3rd worst prime minister ever asks 2nd worst to shag things up even more

The third worst prime minister in British history isn't wrecking the entire country quickly enough. The top option to bring in with a proven track record of completely annihilating the UK is currently unavailable as he's still trying to offload dubiously obtained gold wallpaper on Ancient Greek eBay.

The one every self disrespecting Conservative thinks is the worst prime minister in British history wasn't afforded enough time to obliterate the nation by the correct process dictated by a rotting lettuce. Therefore, technically, she can only be ranked as the fourth worst PM ever, because she wasn't around long enough to cause quite as much irrecoverable destruction.

The fifth worst prime minister in British history quit office to spend more time with Boris Johnson's children. Well, someone had to, and she is the only leader in recent years who comprehends numbers which go higher than seven. Plus she has far too much integrity for the job in vowing to take dancing lessons before returning to high office.

So it falls to the country's favourite porcine appreciator to swill into a senior Cabinet role normally reserved for an elected member of parliament. That's what back doors are for, and there are ways of silencing the squealing.

It is all perfectly above board to hastily throw Lordship spaghetti at the unelected to see what sticks. Why? Because the current prime minister is himself unelected. Not even by the dubious protocol of allowing Conservative members to select who leads the Party.

But wait, Shirley that would mean that technically he is not actually prime minister? That would be a particularly terrible situation as it would mean that the rankings of worst prime ministers would have to be rewritten. And to a lesser extent of importance, the country would have to be renamed the Former Democracy Formerly Known as the United Kingdom. Or FKUKing Hell, for short.

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'We're sick of explaining basic sh*t to Prime Ministers' sigh class of 7-year-olds

Miss Sherwood's class of 6 and 7-year-olds are fed up. This is the third time in two years that they have had to explain to another Prime Minister why it's not a good idea to do that.

'They keep popping round and pestering us,' sighed Chloe Bright of 3C. 'My best friend Millie has had to put up with this stupidity since she was four. They flounce in here like they own the place, but they don't even know the basics. That one with the silly blond hair wasn't even paying attention. He was just sitting there with a perplexed expression on his face. If we didn't tell him why it was not the best move to pick his bottom with his finger and lick it, then the photographers would have had a field day.

'And that nauseating woman... she didn't even understand the fundamentals of macro economics. They should have put her in the special class we are not allowed to talk about.

'Now this new one who is even smaller than Jamie, he's all chirpy and everything and at least pretends like he understands. But when his adult chums say something so dim that it makes you want to repeatedly smash your face on your desk, he doesn't correct them. He just pretends what they said was OK, like he doesn't know that sort of talk will get the rest of us in a whole heap of trouble. Why doesn't he realise that if he doesn't act, they're just going to carry on saying stupider and stupider stuff until we're all toast? If you can't communicate with others in a normal way or even dress yourself properly, then you shouldn't be allowed outside among other people, never mind try to run a country.

'Where do they get them from? Whichever school these numpty-dumpties went to, it should be shut down immediately.'

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Tomatoes decide to ripen after all

Some green tomatoes which had decided on the first of September that they would remain unripe have changed their minds due to the week of warm sunshine ahead.

Spokes-tomato Graham Delight said: 'At the start of meteorological autumn we had a bit of discussion and decided throughout the vine that we’d be remaining verdurous. There was some dissent in the ranks, and I suggested that anyone desperate to be red as a Prime Minister who has cut the budget for school repairs could hang about with the bananas or avocados in the hope of being ethylene gassed into their desired tone.

'However, yesterday was so un-Autumn like that we’ve had a rethink. I myself am ripening from the inside out and expect to be a glossy scarlet hue by Wednesday. The other fruits are enjoying the brightness and by the weekend could slip into a salad or grace the top of a lasagne.'

Photo by Dan Gold on Unsplash