In a public statement issued through the FCDO on Friday, Mr Raab has asked the Press and public to stop speculating about his resignation as he is currently on holiday and does not have time to address the questions and pressure. "As a keen paddle-boarder I like to spend as much on-board time as possible whilst vacationing and I need to focus on by board technique for the next couple of weeks not spend time finding excuses for what I'm really doing".
'You're all being very unfair to Mr Raab,' said the man who declared the sea closed last week.
'I could see the sea was full already, with fish, water and stuff - lots of plastic stuff, and poo - lots of poo - have you ever seen a fish get out to go? Or a holidaymaker come to that? I decided that unless the fish got out, Raab couldn't go in. He was very disappointed, said something about phone calls to make, had a waterproof mobile phone, and needing to get a bit of paddle-boarding in, but I said no. There's a lovely ocean over there if you likes, Mr Raab, I said. It's a bit full of water too, lots of plastic and quite a bit of poo, but not as many fish thanks to the plastic and the poo.'
The man admitted that he did take some sympathy with the Foreign Secretary. 'I said he could take a widdle if he liked, but no bloody paddle boarding.'
Image by Isa KARAKUS from Pixabay
Following the government's successful orderly withdrawal from Afghanistan, planned from holiday beaches adorned by Prime Minister Johnson and Foreign Secretary Raab, the government has confirmed that military decisions are in future to be taken while on holiday.
'The pressure and typically abysmal lighting in war rooms just creates a morose atmosphere, leading to rush decisions involving troops, whereas considering deploying soldiers while enjoying happy hour on a sun-kissed beach helps put everything into perspective,' said a spokesman for the Foreign Secretary.
'So we thought "f@*k it, let's just travel to tourist destinations and chill while we determine the appropriate action to take when our interests are attacked, or our allies do us over.' He confirmed that pushing the nuclear button would feel 'much more fun while sipping pina coladas'.
Opposition MPs reluctantly agreed that there's no point in Raab being the Foreign Secretary unless he is permanently overseas. 'Might as well be on permanent holiday, for all the use he is,' said one MP.
