Britain has prepaid gas & electricity meters fitted to combat energy cost chaos

It was confirmed this evening Britain has had prepaid meters fitted for its use of gas and electricity.

Both devices were installed in a small cupboard under the stairs at No.10 Downing St. The operation was overseen by the current tenant, Boris Johnson, who posed for pictures in a pristine hi-vis jacket during the fitting.

A spokesperson told the press: ‘Boris thinks this is rather splendid and that it will certainly see us, as a nation, not overstepping the mark. We must cut our cloth according to our means and not spend all our cash on cigs, booze, bingo and tax breaks for multinational corporations.

‘And what’s more, paying a significantly higher tariff than necessary, will help focus or minds on not leaving the lights on and so forth.

‘We will have to buckle down and be responsible in paying for our energy. Boris admits its a pity that we flogged off our ownership to the private sector. But also, he says its not all bad news, as some of the chaps in the party who hoovered up then sold their shares, have made a decent bob or two on the deal.

‘The PM reckons Govey boy knows this chap who can let him have a special gizmo to make the wheels and numbers go backwards', continued the spokesperson. 'And although these can be quite dangerous and blow up, causing fires and even worse, Boris reckons this can't really any worse than the shit show we now find ourselves participating in?'

Image: Pixabay/Geralt

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Motorists fear Taliban takeover of petrol stations when army withdraw

As if they haven’t suffered enough in the past few days, UK motorists are now voicing fears that the Taliban will take over petrol stations as soon as the Army withdraw from delivering petrol.

“It is all well and good bringing in the Army but what is the exit strategy? At the moment, it looks like there isn’t one which leaves the door wide open for the Taliban,” said a spokesperson for the Institute of Advanced Panicking. “The lessons haven’t been learnt from Afghanistan.”

The Institute is calling on the Army to evacuate any motorist filling up their car or queueing to do so, as well as petrol station staff, as soon as they have supplied a station with petrol.

“I am really worried now,” one driver queuing for petrol told reporters. “If the Taliban take over the petrol stations then where will I get my daily Ginster pasty or cheap wilting flowers for the wife on the way home from work on our anniversary. It is a real threat to the British way of life.”

Image: Pixabay/Skitterphoto

Every Christmas to be 'saved' by Boris ad infinitum

Downing Street insiders have confirmed that Britain is to be subjected to an avoidable crisis every Autumn so that Boris can continue to 'save' Christmas for the nation.

"It's a new Christmas tradition", explained a Conservative spokesman. "The Victorians gave us trees, holly, carol-singing, child poverty and prostitution. The modern Conservative Party has added Boris Rescue to the traditions, while continuing with trees, holly, carol-singing, child poverty and prostitution.

"Boris and Father Christmas are already confused in people's minds. We've developed artwork for a Santa with unruly blond hair and an erection. Instead of leaving mince pies and carrots by the fireplace we're asking people to leave their teenage daughters. Could Boris impregnate them all in one night? Possibly - it's only be a slight increase on his usual pace".

Children will continue to write letters to Santa, though instead of toys they should ask for food.

Next year's crisis is still at the planning stage. Civil servants are drawing up plans to have all the turkeys abducted, though they would welcome suggestions from the public.

"The ideal crisis is something entirely foreseeable and manageable, which we can somehow make 1,000% worse through a combination of poor communication and ministerial cretinism", the spokesman explained. "It's an inversion of the traditional role of government, which hitherto has been to make things better for the nation".

News editors have welcomed the plan, as it will relieve the tedium of having to make up a headline once a year.