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Newsbiscuit: Best of August 2024

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August 2024


The Paris Olympics come to an end. Britain wins 65 medals and comes in third behind the USA and China. More importantly, we are top in Europe, and we get more medals than Australia.


To tarnish Olympic success, the month is marred by summer rioting. This is fuelled by nonsense spread by social media, which is lapped up by the gullible. After warming up (ha!) on winter fuel payments, Keir Starmer continues to play the tough guy. He releases some old lags from prison to make more cells available to lock up the rioters.


UK water companies are fined millions for sewage spills. Again. Does this happen every month? It seems to.


In the entertainment world, police issue an arrest warrant for Katie Price after she fails to attend a bankruptcy hearing. And Harry and Meghan go to Colombia to ‘make the internet safer for children’. And to promote their charity work. And themselves. How could they choose Colombia over the Edinburgh Festival?


In overseas news, Ukraine, Gaza.


In the US, a judge rules that Google have an illegal monopoly over internet searches. Finally, an American news story that isn’t about the US Election.


Here is a selection of the top stories from August 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


Crime and punishment


Politics


Sport and entertainment


Other news


Headlines


GCHQ close to decoding rules for cycling Keirin

'I take my job as an MP seriously,' wins joke of the Fringe

Puppeteer offers to explain string theory

Search for 'Google's illegal online monopoly' yields no results

Top uni accepts students with 25m back stroke certificate

Police tasked with arresting Katie Price have no idea what she looks like

Builder who lost his plans of the stairs told to retrace his steps

Israel and Hamas, in a rare show of unity, agree to continue hostilities

Starmer pledges to transform UK steel industry into no-steel industry

No signs of green shoots on Conservative party stump

‘The UK is too dangerous for me and my family’ says Harry as he lands in Colombia

English tourist resort attracts more visitors with rioting mini breaks



Image credit: Wix

Fired? Jolly japes to leave your new replacement - a Conservative list

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Spaffed your job up a wall and been replaced by some noob? Why not leave a few tricks and jokes for the newbie, hilarity will definitely ensue! Perhaps one of these delights, put together by some Tory MPs who suddenly had a lot more free time available:


1. Poor some cress seeds on the carpet and give them a water before you leave. Maybe spell out a fun word like “Thatcher”.


2. Ram all the prisons to capacity and do nothing about it. Top bants.


3. Swap the mouse button settings round so they get confused and can’t press the correct one. Let them get any Social Reform through with that kind of setback.


4. Freely distribute top secret information about in a spreadsheet and make sure you cover it up until they are in charge. Try to make sure it’s expendable foreign chaps rather than your own lot…


5. Put some sardines behind the radiator and say you saw some of their back benchers do it.


6. Spend ALL the money and say everything is fine. This isn’t as fun if the other lot already know about it and pretend to go along with it. You both look daft then.


7. Shit in a drawer. Simple and effective.


8. Don’t pay people or fix things, enraged NHS staff, tired teachers, concerned school roof enthusiasts, poor train workers and all the scandal compensation…it’ll cost billions. The look on the new lot’s faces…priceless.


In no circumstances leave a “funny” note saying there’s no more money. They might use it against you and suddenly pretend that they take finances very seriously. It’s political wokeness gone mad.



Image credit: Thomas Bormans / Unsplash



Guardian staff to receive counselling for bad weather

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Following the Guardian’s decision to offer counselling to staff upset by Donald Trump’s victory in the US election, it has been decided to expand the programme to cover other things which may trouble north London’s most delicate flowers.


First to apply was the paper’s environment correspondent, Esperance Tzatziki, who complained that the lovely walk on the Heath she had planned for the weekend had been spoiled by the weather. Senior staff were initially unsure if this really merited counselling, until she pointed out that it was probably due to climate change, at which point they heartily agreed it must have been very upsetting for her. She then requested further counselling on the grounds that their initial scepticism had compounded the original trauma.


Next up was star columnist Pippi Longstocking, who said her journey to the office had been marred by the presence on the train of some ghastly football supporters. When it was pointed out the paper does cover football, she said, 'Yes, but only with snide articles about the game being ruined by money, nothing any actual football fan would want to read.' Her claim was also accepted.


Third came the paper’s racial justice correspondent Batti al Wakko, who said that merely being around all these white people in the office was very oppressive for her. The paper accepted her claim, and then apologised for not doing so earlier, before she had even made it.


'Look, I’m obviously not going to complain,' said Islington-based therapist Rachel Greenblatt. 'I’ve never been so busy. I’ve had to take on a full-time receptionist, just to make sure the waiting room always has a wide selection of Fairtrade coffees and the right brand of mineral water.


'Of course, it does mean my work with survivors of rape and sexual assault has had to take a back seat. But they never paid as well as the Guardian anyway.'


Photo by stockcake: rainy-day-commute_480925_330947



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