Boris Johnson, a suspected English politician, has found himself in the terrible position of suffering self-isolation on an immense, majestic country estate. Pity from a pitiful nation is widespread, everyone profoundly concerned about how he will cope in such dire circumstances.
A government spokestosser confirmed, 'Boris often goes to Chequers to avoid work he doesn't do anyway. His self-imposed, self-irreversible, self-isolation might look to some like he will be living it up on a luxury holiday in the middle of summer, but that is not the case at all. There is a much reduced skeleton staff of only 28 at his every beck and call at Chequers, so it will be a very hard time for him popping his socks off by the pool and sipping margaritas.
'Mr Johnson was in close contact with the Minister for Not Getting Covid. When Mr Javid inevitably tested positive, Boris immediately did the right thing of pretending it hadn't happened. Much later, when the ping of doom confirmation came through, the Prime Minister did not hesitate for one moment to ignore that as well. Several hours later, he took the instant decision of claiming to be on a long-standing special programme he had just made up, making him immune to isolation. The technical name for that in Downing Street is 'doing a Gove'. So it is undeniably the case that the universally loved and globally respected all-round good egg that is our glorious Prime Minister has acted quickly and decisively in exactly the right way.'
In a press conference tomorrow, Brits will be reassured that the Prime Minister is still perfectly capable of continuing to destroy their nation. Irreversibly.