USA bombs Epstein news

In a bold pre-emptive strike, the US has destroyed all paedo/cannibal headlines for at least 24 hours. Tehran will be the lucky recipients of distraction missiles and a large explosion of smoke and mirrors.

A Pentagon spokeswoman confirmed: 'The people of Iran will lay down their lives, so President Trump can have his peni$ redacted. The only thing that can save them are aliens-as that's an even bigger story.'

While a short campaign is preferred, this may change if Iran defends itself or if rumours of Donald Trump, Woody Allen and Mickey Mouse surface.

Image: Lothar Boris Piltz (@lotharborispiltz) | Unsplash Photo Community

Our foreign policy is - ooh look! Another pothole!

The government is taking action on potholes.

A spokesman told us, 'Potholes are a big issue on the doorstep, and in the road.  We're keen to show that we're addressing the everyday issues, like potholes, that affect hard-working families.  And working people.  And NASCAR Dads.  And Mondeo man.

'Was Mondeo man invented by a focus group?  Never mind.

'The great thing about potholes is that we know where we stand.  Potholes are bad.  There are no good potholes.  And potholes are caused by the weather, and everyone knows that we can't control the weather.  Putin can, but we can't. It's an affordability issue.  Difficult decisions.  Broadest shoulders.  You know.

'The situation in Gaza is scary.  Iran is scary.  Venezuela and Cuba and Syria and Greenland and Ukraine are scary.  And hard to understand.  But potholes are only a bit scary, and they are easy to understand.  So we are comfortable about declaring war on potholes.

'Just don't ask me about any of those countries - too complicated.  Shifting sands.  Shifty operators.

'It's so hard to know what to believe these days.  Keir has sent everyone a book called War for Dummies, but it's way too long.  We're waiting for the podcast.

'So we have nominated January as pothole month, and we will be laser focused on potholes.  We'll be counting them, ranking them and giving prizes for the biggest one.  That's all we have the bandwidth for.  Nothing else.  Just potholes.'

hat tip to Titus for title

Trump's Epstein defence: 'I blew Bill Clinton's sax'

US President Donald Trump is aiming to pick just one of the many responses to allegations regarding his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, and then attempt to stick with that. Here is a list of possible candidates:

- Bill Clinton has a big beautiful sax and Trump just had to put his not-weird-at-all lips on it... and blow. How's that for working across the aisle

- it’s all a hoax generated by Biden and Obama. Since their respective retirements, they have been busy writing the Epstein files and over 20,000 fake emails about him because they are nasty people

- Trump does not know anything about what’s in the Epstein files even though journalists told him how many times his name appears in them and his own staff were tasked with going through them in detail

- Trump is not in favour of the release of the remaining documents regarding Epstein’s conviction out of respect for the victims whose details should not be shared with the public. Including those victims who have already come forward to tell their stories, but they are all liars

- one victim of Epstein sex-trafficking said that she never saw Trump participate in any abuse before she committed suicide, so therefore it never happened despite countless others alleging it did

- Under questioning, Ghislaine Maxwell did not tell Trump’s Deputy Attorney General anything at all that could incriminate Trump so it must all have been a misunderstanding. Maxwell’s transfer to a low security institution where she’s been given a puppy while she prepares her petition for clemency is not relevant here

- Trump has had nothing to do with Epstein since the early 2000s and all the evidence that indicates that they were still besties at the time of Epstein’s conviction is fake

- There is no proof that Trump did anything wrong; the mountain of circumstantial evidence, the huge number of victim statements, the frequent attempts to cover up and prevent the release of the Epstein files, the inactivity on the election promises to ‘drain the swamp’ and all the other evidence means nothing

- These stories are just an attempt to distract the public from Trump’s wonderful achievements in stopping fictitious wars, blowing up Venezuelan drug smuggling fishing boats and bringing in trillions of dollars in tariffs passed on to US consumers

Image: Pvproductions Author Portfolio | Freepik