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Djokovic attended Downing Street lockdown party claim witnesses



The worlds much-loved number one tennis bellend is said to be amongst 370 people who attended the event in May 2020. The claim increases pressure on the worlds much-loved number one prime ministerial bellend. Mr Johnson says he can’t recall anything, can’t spell the word ‘party’ in any case, and strenuously denies even knowing who Djokovic is.


“Ah…um...well…jolly tricky all this. I did remember being introduced to some sporting chappie, but frankly, they all look the same after a couple of bottles of vintage Dom Perignon.’


A Downing Street spokesman denied that any rules had been broken apart from the ones that were: ‘There’s nothing in the rules to say that Mr Djokovic, who wasn’t here, by the way, cannot play tennis with senior cabinet ministers, who also weren’t here. There is also no truth in the spurious rumours that Prince Andrew, who didn't attend, served canapes, or that Melania Trump, who also wasn’t here, was fired out of a canon. Mind you, it was pretty bloody spectacular, even though no one was here and nothing happened.’





First published 12 Jan 2022


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Cleaner becomes PM because she's the only gov't member not to have to resign over Xmas party




Following news that the civil servant leading the inquiry into the 10 Downing Street Christmas party has resigned because he also organised an illegal Christmas party, everyone in government - MPs, Lords and civil servants alike - has admitted that they also attended illegal Christmas parties last year, and has resigned. It appears that the only person employed by the government who did not organise or attend an illegal Christmas party in 2020 is Downing Street cleaner Grace Richards, 27, who will now become Prime Minister and form a new government.


The Labour Party was initially approached for this role, but its leader Keir Starmer said that he fully supported the government's action, and so his party would resign also. The Liberal Democrat HQ was on answerphone "following a big night for us", and the SNP said that they had no interest in taking responsibility for "that shambles south of Gretna Green".


Ms Williams said she "would need to have a bit of a think" before announcing her Cabinet and programme for office, but suggested that "taking money out of billionaires' offshore bank accounts and putting it into the NHS, higher wages for key workers, and a lot more buses on the 29 route to Westminster" would be among her key policies.



First published 20 Dec 2021


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UK finds the controls down the back of a sofa



The government have found the controls behind the back of a sofa in Downing Street. 'What a palaver - we've spent years trying to take back control and we had the buggers all the time. Brexit, Johnson, all the arguments and we didn't need to do all of that - could have stayed in the EU, left Boris in the fridge and helped to find Liz Truss a brain.


'Soz'.





First published 22 Oct 2022


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