Prime Minister | NewsBiscuit

Entire North to be entered for Turner Prize

Oct 9

Prime Minister Andy Burnham has confirmed that the entire North of England will be entered for this year’s Turner Prize. It is the first time a work by a living prime minister has been entered for modern art’s most prestigious prize.

The Prime Minister said, 'I have been working on this for some time, and it follows on from my album of Oasis covers and the branding of Number Ten North. It is part of our government’s cultural diplomacy.'

The work can already be seen across great swathes of the North, in fact all of it. One of the work’s most unusual features is that people can ‘live’ in the piece and go about their ordinary business just as if it was a part of everyday life, which, of course, it is.

Other entries for this year’s prize include #motion-flux, a 20 metre stretch of pavement in Margate covered by a pile of e-bikes, and a sculpture of a weeping plane spotter at RAF Fairford who turned up a day late for the B-52s.

Image credit: Wix AI

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Jeffrey Archer, RIP

apepper

Oct 8

Jeffrey Archer has passed away at the age of 139. He was the second man to walk on Moon, the fifth Beatle, a Cambridge Don, the 'best PM we never had', a Nobel laureate and an Olympic gold medallist. He is believed to have either have been murdered by a jealous husband or died as a result of a mishap during his attempt to repair his private Concorde in midair.

Mr Archer was always destined for greatness and expected to follow his father as head of the British Army. At the age of 7 Jeffrey was offered the throne of Albania but felt he couldn't spare the week it would take to learn the language. Instead, he decided to use his gifts to become the greatest writer of the 20th and 21st centuries. Seamus Heaney is reported to have begged Jeffrey to stop writing for a while to 'give the rest of us a chance at the Nobels.'

Image credit: Bjørn Erik Pedersen, CC BY 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons (image has been cropped)

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Burnham 'If charity could sort everything out, that would be grand'

Wrenfoe

Sep 16

Without a twinge of irony, the PM helped raise money for a cause he could solve in one day. Rather than end rough sleeping, Mr. Burnham thought the appropriate action was to get all sweaty for a charity that was doing his job for him. He was alleged to have mumbled in a northern dialect, ‘I could help but I'd rather jog off’.

With nipples chaffing, the Prime Minister celebrated his victory against homeliness by high-fiving a tramp. Asked why he doesn't volunteer at the shelter, Burnham explained that running past the shelter at speed creates a powerful crosswind of compassion. Every time somebody suggested tackling the root cause of the problem, an aide pointed at his medal and said, ‘Andy prefers to tackle the route cause.’

He also spent six months training for a sponsored 5K to combat world hunger, then celebrated crossing the finish line by eating seventeen pastries. He insisted that the true cure for homelessness was watching 4,000 office workers dressed as bananas jog through a city centre on a Sunday morning. Staff began referring to him as a ‘frontline responder’ because he overtook a man dressed as a giraffe.

Years later, the problem will still exist, but Burnham will have a drawer full of participation T-shirts as tangible proof that something very energetic was definitely done about it.

photo: Wikimedia Commons https://rb.gy/olqqwg

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