Race to become BBC's new chief suit: who are you betting on?

Campaigning is underway amongst candidates vying for the top job in British broadcasting: Suit-General of the BBC.

This prestigious post requires the holder to wear a suit (glasses optional), attend meetings and think of ways to spend the £585,000 annual salary. Occasionally, the Suit-General must attend parliamentary committee hearings and spend an afternoon there sounding tongue-tied while gulping like a landed trout.

Who are you putting your shirt on for this coveted post?

Liz Truss: Not a stayer, and incurably insane, but she can be trusted to produce some stunningly bad news for BBC journalists to cover - 2/5

Jordan, aka Katie Price: has some giant assets to bring to the role - 3/5

Lord Birt of Dalekshire: crisis times at the corporation could see the return of the BBC's most unloveable sci-fi character ever. Exterminated everyone's will to live in the 1990s by constantly croaking about upward vectoring cost curves - 1/100 outsider

Sooty and Sweep: these loveable BBC bureaucrat puppets from the 1970s could also make a comeback - 5/3 odds on

Donald Trump - the chance to talk about himself constantly across the BBC's 4 TV channels, 6 radio stations and dozens of pages online could prove irresistible to the world's most relentless self-promoter. He's suing the Beeb for $1bn, so if he takes it over he'll be suing and bankrupting himself - 100/1 odds on favourite.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Tories cackle in anticipation as BBC searches for new boss

'Hunting down and culling BBC director-generals is the one blood sport still legal in Britain,' bayed a Tory Party spokes-hound as the rest of his pack slavered and cackled at the fun to come, 'so we're going to make damned sure the next chase is especially gruesome.

'Tim Davie was a tricky one to catch. He was the greased pig of British broadcasting. We thought we'd got him on the Gaza documentary, and then the Bob Vylan chant at Glastonbury, but he slipped our clutch each time.

'The ideal person for us next to pursue and slaughter would be someone who has gained years of editorial and management experience at the very highest levels but who actually hasn't a clue what they are doing, and will blunder into any trap set for them.

'That's why we're pushing for Boris Johnson to get the job.'

Image: Mohamed_hassan - Pixabay

Physicists discover Trumpian Pressure

It’s a bigger mystery than Dark Energy. Strange occurrences which defy reason keep happening. Now scientists think they may have discovered the cause – a large mass with improbable orange colouring which distorts truth the way a black hole distorts spacetime.

Scientists are calling it 'Trumpian Pressure' after the humanoid where it was first identified.

'It seems a recent phenomenon but maybe Trumpian Pressure has always been there' a scientist told us. 'Science is based on reason, on finding root causes – but what if some events don’t have a root cause? What if some are genuinely chaotic?'

Recent mysterious events include the resignation of Tim Davie, the FBI investigating anybody who said something mean about Donald Trump and the baffling disappearance of the Epstein Papers.

'Take the Davie case. He’s committed about seven billion sackable offences for a DG of a supposedly impartial broadcaster in the last few years, and . . . nothing. No consequences. To be honest, that’s the real mystery. Yet the one event which ended his career was a single dodgy documentary which – let’s face it – probably didn’t hit hard enough. Poor editing, a misleading narrative – but given Trump’s many misdemeanours it would be like falsely accusing Adolf Hitler of having an overdue library book'.

NewsBiscuit would have asked Tim Davie for comment but we don’t have his phone number.

Image: WixAI