top of page
Search

Trumpton to rededicate its highest honour to Donald Trump


The Tumptonshire mayor's office today confirmed it is taking back its highest honour, The Camberwick Shield, recently awarded for services to the village of Camberwick Green to the ever popular flour grinder, Windy Miller. The shield will then be rededicated to President Donald J Trump.


Speaking on the Trumpton Today Programme the mayor said: 'It is only right and proper we should give this honour to President Trump for his great contribution to the twenty-first century. No one has done so much for stop motion animation as he has. The shield will be awarded by Trumpton's highest military figure, Captain Flack, during a glitzy ceremony to be held at the bandstand on February 5th.


Details are as yet unconfirmed, but it's understood as part of the celebrations there will be a fire fighters' drive past with Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb all aboard their gleaming red fire engine with its bell ringing out loud and clear. 


On hearing the news President Trump told reporters, 'This is a real smart move by the Mayor's office. The smartest. People are telling me that because everyone knows I deserve it. Nobody has done as much for Tumptonshire as I have. Can anybody deny it?"


When there was no response from the assembled hacks, Trump busted out several classic robot dance moves then continued. 'That's right. Even Brian can't.'


Hollywood to adopt American accent for baddies


For decades, a German accent was the hallmark of a Hollywood villain. More recently posh British has been the go-to elocution for criminal masterminds, with incompetently delivered ‘Middle Eastern’ accents for terrorists.


Now there’s a new accent in town. Dumb-as-shit American, slightly muffled through a mask.


‘In many ways they’re a throwback to Westerns’, a film expert told us. That’s a job, apparently. ‘The dark clothing, face partially concealed – what’s missing is a good guy in a white stetson’.


Indeed.


While Hollywood grapples with storylines where good and evil have the same accent, the real world is dealing with a bigger concern: are we about to see Schindler’s List 2?



Trump signs up fellow warmongers to the Bored of Peace


"I've made a billion dollars off the backs of everyone around me, I've conquered Greenbackland for America, and I am the proud holder of someone else's Nobel Prize," gloated Trump.


"But I'm not a great war leader yet, and I deserve to be," he said, watching his minions beat ploughshares into swords and fuel up 500 Minuteman nuclear missiles.


"That why I'm going to start World War Three right away, alongside everyone else in my great new Bored of Peace group.


"I've got some truly bloodthirsty guys signed up already, who all think the past 80 years of peace have been crashingly dull. They're my fellow tyrants in Russia, Saudi Arabia and Belarus.


"For some reason, all the snowflake liberal democracies of Europe don't want to join. But Putin, Lukashenko, MBS and I can't wait to send millions of kids to their deaths from our reviewing stands and then award ourselves a whole load of bogus medals. The only question is who we're going to pick on.


"I wish I could be going with you," lied Trump, addressing terrified conscripts over the radio from the safety of a nuclear bunker.


"But I can't, because I've got these pesky bone spurs in my chicken feet and my tummy's feeling very yellow."



bottom of page