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Number 10 Lectern demands pay rise

Writer: ChrisF
ChrisF
1 day ago




The wooden lectern regularly placed outside Number 10 Downing Street for speeches by the PM has demanded a pay rise, citing a huge increase in its workload over recent times.


The four-foot high oak stand complete with microphone, has called for an immediate above-inflation pay settlement, or else it will take indefinite strike action, likely to cause major disruption to the ongoing Tory shitshow.


‘When I took this job on, my contract said I’d be used for major occasions of national significance’, said the angry lectern. ‘You'll be rolled out possibly once every couple of years, they said, if I was unlucky’.


‘But let me read you my shifts this year alone. Partygate apology, Boris’s resignation, Boris’s leaving, Truss’s arrival, and now bloody Truss’s departure.’


‘And the Queen carking it too. I forgot about that’.


‘It’s taking the piss, it really is. I’m still pursuing my claim with 2 other lecterns from 2020 for being forced to wear those ridiculous yellow warning signs saying ‘Stay at home, Save Lives’ during the pandemic. It was frankly degrading. Now I've been rolled out again, this time for Rishi and told to be on standby for his resignation speech on Friday.'


A spokesperson for Number 10 said ‘We’re sorry to hear that the static, wooden incumbent in Number 10 has had so much trouble in their role.’


'Unfortunately, we can't promise there will be any change with the new leader. As for the lectern, we'll take their claims very seriously'.



First published 26 Oct 2022


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Her Royal Highness, Sue Gray, admits to meeting with Boris Johnson on a number of ocassions

Writer: Throngsman
Throngsman
May 23

A spokesman for senior, but otherwise ordinary civil servant Sue Gray has admitted she met with Prime Minister Boris Johnson on a number of occasions.


Ms Gray, the country's top civil servant, met the Prime Minister a couple of weeks ago and insisted that the Sue Gray report would be issued without any edits.


He said that in a subsequent meeting, Sue Gray, MBE insisted that the majority of the details would be provided without redaction. After a further meeting, according to the spokesman, Sue Gray OBE would consider some edits but it wasn't until the Prime Minister met Lady Gray did she agree to let the government advise on edits, but didn't commit to agreeing to any of them.



He said that Her Royal Highness, Queen Sue Gray, VC, DSC, DCMG has determined that she is way too busy to issue the report and has agreed to knight Sir Boris Johnson at the earliest opportunity.



First published 23 May 2022


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New government chief of communications positive spin machine installed wrong way up

Writer: Steveb
Steveb
Feb 10


Bojo the not clown sure can pick 'em.


Newly appointed head of communications at Number 10, Guto Harri, has had an epic first day on the job. Not quite up to GB News standards of continued employment, makes Harri the undisputed first choice for saying things right at the highest seat of power.


Grabbing prime real estate headline space across medialand for all of the wrong reasons, immediately solidifies him as exactly the sort of chap Boris Johnson needs to ensure the Great nation of Britain continues to be utterly embarrassed in the cringeworthy manner to which it has become accustomed.


Such instant classics to gain the seal of approval from the Downing Street Collective Lobotomy Trust include:


'The Prime Minister isn't a complete clown. He didn't party every night. And he definitely didn't break all of his own lockdown rules. Indeed, not every party he illegally attended is being investigated by the Met.


'During the period of the pandemic, Boris Johnson didn't put absolutely everyone in harm's way. Repeatedly. Quite a few people in care homes actually survived.


'Despite what some are saying, Boris hasn't mislead the House of Commons on every single occasion. He only illegally prorogued Parliament a bit. And he almost actually got some of Brexit done.


'He is not the sort of person to create the perfect conditions allowing his closest chums, donors and enemies of the state to cream billions out of the taxpayer purse. And anyone who points out that serious fraud has been rampant on his watch, very much needs to take a good look at a thesaurus of synonyms for rampant.'




First published 10 Feb 2022


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