Teachers to measure primary students' attention span in zeptoseconds

Following concerns that children's attention span since Covid is shorter than ever, the government has asked teachers to measure it.

Teachers are of the opinion it should be measured in Thick Planck Time, but the government believes zeptoseconds will be adequate as the Tory party doesn't have a donor that flogs equipment that measures Thick Planck Time. A pub landlord however, reckons he knows someone who talked to him about zeptoseconds and would be able to supply every primary school with zeptosecond chronometers.

One zeptosecond is 0.000 000 000 000 000 000 001 seconds. The chronometers do not work and the money is long gone.

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Government to rely on party donors to help with Jubilee bunting shortage

Retailers are reporting a shortage of bunting ahead of the Queen's Platinum Jubilee festivities. The shortage appears due to the government buying up all the flags on the market to decorate No.10 with for the lockdown parties. Whilst some retailers have suggested that revellers could get their children to make some, the cost of printer ink is a deterrent. Grandparents Alf and Ada Higgins told us "We thought it would be a nice thing for the grandkids to do over the half term holiday and went to buy some printer ink, but there was no way we could run to those prices on our pensions and be able to afford a crate of brown ale to toast Her Majesty with as well. Tory donors have offered to help however, saying they can always be relied on in an emergency to order goods for government use. Pig farmers, ferry companies and fishermen have already stepped up to the plate.

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

Johnson will allow some refugees in UK but only in if they bid to play him at tennis first

Boris Johnson has told fleeing Ukranian refugees they would be able to enter the UK on a visa but only if they bid in an auction to play him at tennis and make donations to the Conservative party.

Mr Johnson said it was only fair that Ukranian refugees faced the same level of rigorous checks and balances that super rich Russian oligarchs faced when they first came to the UK.

Assessing the tennis skills of wealthy individuals wanting to become UK citizens had been a very effective way of establishing whether they were suitable or not. Other ways of assessing a persons character include a game of bridge with a Tory peer and attending a gymkhana event at your local pony club.

The PM said the plight of Ukranians fleeing their country was of great concern to the UK but they had to show just how serious they were about wanting to escape the threat of Russian bombs.

‘And what better way to show how desperate you are to escape death than to make a huge donation to the Conservative party’ said the PM ‘it shows a willingness to fit in.

And as a goodwill gesture to our Ukrainian friends we won’t be asking the women and children to establish their source of wealth’.

Image: Pixabay/hansmarkutt