Sue Gray report labels Boris a ‘total lightweight’

Sue Gray will report that Boris Johnson is a “lightweight” who “can’t handle his drink”, a leaked extract from her highly anticipated report reveals.

“Almost the entire nation turned drink to help them get through the horrors of lockdown,” the report will say. “Many people started to find excuses to drink earlier. I mean, I was on the gin shortly after lunch most days.

“Yet if we believe Boris, he only stayed at one party for half an hour and his birthday party was only ten minutes long. He is either lying or a total lightweight.”

Further damning evidence suggests that there was even one day when there wasn’t a party at Number 10, the report adds.

One backbench MP said the findings put Boris out of step with the rest of the parliamentary Conservative Party.

“Even before the pandemic, there was a drinking culture on the backbenches,” they said. “He has really let the side down this time. I’d write a letter of no confidence but to be honest, I’m a bit too pissed at the moment.”

Image: Pixabay/Bru_nO

Melting ice in Downing Street champagne buckets linked to rising sea levels

Climate scientists have traced a dramatic rise in sea levels to multiple Downing Street ‘work events.’

‘This is devastating news for the planet,’ said Professor Katherine Hansen, Senior Climate Advisor at NASA. ‘Data from our satellites suggest that the ice buckets have taken us from a slow catastrophe to a rapid catastrophe. The runoff is far worse than that from monster icebergs, the Greenland ice sheet and mountain glaciers. These ‘work events’ have put the planet in clear and present danger.’

A Downing Street spokesperson disputed the findings. ‘The Prime Minister is keen to follow the science at all times and takes these findings jolly seriously. However, the suggestion that only a massive tidal wave sweeping along the Thames will drown out all the noise, is complete and utter piffle.’

Image: pixabay/blende12

Colin the Caterpillar interviewed as Partygate witness

Colin the Caterpillar has become embroiled in the Cabinet Office investigation into illegal lockdowns, as an important – and highly litigious – witness to the PM’s birthday shindig, sources have confirmed today.

The chocolate-based sponge cake, with a delicious hard crust, insists he has little recollection of being at the event, but if he was there he didn't think he himself wasn't breaking any COVID rules in place at the time. However, photos from the event appear to show Colin - or parts of him being passed around on fancy napkins to everyone present.

Under questioning from Sue Gray, Colin is said to have become an increasingly hostile witness, particularly when he learned the Chief Whipped Cream was called Mark Spencer. Colin misunderstood this to be a coded message of omerta from his employers and no comment-ed thereafter.

After his interrogation, Colin was overheard furiously talking to his lawyer. 'Attention should be focusing on that doughy looking fruit cake that has inhabited number 10 for the last 2 years, not me', he raged. 'Thanfully, he might soon be scone. I squashed that Aldi caterpillar cake and I’ll squash the Aldi Donald Trump too. This is not schadenfreude, this is M&S schadenfreude.’

Hat-tip ChrisF

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures