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Brilliant England were rubbish all along

TV pundits and armchair experts alike have all suddenly realised that actually England were shit all along and with a clueless German manager they were never going to bring it home. Cheerleader Micah Richards, who of course never played at a world cup , screamed even louder than usual into his BBC microphone that England had not played well at all in the tournament, and everyone nodded sagely as the verbal diarrhoea spewed from his mouth at ever increasing decibels.


Fans around the country pointed out that if only Cole Palmer or Phil Foden had been there with an English manager (though not Southgate of course) they would never have succumbed to pressure and would be raring to go for Sunday.


Said Dave Potter of Rowley Regis 'I said all along Tuchel would be trying to get England knocked out, and it showed tonight. Taking the lead, and then relying on the same tactics that worked in the previous games, proved my point. Sack Tuchel, appoint a good English manager like, err..... err.... errr..... OK, appoint anything but a German or a woman, and it'll come home at the Euros.'



Image: ChatGPT

Starmer runs out of rakes to step on

The King of Self-Inflicted Wounds has declared a national shortage of rakes and not enough zippers to trap his peni$ in. The PM's commitment to slapstick has meant that he has run out of low beams to collide with, puddles to fall in and genocides to embrace.


Sir Keir's commitment to destroying himself is so strong, he cannot change his socks without crashing the economy. He has the Midas touch - if everything Midas touched turned to something a bit racist.


If there is an unforced error to be made, Starmer is the man with a plan and whoopee cushion. He makes the Chuckle Brothers look like rocket scientists. Said an aide: 'I've seen Keir trip over his own feet and fall head first into a sausage machine. Which is ironic, as Peter Mandleson had to resign because of a sausage machine.'



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