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Michael Gove found telling the truth


In a twist nobody expected, former MP, now Lord Michael Gove was found telling the truth.


An interviewer on the BBC was attempting to find out what Gove knew about the fast track PPE contracts, whether the usual checks and balances in procurement had been avoided for any rational reason other than fraud and whether there was any collusion in his department to push contracts to companies without proven skills in PPE which happened to be run by 'chums'.


Lord Gove avoided answering any of these questions, obviously, but when asked if he had visited the House of Lords and he responded he'd voted seventy nine times, which apparently is true.  The interviewer is being treated for shock and is expected to make a full recovery.





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Great Train Robbery 'Just an honest mistake'


A Public Enquiry into The Great Train Robbery has concluded that Ronnie Biggs and his friends 'inadvertently' took bags filled with cash believing them to be their own suitcases.


Britain’s Special Envoy to Colombia, Michael Gove, welcomed the exoneration. 'People are so quick to point the finger but these were just some innocent commuters who accidentally found themselves with vast quantities of loot. Well, I say vast – that was years ago, seems like a drop in the ocean nowadays'.


In other news police aren’t searching for a missing £10 billion or the people who took it, despite the fact there is a VIP lane leading all the way to their bank accounts. One detective said 'Like old fashioned bank robbers, they wore masks. Low quality PPE to be exact.'




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Johnson Creates Two New Regulators -OffHead and OffT*ts - In Whitehall Shake-up






It has been announced that two new wholly independent regulatory bodies are to be established, in the public interest. The Office of Hospitality, Enjoyment and Alcoholic Drinks (OffHead) will have a broad remit and terms of reference. It will have responsbility for both quality - no rubbish plonk at official gatherings - and value for money, e.g. are extra discounts available from selected retailers for bulk purchasing of 3 suitcases or more.



OffHead will have a partner authority whose surprise appointment as Chief is Michael Gove. With a similar public exposure, this Regulator of Tonics, Intemperance, Thrills and Stimulants (OffTits) will be in good hands. And noses. It will focus on solid results, as opposed to the liquid assets of OffHead.



A spokesman for No.10 Downing Street commented, "The Prime Minister is well aware of public disquiet regarding the recent Sue Gray report, and the appalling behaviour by junior staff who should have known better. The creation of these two authorities will ensure that in future everyone understands what is required for the good of the Party. And a good Party will mean we are all subject to OffHeads and OffTits checks throughout. Now, please, I think what people wish us to do is move on from this. Yeah, move on. I'm gonna move, move on down the line. Wanna get some love, a love that's truly fine. Oh I'm gonna show you a-way so hot, I'm gonna get what you ain't got ... <deep sniff> I'm sorry, could you repeat that question?"




First published 26 May 2022


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