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UK Government: 'Stupid motorways for stupid people'



Stupid people should drive on stupid motorways. That's the view of Rishi Sunak who adds motorways to the list of things he prefers stupid, like the electorate.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst elaborated, 'We believe the UK population is fundamentally stupid. They ought to be - we've been slashing education funding for long enough. Anyway, those mindless drones, those worthless maggots, or as we used to call them, people, deserve dumb roads and moronic railways and boy oh boy have we delivered. Of course Audi drivers have been getting ahead of the game by using the roads stupidly for years.'


'Rishi's not a road or rail guy. He brings his own helicopter from home, because he's just like you and me.'


'As for the Tory Party, stupid is as stupid does. And where we're going, we don't need roads.'



First published 17 April 2023


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Our foreign policy is - ooh look! Another pothole!


The government is taking action on potholes.


A spokesman told us, 'Potholes are a big issue on the doorstep, and in the road.  We're keen to show that we're addressing the everyday issues, like potholes, that affect hard-working families.  And working people.  And NASCAR Dads.  And Mondeo man.


'Was Mondeo man invented by a focus group?  Never mind.


'The great thing about potholes is that we know where we stand.  Potholes are bad.  There are no good potholes.  And potholes are caused by the weather, and everyone knows that we can't control the weather.  Putin can, but we can't. It's an affordability issue.  Difficult decisions.  Broadest shoulders.  You know.


'The situation in Gaza is scary.  Iran is scary.  Venezuela and Cuba and Syria and Greenland and Ukraine are scary.  And hard to understand.  But potholes are only a bit scary, and they are easy to understand.  So we are comfortable about declaring war on potholes.


'Just don't ask me about any of those countries - too complicated.  Shifting sands.  Shifty operators.


'It's so hard to know what to believe these days.  Keir has sent everyone a book called War for Dummies, but it's way too long.  We're waiting for the podcast.


'So we have nominated January as pothole month, and we will be laser focused on potholes.  We'll be counting them, ranking them and giving prizes for the biggest one.  That's all we have the bandwidth for.  Nothing else.  Just potholes.'


hat tip to Titus for title


Yorkshire explorer mounts expedition to the source of the M1


"They say up here that it can't be found," said Harold Parkinson-Truman, a retired VAT inspector from Wakefield, packing up a hi-viz vest, some Kendal mint cake and a postcard of Tower Bridge to help when asking directions.


"But I've lived along the M1 all my life. I've seen it in its rush hours and when it's fogbound, and I'm going to devote my autumn years to finding the fabled source of it - way down at Junction 1 in that London."


Consoling his weeping wife and ferret, Harold continued: "They don't want me to go down south and start taking on their ways, like attending the opera at Glynebourne and supporting Chelsea. But I've been told tales of the wonderful exotic food they have in ChoZen Noodle at London Gateway services. The allure's too great to resist.


"They say that once a coachload of football supporters from Barnsley set off down the M1 to try and watch an FA Cup tie against Leyton Orient, but the authorities turned them back at the Watford Gap.


"My plan is to sneak into the Home Counties by nipping through the fields somewhere around Daventry. Then I'll pitch camp at Watford for the final leg down to Brent Cross.


"I hope the local tribesmen are friendly."


"We're not," a spokes-tribesman for Brent visitors' centre said gruffly, when told of Harold's expedition.


Asked if he had any tips for the intrepid explorer to north-west London, the tourist official answered simply: "Wear a stab proof vest."



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