NASA to prevent Earth colliding with second Trump Presidency

Having fired probes into oncoming asteroids, NASA is hopeful they can knock Donald Trump out of his political trajectory. Warned one scientist: 'A large orange ball is heading right for the White House and every time Joe Biden opens his mouth, this lump picks up momentum.'

The impact of Trump would be seismic, with liberals flattened in every direction. Last time he created a crater the size of Manhattan - and that was just the indentation his arse left on the memory foam mattress.

'If hitting it with a probe won't make him budge, we can always send the FBI round again.'

Sunak criticised for only promising one Earth

Conservative members have raised concerns about Rishi Sunak.

Colonel Bigot of Eastbourne, who has been a party member since its formation in 1834, explained: "I know he's promised the Earth, but Liz Truss promised two Earths and Penny Mordaunt promised at least two, but probably three Earths. It's pretty obvious that two is bigger than one. Mr Sunak needs to raise his game - perhaps a promise to deport himself to Rwanda would tip the balance."

In other news, Boris Johnson has applied to be Prime Minister of Sri Lanka.

image from pixabay

COP26 delegates shocked as Planet Earth says “I don’t need saving."

It’s been the overriding message of COP26 and all previous such gatherings that unless we all act quickly then our planet is doomed. “Not so.” says the Earth after taking to social media to refute any suggestion that it’s in any sort of danger at all.

It describes such talk as typical human hubris. “It’s true mankind might be in imminent danger of extinction, an event that can’t come soon enough as far as I’m concerned, but I shall be here for another few billion years yet. And nothing you smart arses do will change that.”

Asked about the threat of global warming, extreme weather, or nuclear winter, Earth’s response was a matter-of-fact, “Bring it on.” And concluded by saying, “I heard exactly the same thing from the bloody dinosaurs. Oooh no, the end of the world is nigh. I’ll admit that asteroid stung like hell for a few hundred years, but I’m still here, and they’re not.”

Image: Unsplash/The New York Public Library

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

COP26: A Delegate's Guide	On sale now	Last Place On Earth discovered in a garden in Redditch