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Smart motorways to be ‘enhanced’ with grand pianos suspended over the fast lane



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The Government’s Head of Motorway Safety, Wile E. Coyote, has announced further safety measures for smart motorways.


‘Removing the hard shoulder has been helpful but some are still getting through,’ he told journalists. ‘So the next step will be a series of grand pianos suspended precariously over the fast lane. We have done extensive testing – mostly in canyons in Arizona – and grand pianos are almost ideal for the job’.


Other planned safety features have been tested but found to be inappropriate for the British climate. ‘In the Sonoran desert you can use quite a long fuse on a stick of dynamite but British rain means you would need a dangerously short fuse, so we rejected that,’ said Mr Coyote.


‘Trompe L’oeil paintings to conceal cliff edges work well in Arizona but Britain lacks the necessary topography. Still, removing the hard shoulder has proved to be fairly f*cking lethal – sorry, I meant safety-enhancing – so we’re making good progress.’


Photo by Chris Bair on Unsplash


First published 2 July 2024



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Fury at BMW on empty motorway


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A picture of a car 'hogging' the motorway middle lane at 5am has kicked off a row online. The picture shows a car in the middle lane on the M5 seemingly completely alone, with no other vehicles anywhere to be seen.


Frustrated by the white BMW driver, thousands have taken to Twitter to complain, raging that drivers should keep to the left and speculating that maybe the driver was a drug dealer or up to “no good”.


One enraged Twitter user “Furiosa27” said, 'it’s just like Mad Max out there, how the hell can he afford the petrol for that thing, he must be selling drugs, or organs or something.'


'I bet he’s a right c@nt - he’s hogging the whole motorway - bloody Beamer drivers,' said @rokatansky49.


'He hasn’t even used his winkers once when changing lane,' said @auntieentity39.


First published 27 June 2022



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Smart motorways to be ‘enhanced’ with grand pianos suspended over the fast lane



ree

The Government’s Head of Motorway Safety, Wile E. Coyote, has announced further safety measures for smart motorways.


‘Removing the hard shoulder has been helpful but some are still getting through,’ he told journalists. ‘So the next step will be a series of grand pianos suspended precariously over the fast lane. We have done extensive testing – mostly in canyons in Arizona – and grand pianos are almost ideal for the job’.


Other planned safety features have been tested but found to be inappropriate for the British climate. ‘In the Sonoran desert you can use quite a long fuse on a stick of dynamite but British rain means you would need a dangerously short fuse, so we rejected that,’ said Mr Coyote.


‘Trompe L’oeil paintings to conceal cliff edges work well in Arizona but Britain lacks the necessary topography. Still, removing the hard shoulder has proved to be fairly f*cking lethal – sorry, I meant safety-enhancing – so we’re making good progress.’


Photo by Chris Bair on Unsplash

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