NASA to prevent Earth colliding with second Trump Presidency

Having fired probes into oncoming asteroids, NASA is hopeful they can knock Donald Trump out of his political trajectory. Warned one scientist: 'A large orange ball is heading right for the White House and every time Joe Biden opens his mouth, this lump picks up momentum.'

The impact of Trump would be seismic, with liberals flattened in every direction. Last time he created a crater the size of Manhattan - and that was just the indentation his arse left on the memory foam mattress.

'If hitting it with a probe won't make him budge, we can always send the FBI round again.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 27 Sep 2022

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins

Bible authors ‘must have been on drugs’ say experts

Recent scholarship has confirmed that whoever wrote the Bible ‘must have been off their tits, or something’.

Doctor Pete Lawton of the University of Padgate has been researching the Bible for twenty years. His PhD thesis “Biblical Exegesis: Is It A Waste of Everybody’s Time?” was less an academic paper than a cry for help.

‘I’ve spent the best years of my life studying this book’, he told journalists. ‘I’ve read it in Greek, in Hebrew, I even learned Aramaic for that bit at the end where Jesus gets really pissed off. All around me the literature and art students were getting laid, getting wasted, going to music festivals. I actually pitied them their shallow lives. Can you believe that?

‘And then it dawned on me: it’s totally batshit crazy. Plague of boils? Frogs? People getting turned into pillars of salt? It’s like Game of Thrones on acid. Might as well study the Tooth Fairy.

‘I went off the rails a bit, got a new hairstyle and tried Psilocybin. That first trip – wow. I could hear the trees murmuring to one another through the earth. I held a conversation with a eucalyptus tree in Australia – they’re all connected, you see – and I felt the warmth of the earth’s embrace for the first time. When I came round I’d crapped myself quite thoroughly, but after a quick shower I went back to the Bible and it suddenly made sense’.

Theologians are divided on whether the Bible was written under the influence of mushrooms or alcohol, but strongly recommend being high before reading the thing.

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

More fake news from the NB archives

6th cent. BC. Buddha gets idea for reincarnation while visiting recycling centre.

33 AD. Jesus crucified, asks to be buried with 10kg of self-raising flour.

c. 150 AD. Ptolemy proves world is round. Shops that sold models of Earth now calling them "frisbees".

1450. Renaissance pauses for half-time break so people can clear backlog of witches and heretics to be burned.

1453. Guinness Book of Records congratulates England and France on completing Hundred Years' War.

1560. Nostradamus correctly predicts the Trump presidencies, but realises they are just too far-fetched for publication

1707. Act of Union - apparently. Scotland wakes up in bed beside England with huge hangover and no idea how it got there.

1842. Victorian society is shocked by the first Pirelli calendar, which features pictures of pianos with particularly attractive legs

1854. Alfred Tennyson in secret talks with Light Brigade: 'You provide the charge and I'll provide the poem.'

1901. Death of Queen Victoria sparks constitutional crisis as King Edward too fat to fit on stamp.

1919. Humiliating peace terms for WWI losers at Versailles, whereby Britain allowed to make one 12-part sitcom per year about beating Germany.

Includes contributions from FlashArry and deskpilot

Photo credit stockcake: museum-dinosaur-exhibit_262824_51875