Motorists fear Taliban takeover of petrol stations when army withdraw

As if they haven’t suffered enough in the past few days, UK motorists are now voicing fears that the Taliban will take over petrol stations as soon as the Army withdraw from delivering petrol.

“It is all well and good bringing in the Army but what is the exit strategy? At the moment, it looks like there isn’t one which leaves the door wide open for the Taliban,” said a spokesperson for the Institute of Advanced Panicking. “The lessons haven’t been learnt from Afghanistan.”

The Institute is calling on the Army to evacuate any motorist filling up their car or queueing to do so, as well as petrol station staff, as soon as they have supplied a station with petrol.

“I am really worried now,” one driver queuing for petrol told reporters. “If the Taliban take over the petrol stations then where will I get my daily Ginster pasty or cheap wilting flowers for the wife on the way home from work on our anniversary. It is a real threat to the British way of life.”

Image: Pixabay/Skitterphoto

Every Christmas to be 'saved' by Boris ad infinitum

Downing Street insiders have confirmed that Britain is to be subjected to an avoidable crisis every Autumn so that Boris can continue to 'save' Christmas for the nation.

"It's a new Christmas tradition", explained a Conservative spokesman. "The Victorians gave us trees, holly, carol-singing, child poverty and prostitution. The modern Conservative Party has added Boris Rescue to the traditions, while continuing with trees, holly, carol-singing, child poverty and prostitution.

"Boris and Father Christmas are already confused in people's minds. We've developed artwork for a Santa with unruly blond hair and an erection. Instead of leaving mince pies and carrots by the fireplace we're asking people to leave their teenage daughters. Could Boris impregnate them all in one night? Possibly - it's only be a slight increase on his usual pace".

Children will continue to write letters to Santa, though instead of toys they should ask for food.

Next year's crisis is still at the planning stage. Civil servants are drawing up plans to have all the turkeys abducted, though they would welcome suggestions from the public.

"The ideal crisis is something entirely foreseeable and manageable, which we can somehow make 1,000% worse through a combination of poor communication and ministerial cretinism", the spokesman explained. "It's an inversion of the traditional role of government, which hitherto has been to make things better for the nation".

News editors have welcomed the plan, as it will relieve the tedium of having to make up a headline once a year.

Journalism in crisis as interviewed journalist fails to follow convention

The world of journalism was in crisis today as a journalist forgot the most important aspect of good professional behaviour during a radio interview. During a spot on Radio 4, when being interviewed as a substitute for someone on the grounds that he knew something, he completely failed to support his interviewer and fellow journalist by saying that what was being asked was "a very good question".

He went on to omit the second most important elaboration, namely that an extra nugget of information he was about to convey was "particularly interesting". Nor did the accepted variant of "really fascinating" crop up at any point.

The final disgrace was the absence of any comment to the effect that "everyone wants to know" the answer to the unheralded Very Good Question.

According to a spokesman for Radio 4, 'A journalist refusing to deny that he hadn't confirmed that he had omitted not to describe a question as very good, was of great concern to our listeners.'

HATTIP: Sir Lupus