Starmer runs out of rakes to step on

The King of Self-Inflicted Wounds has declared a national shortage of rakes and not enough zippers to trap his peni$ in. The PM's commitment to slapstick has meant that he has run out of low beams to collide with, puddles to fall in and genocides to embrace.

Sir Keir's commitment to destroying himself is so strong, he cannot change his socks without crashing the economy. He has the Midas touch - if everything Midas touched turned to something a bit racist.

If there is an unforced error to be made, Starmer is the man with a plan and whoopee cushion. He makes the Chuckle Brothers look like rocket scientists. Said an aide: 'I've seen Keir trip over his own feet and fall head first into a sausage machine. Which is ironic, as Peter Mandleson had to resign because of a sausage machine.'

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