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PM defends UK refugee progress - or would do if there was any




A spokesman for the Prime Minister confirmed that as of today 'three Ukrainians have been admitted to the UK on top of the 1.5 million or so taken by Poland.' When pushed the spokesman said the PM thought it outrageous that all three had been admitted, but it turned out one was a potential Tory Party donor, 'so that was alright.'


'We are prepared to provide refuge for oligarchs, billionaires and all potential donors, of course,' added the spokesman, 'but those poor war-torn people - well, they're poor aren't they? What can they donate? Perhaps if they left any valuables at the Channel Tunnel entrance and returned to East Europe everybody would be happy,' he added.




First published 9 Mar 2022


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NHS to increase efficiency with IT



The NHS is to increase efficiency by changing the way that patients access healthcare.


Under new proposals, patients will have to sign up for a free ID, then use that to login to a secure NHS website and put their mobile number in, so they can receive a text with a secret code. This code can then be quoted to a robot that they call on an NHS hotline, which will allow them to choose from a menu of symptoms by pressing the phone buttons.


The answers will then be posted under a secure login on another NHS website, which will require an email account so that they can receive updates about the service. Then their answers to the multi-choice questions can be accessed by the free ID login to enable the booking of a phone consultation with a robot healthcare assistant.


'But the good news is that its still a free service,' said a government insider.

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