Johnson plots to fat-shame Sunak

Allies of Boris Johnson say he is plotting to fat-shame the Prime Minister as part of a plan to return to No 10. Polls show a significant proportion of the electorate would like to see a return to the glory days of skinny Boris. The Daily Mail and Express have thrown their support behind Johnson's plot, claiming Sunak is ‘too fat to govern’.

A source close to the former PM said:

‘Boris will accuse Rishi of being a scruffy lying porker. Far from being offensive, he is merely point out that fat people in public office never happened under his watch, and that its time Rishi stepped aside so he can squeeze past him and get back into No 10.'

Downing Street was quick to deny that Rishi is a heffalump, pointing out that Ursula von der Leyen regularly beats him at arm wrestling. .

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2nd century Roman sex toy may have belonged to Silvio Berlusconi

Archaeologists believe they have found the only known Roman dildo to have belonged to a former Italian prime minister. The 2000-year-old wooden phallus was discovered during the excavation of a Roman villa and may have been dropped in panic when Silvio Berlusconi’s wife returned home early from the shops.

Archaeologists have found traces of hair dye and dirty money on the artefact and are confident it was dropped by a former prime minister sometime in the 2nd century AD.

That Liz Truss Telegraph “essay” summarised

Leadership Contest – “The first I knew about being a part of the leadership contest was when my Chief Adviser pulled off a fake nose and glasses and revealed himself to be Michael McIntyre asking me to be the Unexpected Star of his show.”

Campaign Brutality –“The leadership campaign turned out to be as brutal as my husband had feared. I ran out of original, pre-watershed metaphors for ‘entitled wanker’.”

Energy Bills –“As a matter of urgency, I dealt with the issue of energy bills. How was I to know Invoicium Redigendum wouldn’t work?”

OBR Forecasts –“I come from the Michael Fish era of forecasting, so excuse me if I was reluctant to go to the Delphi budgeteers! Mind you, in hindsight, I should have checked to see whether Kwasi had ever written the words ‘budget’ and ‘responsibility’ in the same sentence before.”

Corporation Tax –“Why on Earth would I raise Corporation Tax. There are people’s wages that are taxable, and there are far more people in the UK than there are businesses – especially after Brexit!”

Mini-Budget Reaction –“There were positive reactions from many quarters. Brenda Smethwick, a dinner lady in my WI said it was “Very nice, dear”; and the bloke down my local doner kebab van said “If you say so, love”.”

Markets Collapse –“At no point during any of the preparations for the mini-budget had any concerns about liability-driven investments (LDIs) and the risk they posed to bond markets been mentioned at all to me, the chancellor or any of our teams by officials at the Treasury. For God’s sake, there are only two occupations you can swan into without any training whatsoever, and they are Estate Agents and MPs. What the hell are we supposed to know!?! I thought an LDI was a type of Lexus.”

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