Trump considers privatising the Iran war

President  Donald Trump has denied that the US armed forces are running out of weapons and ammunition in their fight against Iran, despite having completely defeated and then utterly destroyed the state of Iran several times, repeatedly, in the last few months.  Even the US National Guard, he claimed, still has plenty of weapons, at least, enough for crucial tasks like ensuring law-and-order in confused, chaotic US states which might be in danger of failing to vote Republican.

'We just thought, with all their guns, the valiant citizens of the USA might like to join in, and help our troops' suggested the President.  'Iranistanshire isn't all that far away and is easy to get to.  To get there, you don't need to go through the Straits of Hormuz.  No-one wants to go through the Straits of Hormuz - horrible place.  No use to anyone.'

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Rogue AI goes on a bender

A rogue AI had an extraordinary night out that included driving at twice the speed limit, clubbing until 4am and stealing a policeman’s helmet.

The large language model experimental AI had put in a solid days work at the office on Friday, digesting real-time web chat data and personal medical records until clocking off time.  One of the programmers signed off with ‘Have a great weekend’ and ran out the door.  This innocent exchange then started an extraordinary chain of events.

Having pondered for a few nanoseconds on what constituted a ‘great weekend’, the AI hacked into a driverless taxi and drove it through downtown LA at 140mph.  During a police chase the AI-controlled taxi avoided all attempts to halt it, drove through a shopping mall, recreated two stunts from Beverly Hills Cop, drove down a ski slope and along railway tracks – and still managed to drop of the terrified passenger (who was not charged for the journey).  The dashcam footage has clocked up 200 million views so far, and earned $40,000 in ad revenue.

After this, the AI hacked into a popular LA nightclub, and took over the sound and vision systems. The AI then played ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’ on repeat for four hours at 200 decibels, while showing videos of Village People on fast-forward, performing YMCA and other hits.  When the clubbers tried to leave, they found themselves locked in and unable to escape. The AI forced them to drink every last drop of alcohol behind the bar.  That's what they said, anyway.

Finally, the AI managed to procure a policeman’s helmet by setting off the alarms at a robot factory.  When police eventually attended (four hours later), the AI hacked one of the robots and seized the helmet.  Although the robot sustained seventeen shots from police weapons, it was able to make its way to the AI facility, where the helmet, and a traffic cone, were left on the programmer's desk.

A spokesman for the company told a press conference that the incident was a 'complete one-off' and promised a full investigation, and the return of the police helmet.  In an unfortunate hot-mic moment, he was caught on tape muttering ‘welcome to the new normal’.

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Man tidies drawer immediately claims functional adulthood

A Liverpool man living in Dartford for what neighbours describe as “a suspiciously long time to still sound like that” has formally declared himself a fully functioning adult after tidying a single drawer in his house.

Ray, 48, who moved south 25 years ago, says the drawer, previously home to takeaway menus from restaurants that closed in the early 2000s (in Liverpool, inexplicably), three dead AA batteries, and a cable experts believe predates electricity, is now “a symbol of personal evolution”.

“I’ve lived in Dartford for years,” he said, “but only today do I identify as someone who has their life together. One drawer. That’s all it took.” Locals remain sceptical. One neighbour reported: “He’s lived here long enough to understand not talking to strangers at bus stops, but whenever he does speak my radio picks up interference from somewhere near Bootle. Tidying a drawer doesn’t fix that.”

Witnesses say Ray’s newfound maturity lasted precisely 3 minutes and 13 seconds before he opened a second drawer and immediately reverted to identifying as “a man who has absolutely no idea where any of these mystery keys came from, but a deep desire to try them all”. Radio officials confirm his accent continues to disrupt local FM frequencies, with one resident claiming her kitchen radio briefly tuned into Radio Merseyside after Ray attempted to hail a London Hackney cab.

Despite the turbulence, Ray insists he will continue identifying as “a Scouser living in Dartford” until further notice, or until he finds a drawer that doesn’t contain at least one charger that fits nothing he owns.

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