Government cracks down on the grumbling industry

The government has vowed to help more people kick the habit of grumbling by restricting their right to vote. From the 4th May grumblers will be turned away from polling stations if they are deemed to be voting too often.

One grumbler said: ‘It got so bad I was voting every chance I got. General elections, local elections, you name it. I was finally offered help by the government and was able to turn my life around. I’ve stopped grumbling altogether and asked my local council to put a block on my polling cards.’

If you have a problem with grumbling, you can call the National Grumbling Helpline which offers free advice and counselling. Voting – together we can beat it.

All 18yr olds to study maths - to realise how much wages have dropped

The Government has insisted that all students need advanced numeracy to understand just how much they're being screwed over by economic policy. Explained No.10: 'It's not as simple as two plus two equals no mortgage for you. It's a complex algorithm of crisis capitalism, corporate greed and the fact that butter now costs £10 a tub.'

Remarked one confused 16-yr old: 'If inflation goes up but wages go down, how many apples am I holding?' 'None,' replied the Minister. 'You can't afford apples.' 'And if two trains are travelling at the same speed from London...' 'Let me stop you there,' interrupted the Minister. 'There are no trains, all the drivers are on strike.'

The Minister continued: 'You'll need to focus on really big numbers - particularly if you are going to calculate your level of debt'.

Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens

The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help those light of finger survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.

An RSPB spokesperson said:

‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’

There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.

You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.

Bill Oddie refused to comment.