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UK finds the controls down the back of a sofa


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The government have found the controls behind the back of a sofa in Downing Street. 'What a palaver - we've spent years trying to take back control and we had the buggers all the time. Brexit, Johnson, all the arguments and we didn't need to do all of that - could have stayed in the EU, left Boris in the fridge and helped to find Liz Truss a brain.


'Soz'.





First published 22 Oct 2022


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Downing Street hosepipes to be on all fuc*ing summer


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With hosepipe bans in place and others on the way across the UK as the country experiences drought conditions. Those who don’t comply could face fines of up to £1,000.


In line with Downing Street’s adherence to other laws and regulations, water will be pumping out of Number 10’s hosepipes as long as a ban is in place.


'Yeah, fuck all that,' said Boris Johnson, who turned on seven hosepipes and three sprinkler systems at Number 10 before buggering off on holiday.


'All the Downing Street aides are thrilled because I’ve told them to have at it with the paddling pool. And the household staff are under strict instructions to water all the plants with a hose every single day – even the indoor ones.


“The Downing Street garden will be turned into a swamp while the rest of the country burns – if you’ve got a problem with that, call the fucking pigs!


“Oh, you don’t need to because they’re already posted on the front door. And guess what? They don’t give a shit.


'If you think I’ve behaved inappropriately then get Sue Gray to conduct an investigation. I’ll be long gone by the time she’s finished and I’ll just be able to claim that Liz Truss flooded the premises while trying to make ice cubes. Admit it - that’s totally believable.'


Former Chancellor Rishi Sunak said, “This is exactly the sort of unethical behaviour that forced me to resign. Still, we don’t have to worry about all that now.”


With that, he reached for a hosepipe and added some water to his whiskey.


story: chrisballard


First published 8 Aug 2022


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"We really miss Boris Johnson" - Despondent journalists pen open letter to Starmer

Updated: Aug 2

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A number of Westminster press pack members have written an open letter to Keir Starmer begging him to ditch his bland, magnolia, completely insipid and totally nothing persona. Urging him to "buck up and adopt a more Boris Johnson like approach to the job".


One of the letter's signatories explained: 'Obviously, when in office Boris was an utterly feckless buffoon. He wouldn't have known the truth if it bit him on the arse. He had no understanding of important policy details and absolutely zero ability for the job whatsoever. And of course he hadn't a shred of personal integrity.


'But, I mean. Come on. It was never a dull moment. One minute he be hiding from us in a fridge, the next he was involved in illicit piss-ups at No.10 during lockdown. Blagging the cost of his wallpaper from the taxpayer, then all the stuff about his inability to keep little Boris in his trousers. Not to mention running roughshod over the very concept of common decency and continually lying to parliament. By God he was good for column inches and sales.'  


Downing Street has yet to comment but a spokesman for the PM said: 'Look, keep this under you hats for now. I can't see Keir going full Boris, though we're lining up a photo op where he's going to run through a field of wheat without first having cleared it with the farmer.' 


image from pixabay


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