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Digital ID or trial by jury - you can't have both


In a Sophie's Choice between one beloved child and Kevin from Home Alone, the British public have to pick between 1000 years of unbroken civil rights or making Tony Blair filthy rich. Said one voter: "It's a tough one. Lose a corner stone of justice or make it easier to shop at Primark."


Removing jury trials would save an astronomical £31 million, whereas ID's only cost a mere £600million a year - that's fantastic news, as it gives us a saving of minus £569 million. "Yes, we could of irradicated child hunger from the UK for the cost of digital ID, but those kids can now get a full meal when they get wrongly imprisoned.


"Anyway, Magna Carta? What has she done for us recently?"



£1.8bn for Digital ID but think of the clubcard points!


The general public are outraged by the profligacy, but no one can turn their nose up at cheap tickets to Alton Towers. A Minister said: "Yes its a dystopian authoritative overreach, but on the upside you'll get 5% off Tesco brand trainers."


£1.8bn on a loyalty card is a bargain when you think of the things we could wasted it on- like ending homelessness. Instead we'll get a shiny bit of plastic, every bit as valuable as your Blockbuster card.


"No one wants a Digital ID and the end of freedom but f$ck it, 50% off at Hungry Horse pubs- think of that! I'd sell my kids to Palantir if it meant a discounted family day out - which kind of defeats the point, but so what. My liberty is nothing compared to marginally less expensive RAC breakdown cover."









Digital ID to include Clubcard points

The government has added more information to the proposed mandatory Digital ID that will include the name, address, phone number, and NI Number for each citizen and will be necessary for starting a new job and being fired from an existing one, whilst replacing the Driving License, Passport and library ticket at the same time.  Citizens will be able to pay their Council Tax, Income Tax, Car Tax, Water Rates, utility bills and library fines using the card, which will be linked to all their bank accounts, investments, Premium Bonds, Lottery account and anything hidden under the mattress.


'We're in talks with Tesco and other supermarkets to include Clubcard point, Asda Rewards, Boots Advantage points and M&S gold plated vouchers.  Waitrose are expected to launch their own Digital ID just for their own customers.  Lidl will not feature on the new ID unless and until the UK re-joins the EU, obviously,' said a government spokesman today.  'You'll even be able to pay speeding fines using your Nectar points, using the card,' he added.


The government insists that the new Digital ID will only be needed for being employed and the other 'bits and pieces' are 'just in case', but added 'good luck with surviving without one.'



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