PM spends weekend at Chequers with fizz and Netflix

Markets eased pressure on the pound and gilts late Friday as news spread that UK Prime Minister Liz Truss had cancelled constituency meetings in Norfolk and had, instead, headed for Chequers in Buckinghamshire. The official line was that the Prime Minister was using the time to polish up her plans to convince the UK she was in control of the country and the economy, however leaked reports indicated she'd raided the drinks cabinet and was curled up on the sofa watching rom-coms back-to-back on Netflix.

'While she isn't making policy decisions, she isn't destroying the country,' said a finance specialist. Kimberly Clark, manufacturers of the Kleenex brand, have reported a sudden boost in government purchases, especially in the Buckinghamshire region and have seen a commensurate boost to its share price. 'Looks like growth, growth, and growth,' said a Kimberly Clark spokesman, admitting that the use of an Oxford comma might cost it lucrative NHS contracts. 'To be fair, the Kleenex boost will cover that,' he added.

Image: SocialButterflyMMG | Pixabay

When cupboard love no longer works

Entire HS2 scrapped and replaced with Downing Street to Chequers jetpacks

Tory MP’s in red wall areas were left speechless and outraged after Downing Street’s latest levelling up transport announcement. People in the North had their hopes of a high-speed rail network crushed as the government condemned them to another hundred years of overcrowded piss-filled trains and wonky level crossings.

Sir Tarquin Ogilvy MP (Ebahgumshire South) said he was appalled at the decision. “All they are doing is upgrading the crisps on the Batley to Grimthorpe mainline from Walkers to the hand-cooked kettle variety. With the price of a first-class return from Bradford to Scumton at over £13,000 off-peak, it’s going to price most universal benefit claimants off the railways and back onto their pit ponies.”

A government spokesman said it was vital that a global Britain had a Prime Minister who could literally jet off to Chequers whenever he felt the need to avoid any inconvenient car crashes.

Jet Pack Rocket Propel - Free vector graphic on Pixabay

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

Something Similar	Order now for Christmas	Something Different
Labour leader calls for resignation of 1980s amorous TV milkman	Only on Amazon	UN breaks Guinness World Record for environmental pledges abandoned