Government want to send Doctor Who back to Gallifrey

A government spokesman for Priti Patel said today that the Home Secretary had been concerned about the numbers of undocumented immigrants that appear to have arrived from Gallifrey in recent years.

'Look, we're aware of fourteen immigrants in the last half century so far and all claiming to be doctors, yet not one stepped up when covid struck,' he said. He denied that the latest appearing to be black was an issue, stating it was the lack of Visas that concerned the department most, citing frustration at the people smugglers using warped time and space machines to bring them in. 'We don't know how safe these machines are. Judging by the amount of immigrants they bring, they're clearly bigger than they look.'

For some unexplained reason, Nadine Dorries is expected to make an announcement on the topic.

New Doctor Who 'too thin, or something' complain racists

Racists who have never actually seen Doctor Who are complaining that the new Doctor, Ncuti Gatwa, is far too thin to play the famous Time Lord.

'Primarily, I’m worried about his health, said William McCleod. 'I’ve never watched the show and have no interest in it whatsoever, but I’m led to believe there’s lots of running around and that. You need to be well nourished to play this role and I’m not sure his slim frame can handle it.

'If he can’t take the exertion required for the role, he would surely have to be replaced by a white, middle-aged, male with a Home Counties accent.'

Mr McLeod's associate was unable to refrain from adding, 'At least it’s not another girl.'

Goth News: Nothing Funny About Current World Situation

Goth News is sad to acknowledge that current events have reached the threshold of comedic potential. A dismal cost of living crisis, a buffoon at the helm and poor Doctor Who episodes are pushing Britian to the edge.

Absolutely no joy can be taken from any element of the world, except Joy Division and deep down its all quite depressing isn't it?

We'll all be sitting in room with black walls later putting on nail polish, please feel free to attend, there's a lot to stare blankly into the distance at.