Our foreign policy is - ooh look! Another pothole!

The government is taking action on potholes.

A spokesman told us, 'Potholes are a big issue on the doorstep, and in the road.  We're keen to show that we're addressing the everyday issues, like potholes, that affect hard-working families.  And working people.  And NASCAR Dads.  And Mondeo man.

'Was Mondeo man invented by a focus group?  Never mind.

'The great thing about potholes is that we know where we stand.  Potholes are bad.  There are no good potholes.  And potholes are caused by the weather, and everyone knows that we can't control the weather.  Putin can, but we can't. It's an affordability issue.  Difficult decisions.  Broadest shoulders.  You know.

'The situation in Gaza is scary.  Iran is scary.  Venezuela and Cuba and Syria and Greenland and Ukraine are scary.  And hard to understand.  But potholes are only a bit scary, and they are easy to understand.  So we are comfortable about declaring war on potholes.

'Just don't ask me about any of those countries - too complicated.  Shifting sands.  Shifty operators.

'It's so hard to know what to believe these days.  Keir has sent everyone a book called War for Dummies, but it's way too long.  We're waiting for the podcast.

'So we have nominated January as pothole month, and we will be laser focused on potholes.  We'll be counting them, ranking them and giving prizes for the biggest one.  That's all we have the bandwidth for.  Nothing else.  Just potholes.'

hat tip to Titus for title