£2 billion drop in exports and other head scratchers - Daily Express

The UK has been struck by several completely inexplicable events in the last 8 months, the latest of which is a two billion pound drop in exports.

"This is a real mystery", said foreign secretary Dominic Raab, "And it's not the only really odd thing; did you know that my mobile phone bill shot up when I was on a lovely holiday in Crete recently? And when I got back, a lot of people were quite cross with me for no reason; perhaps it's because of the unexplained empty shelves in the supermarkets."

One former government minister claimed that he could explain everything, but as soon as he opened his mouth he turned into a pillar of salt.

photo: Pixabay

Raab says Afghan refugee talks in Ibiza are ‘not another holiday’

Dominic Raab has denied that his current trip to discuss the Afghan refugee crisis is in fact a disguised holiday.

The Foreign Secretary was spotted downing pints and acting raucously at the airport before his flight to Qatar. He was wearing shorts, a t-shirt, flip-flops, a straw hat and sunglasses. It is said he only packed one suit for the entire trip.

Mr Raab told reporters that his kite surfing trip after meeting the Qatari government was “an importance piece of diplomacy”, but he couldn’t explain why it was.

The itinerary for the trip will see Mr Raab visit other major governments in the region which have “great beaches and/or hotels”, but it now emerges it also includes visits to the Bahamas, Ibiza, Amsterdam and other top holiday hot spots.

'I need to understand the role the night clubs in Ibiza, the beaches in the Bahamas and the cannabis cafés in Amsterdam can play in all this,' Mr Raab said. 'The fact Michael Gove is joining me in Ibiza doesn’t make it a "lad’s weekend away" at all and it is not to make up for cutting my other holiday short. It is a tough job but somebody has to do it.

'Now if you will excuse me as I am running late for my massage.'

photo: marucha @ Pixabay

Raab Asks Everybody To Stop Speculating About His Resignation

In a public statement issued through the FCDO on Friday, Mr Raab has asked the Press and public to stop speculating about his resignation as he is currently on holiday and does not have time to address the questions and pressure. "As a keen paddle-boarder I like to spend as much on-board time as possible whilst vacationing and I need to focus on by board technique for the next couple of weeks not spend time finding excuses for what I'm really doing".

Image by thelester from Pixabay