Convincing fraudster poses as Prime Minister

A notorious fraudster has posed as the Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, on more than twenty occasions, without being detected.

Shoppers attending the opening of a new PoundBeater store in Formby, Lancs., expressed their approval as the doppelgänger PM cut the ribbon and made an impromptu trolley dash through the aisles. 'There's someone who understands the cost of living crisis,' said one spectator, as Keir emerged triumphantly with an armful of slightly bent, but reduced, Curlywurly bars. After the opening, he popped into a local hairdresser's to have his hair re-oiled and lacquered back into position. 'Doris asked him if he wanted a shampoo, but he said he never used it,' said one awestruck OAP. 'He looked just like he does on telly.'

The lookey-likey also went to the darts at the Ally Pally, dressed as a minion. 'We thought,' said a security guard, 'that the PM was making a political statement about Ukraine or something, You know, blue and yellow. He was certainly having a good time, and he was packing away the lagers. When Luke Littler won, he went absolutely ape. That's when we started wondering if the pressures of the job were getting to him.'

The double is also thought to have attended is a recent Cabinet Meeting, after shutting the PM in a cupboard. 'I thought it was a bit off,' said Rachel Reeves. 'We were telling him to make a statement about Maduro and Trump, but he said no to that. We asked him if the kidnapping was legal under international law, but he just started talking about Arsenal's recent poor form. When we asked if we could beat Reform in the May elections, he said 'probably not'. So, to be honest, it was all very convincing and the imposter did nothing to give himself away.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Cleaner becomes PM because she's the only gov't member not to have to resign over Xmas party

Following news that the civil servant leading the inquiry into the 10 Downing Street Christmas party has resigned because he also organised an illegal Christmas party, everyone in government - MPs, Lords and civil servants alike - has admitted that they also attended illegal Christmas parties last year, and has resigned. It appears that the only person employed by the government who did not organise or attend an illegal Christmas party in 2020 is Downing Street cleaner Grace Richards, 27, who will now become Prime Minister and form a new government.

The Labour Party was initially approached for this role, but its leader Keir Starmer said that he fully supported the government's action, and so his party would resign also. The Liberal Democrat HQ was on answerphone "following a big night for us", and the SNP said that they had no interest in taking responsibility for "that shambles south of Gretna Green".

Ms Williams said she "would need to have a bit of a think" before announcing her Cabinet and programme for office, but suggested that "taking money out of billionaires' offshore bank accounts and putting it into the NHS, higher wages for key workers, and a lot more buses on the 29 route to Westminster" would be among her key policies.

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 20 Dec 2021

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Starmer to join Reform

A spokesman for the Prime Minister has provided a press release confirming that the PM will be joining Reform 'sometime soon, probably before the next election.'  He said Starmer had paid Nigel Farage for membership already, apparently they were next to each other waiting to vote on something and Farage accepted £23 'for cash'.  The PM, apparently had been waiting for an opportunity to do it, but never seemed to catch the Reform leader in the House of Commons that often and despite travelling a lot, couldn't match Farage's travel plans.

'He doesn't agree with Reform's policies, such as they are,' the spokesman said, 'but he liked the idea of not having to turn up for work much, getting away with bare-faced lying and is yet to be approached by Russia for an off-the-books contract just for saying words that aren't hurty to Putin,' he added.  Apparently his work ethic might be an issue, he's only ever held one job at a time, let alone 12 or 13, and has an unfortunate habit of not copying whatever Trump, for example, says.  'I'm sure it's just a training issue,' said the spokesman, agreeing that Farage is unlikely to be arsed providing it.

Urgent Update:  The spokesman for the Prime Minister has apologised for issuing a press release produced using AI.  'Apparently the AI language models aren't fully up to speed yet and the one an aide used has been trained largely on satirical websites,' he said.  So that's alright then, as you were and don't believe press releases.  Especially if they use NewsBiscuit to train on.  Tsk.