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Trump announces bid for presidency of FIFA


More bizarre ramblings today in a White House press briefing. Trump announced he intends to run for the Presidency of FIFA next year while also hinting he can easily fit the job in alongside his intended third term as tinpot dictator of the free world..


'Time for Jaa-neee to go,' said the megalomaniacal commander in chief.  'I gave him a chance to make us both a lot of money. Not to mention extended members of my family, too. Lots of money. Helluva lot of money. But he lost his nerve. He blew it. He chickened out. He's a sad guy. So sad. A loser. Now I'll be going to that vote session next year and along with some hand-picked ICE guys we'll get the job done. No need for a vote at all.


'You know,' further mused the strangely ochre-tinted walking disaster, 'I like soccer ball. It's kinda neat but what we want in the game is more pazazz. Cheerleaders, short skirts and pompoms. And hotdog guys on the sidelines. That would put a failing game on map. As president I'll create a world series with maybe just four US sides taking part. All the other countries' teams can have time off. That'd be swell. As a matter of fact, you know...'


Trump never finished his remarks because at that moment a nurse with a Big Mac dangling from a fishing rod entered the Oval Office and enticed from the room.





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Andy Burnham opens 'No 10 Slough'


In recognition of the fact that the north isn't the only neglected wasteland in the country, Andy Burnham has announced plans to open "No 10 Slough".


The new office, conveniently situated near a grim 1960s multi-storey car park, is thought to have formerly belonged to a paper manufacturer that went bust due to mismanagement. Burnham said that he wanted to be a friend to the staff more than a boss, and especially to make them laugh, saying his heroes weren't Labour Party titans like Nye Bevan or Clement Attlee, they were "Everett, Milligan, Cleese... Sessions."


However, his attempt to ingratiate himself with the staff with comedy fell flat, as it relied heavily on offensive stereotypes and impressions of people they'd never met. His failure was all the more galling when compared with the effortless popularity of office manager Neil Godwin, leading to a dance-off between the two which those who saw it say they will never forget.


A shamefaced Burnham now plans to return to the office as rarely as possible, and always with his dog. He promised not to get involved in the running of the place, only asking "Who does yer tampons?"




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Speed cameras on Moon capture SpaceX crash


New footage of part of Elon Musk’s SpaceX rocket smashing into the Moon reveals two bright flashes just before impact. The flashes appear to come from a yellow box at the top of a pole rising some 5 metres out of the lunar surface, leading UK scientists to speculate that someone or some thing has placed speed cameras on the Moon.


Who would take such action? Jeff Bezos? The Amazon boss’ Blue Origin space program is well underway, but still lags behind Musk. Maybe it’s Bezos’ way of slowing up Musk’s progress, just a harmless bit of fun between two billionaires.


The question of speed in space is becoming more urgent as the universe becomes more crowded. The UK Space Agency (UKSA) – yes, we have one – has recommended a yellow box junction above the Moon’s most popular access points. Landing will be prohibited until the exit is clear.


The UKSA has also proposed a 20mph zone above the site of the 1969 landing, the Sea of Tranquility, in preparation for the ‘open deck’ tourist rockets that cannot be far away now.


Meanwhile, NASA analysis of the Moon crash footage has left the scientists baffled. They have run the yellow box footage through their digital boost software which has revealed the words ‘Property of Bromley Council’ printed along the side.


But no one at NASA has heard of Bromley so they’ve deleted the file.





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