Zelensky welcomes minute's silence, but really wants claps

President Zelensky has shown deep appreciation that the UK has observed a minute's silence to mark the sacrifices made by Ukraine, but notes that not only did the British public observe multiple minute's silences during the pandemic, mainly due to jaws dragging on the pavement, but within three months they had stood on doorsteps every Thursday clapping.

'Tanks, missiles and training are all very well, but what our troops really need are millions of British people clapping on the doorsteps every Thursday. I spoke with Boris and he reckoned it kept the virus at bay - or did he say the pay award, he was speaking very fast. Anyway, he said a good old dose of British clap was what the Ukrainian army really needs, and he insists he's ready to lead the way.'

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Corbsky found murdered with ice-axe in head

Left wing firebrand Leon 'Jeremy' Corbsky has been found murdered, an ice-axe buried in his skull, at the hacienda in Mexico where he was in hiding.

Though no one has claimed responsibility, few doubt his murder was ordered by party General Secretary Josef 'Keir' Starmlin, of whom Corbsky had become a persistent critic in recent times.

The two had been comrades-in-arms in the early days of the Glorious People's Revolution of 1997. It was at this time Starmlin adopted his famous nom de guerre, most often translated as 'man of plastic' though its literal meaning is 'Ken doll'.

However, the power struggle following the fall of Blairnin saw the two become bitter enemies over policy differences, Corbsky arguing for an immediate seizure of the means of production, distribution and exchange, Starmlin promising to 'consider' abolishing the charitable status of private schools.

Matters came to a head when Starmlin declared in a speech to party commissars that Corbsky could no longer stand as a Party candidate. On hearing the news, Corbsky fled his beloved North Islington, pausing only to ask his brother Piers to look after his allotment while he was away.

Sources close to Corbsky say he was terrified that if he stayed he'd be sent to Siberia, i.e. south of the river, forced to live in conditions so harsh you can't even get a decent flat white or gluten-free tartiflette.

Corbsky's murder leaves Starmlin free to extend his reign of terror over the nation, and possibly increase higher rate income tax by one percent.

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Apocalypse Horsemen send 'Save the Date' cards

In a fetching floral print, the hand-crafted invitations have been sent to every person on Earth. Remarked Conquest: 'The End of Days always felt so vague. It's been so lovely to have a fixed date at last.'

'Thanks to the inaction and incompetence of world leaders, we are now in a position to plan for our special day. It will be a nondenominational service, but at that point, praying to God will do you no good anyway. Oh, and Famine has sorted out everyone's dietary arrangements - which will be light on calories.

'We took awhile to agree on the day, as we wanted to avoid any rail strikes. We're just so pleased that everyone is invited - well technically, it's compulsory. Trust me, you wouldn't want to miss it for the world... what's left of it.'

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