Government creates essential new role of Witchfinder General

Downing Street has announced that a new senior government role has been created with the innovative and catchy title of Witchfinder General. Within minutes this was aggressively denied by the same senior ministers who had just announced it. There then followed the now expected period of clarification, suspiciously in the shape of a u-turn, reiterating that there had been no u-turns and that any footage of the same ministers saying precisely the opposite of what they were now saying was all in the minds of fools and incompetents.

A renowned and highly respected leaker with a penchant for snitching explained, "Our top government minds got together to assess the greatest threats to the UK in 2021. Eventually, a cleaner happened by and pointed out that the Cabinet room double doors were pullers and not pushers, so they were finally able to take their places around the table and begin their Mega-Brains-Trust meeting."

"Once all of the gurgling and sheep noises died down, consensus was reached that a new, progressive, forward-looking, radical overhaul of political structure was required. Vigorous nodding and high-pitched squeals confirmed that the greatest threats to the UK were goblins, witches and naughty looking goats lurking under bridges. No one could see any ongoing need for Health, Education or the Environment, so those departments have been axed with immediate effect. In their place, a colossal uber-department will be formed called the Department for the Eradication of Really Scary Stuff. Jacob Rees-Mogg couldn't stop screaming and Michael Gove wet his pants, so it was agreed that they were both ideal candidates for the new role of Witchfinder General."

"Gove and Rees-Mogg will undergo a series of paddle-based tests. Whichever of them maims the highest number of baby ducklings will be awarded the most highly-prized position in British politics. The victor's most pressing priority will be to categorise all non-Conservative-Party-donors in the land as 'a bit witchy-looking'. Following that will come the somewhat hostile environment we are calling the mass drownings phase. Whoever survives that will be automatically reclassified as proven witches and deported to Yorkshire."

Nation pities poor Boris stoically self-isolating on massive country estate

Boris Johnson, a suspected English politician, has found himself in the terrible position of suffering self-isolation on an immense, majestic country estate. Pity from a pitiful nation is widespread, everyone profoundly concerned about how he will cope in such dire circumstances.

A government spokestosser confirmed, 'Boris often goes to Chequers to avoid work he doesn't do anyway. His self-imposed, self-irreversible, self-isolation might look to some like he will be living it up on a luxury holiday in the middle of summer, but that is not the case at all. There is a much reduced skeleton staff of only 28 at his every beck and call at Chequers, so it will be a very hard time for him popping his socks off by the pool and sipping margaritas.

'Mr Johnson was in close contact with the Minister for Not Getting Covid. When Mr Javid inevitably tested positive, Boris immediately did the right thing of pretending it hadn't happened. Much later, when the ping of doom confirmation came through, the Prime Minister did not hesitate for one moment to ignore that as well. Several hours later, he took the instant decision of claiming to be on a long-standing special programme he had just made up, making him immune to isolation. The technical name for that in Downing Street is 'doing a Gove'. So it is undeniably the case that the universally loved and globally respected all-round good egg that is our glorious Prime Minister has acted quickly and decisively in exactly the right way.'

In a press conference tomorrow, Brits will be reassured that the Prime Minister is still perfectly capable of continuing to destroy their nation. Irreversibly.

Matt Hancock leaves to standing ovation from grateful nation for job well done

Universally popular man of the people, Health Secretary Matt Hancock, has walked tall and proud through streets lined with millions of grateful Brits all cheering wildly for his outstanding contribution and service to this world-beating country.

Sorry about that, I thought this was for my other job of spouting false bilge for a tabloid rag of filth.

Actually, what has happened is that the death ghost Hat Mancock has skulked away from the scene of his genocidal disgrace.

There's not much more to say about him that his appointer and boss hasn't already. Who then left him in position for over a year to really shag things up good and proper.

His greatest role model in Downing Street, Dominic Bollockhead Cummings, could only speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition on the subject of 'why Hancock is a palm penis' for just the seven hours.

Half a million nurses, though, what do they think?

Collectively and in unison they all indicated their admiration and respect with the well-chosen, thoughtful and heartfelt words, "Fuck off, Hancock."

But is there anyone left who actually does still feel positively towards the former Health Secretary, even in some small way? His oldest, closest and longest-standing friend offered these warm words:

"Matt has the look and persona of a shadowy coward who if you were to offer him a little piece of cheese, would snatch it from you, scurry away into a corner, and frantically gnaw at it from his his little clutchy claws while furtively glancing from side to side as if to say, 'No, my cheese.'