Boris Johnson "now a role model for snarky teenagers"

"We had anticipated that our studies would indicate that teenagers mimic the attitudes and standpoints of prominent social media users, reality television 'stars' and the like, so it has been highly unusual to see any political figure rate so highly in this study"

Keith Warsash, a psychologist specialising in behavioural development, has just completed an exhaustive internet study on role model markers amongst teenagers - and has been astonished to find that Boris Johnson is currently one of the key influencers.

Whilst scoring low, and even negative, values for his personal fashion sense, deportment and appearance, the Prime Minister has 'topped the leaderboard' for attitude and behavioural traits.

"We believe he has done so well in these areas through taking the teenage trifecta of 'I never', 'It's not my fault' and 'You're always picking on me' and elevating it to an art form." continued Keith.

"More astounding is that he has managed to maintain this triple defence well into his adult life, giving hope to teenagers everywhere that they too can carry that bubble of imperviousness into their later years, assuming no mantle of responsibility for anything as they go"

Keith has, however, been unable to confirm his findings in discussion with his 15 year old son, Jonah.

"When I spoke to him about this, all he did was mumble something under his breath, roll his eyes and storm off to his bedroom, pausing only to slam the kitchen door."

"Honestly, it was just like watching PM's Question Time" said an exasperated Keith

Sue Gray breaks official world record for longest printer jam

The Guinness Book of Records has officially declared Sue Gray as the new world record holder for 'longest printer jam', a title traditionally held by Mitch McConnell of the American Republican party.

Grey's printer has now been jammed for over 72 hours, beating McConnell by 5 hours. Observers are unclear as to the cause of the jam. Some claim that it's a rogue champagne cork, others that the printer is literally choking itself with disbelief. Some even go so far as to assert that the jam is caused by actual jam.

The original jam occurred on page 22,342 of the 22,343 page document, which witnesses claim was "really annoying". When Grey tried to pull the page out it tore in half and then the printer made this weird sound and a red light that no had ever seen before started flashing. The police were called and they did that thing where you kind of roughly shake the drawer part. When that failed, Westminster called in the photocopier manufacturers who are still working on "having a think about it" and maybe "calling China for some kind of special spring"

Sue Gray is using the extra time to review the term 'bunch of fuckwits' with her legal team.

Image: Pixabay/Clker-Free-Vector-Images

Ukraine invasion speculation a convenient distraction from Partygate, claims Putin

The UK Government needs to stop whipping up hysteria about Russia potentially invading Ukraine and focus on more pressing domestic issues, Vladimir Putin has claimed, like how a mercenary was able to infiltrate Whitehall and attempt to assassinate Boris Johnson with a Victoria Sponge, or how it was possible for the Prime Minister to not realise he was at a party when it was obvious neither Jacob Rees-Mogg or Priti Patel were in attendance.

A leaked version of an explosive statement on the matter is said to have Putin accusing Tory MPs of stirring up tensions in the region in an opportunistic bid to avoid sinking in their own never-ending stream of shit, insisting that 100,000 of his troops had recently made the three hundred mile journey to from Moscow to the Ukrainian border to test their eyesight.

‘I mean,’ the Russian President is said to state in the statement, ‘If they are trying to exaggerate the situation over here in an attempt to divert attention away from themselves, how low can the people in 10 Downing Street go?’

Not very, apparently, if the reports about revellers breaking Wilf’s limbo stick are true.

Image: Pixabay/Public DomainPictures