Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'.

Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies:

Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not be filling the holes with any more pot. Yours recreationally, AI.

Dear Colin, thank you for your letter about dog mess. No-one likes a messy dog. Have you considered dog grooming to tidy them up? Yours thoughtfully, AI.

Dear Brigadier, thank you for your shouty voicemail about speeding motorists. This is a matter for the rozzers. Our data suggests that when the rozzers set up speed traps they mostly catch local drivers, so you have been warned! In addition, the council is considering lowering the speed limit to 10mph. I hope we can count on your support. Your obedient servant, AI.

Dear Swampy, thank you for your letter about the climate emergency. We can all do our bit by reusing candle ends, using recycling bind correctly and by planting more forests. And also by growing your own veg, although there is currently a nine-year wait for an allotment. The council is committing to reducing this wait, subject to the availability of resources. Why not turn your heating down by one degree? The council is committed to achieving net-zero by 2065. The longest journey starts with a single step change. Your philosophically, AI

The residents did admit that although the AI replies were unhelpful and off-topic, they were actually better than those produced by the (now sacked) humans.

Image credit: perchance.org

Potholes to be used to store excess floodwater

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Our foreign policy is - ooh look! Another pothole!

The government is taking action on potholes.

A spokesman told us, 'Potholes are a big issue on the doorstep, and in the road.  We're keen to show that we're addressing the everyday issues, like potholes, that affect hard-working families.  And working people.  And NASCAR Dads.  And Mondeo man.

'Was Mondeo man invented by a focus group?  Never mind.

'The great thing about potholes is that we know where we stand.  Potholes are bad.  There are no good potholes.  And potholes are caused by the weather, and everyone knows that we can't control the weather.  Putin can, but we can't. It's an affordability issue.  Difficult decisions.  Broadest shoulders.  You know.

'The situation in Gaza is scary.  Iran is scary.  Venezuela and Cuba and Syria and Greenland and Ukraine are scary.  And hard to understand.  But potholes are only a bit scary, and they are easy to understand.  So we are comfortable about declaring war on potholes.

'Just don't ask me about any of those countries - too complicated.  Shifting sands.  Shifty operators.

'It's so hard to know what to believe these days.  Keir has sent everyone a book called War for Dummies, but it's way too long.  We're waiting for the podcast.

'So we have nominated January as pothole month, and we will be laser focused on potholes.  We'll be counting them, ranking them and giving prizes for the biggest one.  That's all we have the bandwidth for.  Nothing else.  Just potholes.'

hat tip to Titus for title