Sajid Javid's spirit animal

Man standing outside station with a sign snags job as NHS chief executive

Only a few month’s ago, Brian Mitchell’s life looked bleak. He had been recently sacked from his street sweeping job and was struggling to feed himself and make ends meet.

Desperate for work, Brian pitched himself outside Westminster Underground Station, carrying a sign that said: “My name is Brian. Give me money so I can eat. Or a job. Whatever.”

Within an hour, Brian found himself in charge of the entire NHS.

“A nice man called Sajid said he liked my initiative and would I like to be put in charge of all of Britain’s public healthcare? That we he could blame me after they sacked him.”

Brian has been running the NHS for a week now and is rushing to catch up.

“I have no idea what’s going on, to be honest” he says, “but they tell me that’s pretty common. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision! Still, whenever they come to me with a major problem I always say the same thing:

Have you tried standing outside a station with a sign? Or: Have you tried banging a saucepan with a wooden spoon?

Everyone tells me I fit right in!"

image from pixabay

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May completes Brexit deal by agreeing to stay in EU

Prime Minister Theresa May has successfully concluded Brexit negotiations on the first day that she took over them – but accidentally committed to remaining in the EU. 'At first we were all slightly confused because she just kept repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’, ‘red, white and blue Brexit’ and ‘strong and stable’ at us,' said Michel Barnier, the EU’s chief negotiating officer. 'But eventually we had a rigorous debate. She was as tough with us as she is at Prime Minister’s Question Time – so it was quite easy.'

Hours went by and the deal while the deal was thrashed out behind closed doors. Recently appointed - and even more recently deputised - Brexit secretary Dominic Rabb said the negotiations were 'fierce' before adding: 'Well, they sounded like it through the keyhole I was listening at. But I didn't like to pry too much because Mrs May said it wasn't any of my business.'

After just three hours Barnier and a confused looking May appeared before the press to announce the details of the deal. 'We spent the last few hours listening to Mrs May’s demands and looking at the Chequers White Paper,” Barnier said. “We still have no idea of what her Government wants. There seemed to be no common ground and then we had a breakthrough and found areas we agreed upon, which was to piss Boris off.'

'We laughed a lot, far more than we ever did with David Davies,' Barnier continued. 'Mrs May was willing to make quite a few concessions to get at Boris. She conceded on the issue of blue passports, the need to leave the EU and the future of her political career.' May was led away whilst mumbling 'Brexit means Boris'. Meanwhile, Home Secretary Sajid Javid said the deal meant the UK would not object if the EU wanted to bring the death penalty for Nigel Farage.

Image: Stux/Pixabay