Keirin
'I take my job as an MP seriously,' wins joke of the Fringe
Puppeteer offers to explain string theory
Search for 'Google's illegal online monopoly' yields no results
Top uni accepts students with 25m back stroke certificate
Police tasked with arresting Katie Price have no idea what she looks like
Builder who lost his plans of the stairs told to retrace his steps
Israel and Hamas, in a rare show of unity, agree to continue hostilities
Starmer pledges to transform UK steel industry into no-steel industry
No signs of green shoots on Conservative party stump
‘The UK is too dangerous for me and my family’ says Harry as he lands in Colombia
English tourist resort attracts more visitors with rioting mini breaks
Image credit: Wix
Panicked defenders of Ghislaine Maxwell have been scrabbling for further laughable excuses for her behaviour, as, despite being incarcerated, evidence has emerged of her returning to her pimping habits faster than Jeffrey Epstein removing a troublesome retainer from the downturned mouth of a dead-eyed thirteen-year-old.
Within hours of R Kelly beginning his own 30-year sentence trapped in the custodial closet, Miss Maxwell has been charged with grooming underage girls and trafficking them through to the “I believe I can fly in the face of common decency” singer’s cell, allegedly for a little bump ’n’ grind.
'It’s not her fault she can’t resist powerful, charismatic singers,' bleated a close associate and fellow pension-fund botherer, obstinately deaf to the rest of the world clearly not giving a sh!t. 'It started with a Chuck Berry record. Then she discovered Marvin Gaye, and soon it was Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley, Ted Nugent - I mean, you can’t fault their morals, but it became an addiction.'
Believed to have fallen under the spell of Kelly, whose sickening offences are matched only by his horrific crimes against music, the disgraced heiress and defender of the sisterhood used a tunnel to smuggle the girls through to his cell, which she is accused of having scraped out in under 24 hours using only a Chanel mascara wand and the stick she’s suspected of having up her ass for the last 60 years.
'The single mindedness with which she dug through to Kelly’s cell is terrifying, but you’ve got to admire the impressive work-rate,' said a prison guard. 'It could have remained undiscovered, but luckily she chose to cover the aperture with a lipstick-stained poster of Bill Wyman, which did raise something of a red flag.'
First published 1 July 2022
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