64,500 no shows for driving test – 7% of them still passed

According to the DVSA, 3.2% of test bookings are missed, but some inept drivers do better by not turning up. Explained Charlie (17), 'Parallel parking becomes irrelevant if you refuse to acknowledge parallels. There are no minor faults if there is no corporeal foot touching the pedal.'

One Instructor explained, 'It's not for everyone and this way the car remains in a pristine, Schrödinger’s clutch state. You also avoid the existential horror of a roundabout entirely. You never stall—because you never initiated first gear. And your hazard perception is perfect: as you pre‑emptively avoid all possible universes.'

The test score for a no show says you achieved a '100% record of no incidents whatsoever (non-participatory)'. The knock on is that the theory of driving remains beautifully theoretical.

UK Government: 'Stupid motorways for stupid people'

Stupid people should drive on stupid motorways. That's the view of Rishi Sunak who adds motorways to the list of things he prefers stupid, like the electorate.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst elaborated, 'We believe the UK population is fundamentally stupid. They ought to be - we've been slashing education funding for long enough. Anyway, those mindless drones, those worthless maggots, or as we used to call them, people, deserve dumb roads and moronic railways and boy oh boy have we delivered. Of course Audi drivers have been getting ahead of the game by using the roads stupidly for years.'

'Rishi's not a road or rail guy. He brings his own helicopter from home, because he's just like you and me.'

'As for the Tory Party, stupid is as stupid does. And where we're going, we don't need roads.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 17 April 2023

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Our foreign policy is - ooh look! Another pothole!

The government is taking action on potholes.

A spokesman told us, 'Potholes are a big issue on the doorstep, and in the road.  We're keen to show that we're addressing the everyday issues, like potholes, that affect hard-working families.  And working people.  And NASCAR Dads.  And Mondeo man.

'Was Mondeo man invented by a focus group?  Never mind.

'The great thing about potholes is that we know where we stand.  Potholes are bad.  There are no good potholes.  And potholes are caused by the weather, and everyone knows that we can't control the weather.  Putin can, but we can't. It's an affordability issue.  Difficult decisions.  Broadest shoulders.  You know.

'The situation in Gaza is scary.  Iran is scary.  Venezuela and Cuba and Syria and Greenland and Ukraine are scary.  And hard to understand.  But potholes are only a bit scary, and they are easy to understand.  So we are comfortable about declaring war on potholes.

'Just don't ask me about any of those countries - too complicated.  Shifting sands.  Shifty operators.

'It's so hard to know what to believe these days.  Keir has sent everyone a book called War for Dummies, but it's way too long.  We're waiting for the podcast.

'So we have nominated January as pothole month, and we will be laser focused on potholes.  We'll be counting them, ranking them and giving prizes for the biggest one.  That's all we have the bandwidth for.  Nothing else.  Just potholes.'

hat tip to Titus for title