Guardian staff to receive counselling for bad weather

Following the Guardian’s decision to offer counselling to staff upset by Donald Trump’s victory in the US election, it has been decided to expand the programme to cover other things which may trouble north London’s most delicate flowers.

First to apply was the paper’s environment correspondent, Esperance Tzatziki, who complained that the lovely walk on the Heath she had planned for the weekend had been spoiled by the weather. Senior staff were initially unsure if this really merited counselling, until she pointed out that it was probably due to climate change, at which point they heartily agreed it must have been very upsetting for her. She then requested further counselling on the grounds that their initial scepticism had compounded the original trauma.

Next up was star columnist Pippi Longstocking, who said her journey to the office had been marred by the presence on the train of some ghastly football supporters. When it was pointed out the paper does cover football, she said, 'Yes, but only with snide articles about the game being ruined by money, nothing any actual football fan would want to read.' Her claim was also accepted.

Third came the paper’s racial justice correspondent Batti al Wakko, who said that merely being around all these white people in the office was very oppressive for her. The paper accepted her claim, and then apologised for not doing so earlier, before she had even made it.

'Look, I’m obviously not going to complain,' said Islington-based therapist Rachel Greenblatt. 'I’ve never been so busy. I’ve had to take on a full-time receptionist, just to make sure the waiting room always has a wide selection of Fairtrade coffees and the right brand of mineral water.

'Of course, it does mean my work with survivors of rape and sexual assault has had to take a back seat. But they never paid as well as the Guardian anyway.'

Photo by stockcake: rainy-day-commute_480925_330947

GB News Acquired by The Beano

Following the fire-sale purchase of right-wing news organisation InfoWars by satirical site The Onion, financially struggling UK counterpart GB News has announced its acquisition by a similar long-standing publication, The Beano.

'We're delighted to bring GB News under The Beano's masthead,' said Denise Menice, editor-in-chief. 'Thankfully we'll have to make very few alterations, given we've already got Nigel Farage as a perfect Roger the Dodger, telling you how to dodge inheritance tax; Jacob Rees-Mogg was actually the original model for Lord Snooty, so it's really a case of life imitating art; and of course the rest make a great ensemble piece as the numbskulls."

In a Clacton pub, regular viewers were - perhaps shockingly - welcome to the changes. 'So long as they don't take that Michelle Dewberry off the breakfast show,' one supporter remarked, 'she's the only reason I get up in the morning, if you get my drift, fnar fnar!' While another was a little more hesitant, telling us, 'I'm worried about two things: First, the woke agenda sneaking in. None of the kids get whacked with a slipper or a cane any more. I was beaten by my dad and it never did me any harm, if you don't count the PTSD. Second, I hope they don't use all those long words like they do in the comic. I try to read it every week, and have to ask my son for help.'

Image credit: "Street Art in Cabra - Dennis the Menace and Gnasher" by infomatique is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.

Everton Seeks to Establish 'European Suboptimal League'

In a fresh challenge to Europe’s football status quo, Everton have announced they intend to form a breakaway entity called the ‘European Suboptimal League.’ The league will feature sides ‘that have over the years consistently possessed the will to renounce excellence,’ said a spokesman at a sparsely attended press conference. ‘Fans want to see action on the pitch that reflects their own lived experiences: thankless, unending drudgery, punctuated by occasional outbursts of spectacular failure.’

It remains unclear which other squads Everton will seek to recruit, though West Ham, San Marino, and sides currently or formerly managed by Wayne Rooney are thought to be among those in the frame. The Suboptimal League spokesman denied rumours that Manchester United would be allowed to join. ‘While they have expressed considerable interest, we don’t want teams who have purchased inadequacy, but rather those who have earned it through years of unstinting toil.’

The move has been a long time coming, according to Alfred Newman, Professor of Advanced Mediocrity Studies at the University of Liverpool. ‘For many years Everton have been looking for ways to monetize their indescribable nondescriptness,’ he said, ‘and it appears they may now have found the perfect solution.’ However, Newman warned that the league may not be sustainable over the long term. ‘It is likely that at least a handful of the teams in the league would actually win several matches, which would begin to dent their brands.’

 Newman said that ‘subtle rules changes could enhance the league’s staying power’ by ensuring a proliferation of draws. For example, ‘a ravenous mastiff could be released onto the pitch every time a squad gets the ball into the final third.’ Another approach would involve equipping keepers with ‘gloves that shoot enormous jets of flame.’ Newman suggested these ideas could be piloted in ‘a league of lesser significance, like the MLS.’

A Premier League representative expressed little concern over Everton’s move. ‘We can live without them,’ he said, apparently suppressing a yawn. ‘But if this new league does come into existence, maybe it could take David Coote off our hands.’

Image credit: "Project 366 #97: 060424 It's Been A While" by comedy_nose is marked with CC0 1.0.