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Disappointing children’s action figure Rishi Sunak has urged homeowners to work harder on their drinking in order to overcome rising mortgages.
‘Look, I realise most people are paying an extra £500 per month, and that’s apparently challenging for many of you’, he told reporters. ‘That’s why we’ve reduced the price of a pint of beer by 11p. A mere 151 pints a day is the break-even point. Obviously it would be better if you just bought the house outright, but if you will insist on using a mortgage you can now offset some or all of the additional expense with cheap beer’.
Critics have pointed out that beer duty hasn’t fallen, it’s stayed the same – in pubs – while rising 10.1% on cans and bottles from off-licences.
‘Ah’, said Sunak, ‘I’m glad you spotted that. Inflation means that a price freeze is the same as a price cut. Glad we cleared that up. I want to get people back into pubs – don’t ask me why, I assume Infosys has just bought a few thousand – so I’m making them more competitive’.
If the beer thing proves popular with voters Sunak has promised to take a look at bread and circuses.
Fighting has broken out inside several zoos as young people strive to get their hands on a new energy drink. Camels have reportedly been traumatised by youths demanding to have their lifestyles re-hydrated with the elixir of life.
YouTube influencers, KFI and Logan Paul, have endorsed dromedary urine, which they say is the secret of their eternal youth. Although not yet scientifically proven, ‘Hump’ is said to boost IQ and make you less stupider.
The price of Hump has skyrocketed, with bottles offered on eBay for £10,000. Zoos are restricting sales to three bottles per customer. Hump comes in three flavours – Straw & Hay, Oaty McCamel Face, and Camel Toe Punch.
Image from Pixabay by taniadimas
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