Not more satellites!

NASA to prevent Earth colliding with second Trump Presidency

Having fired probes into oncoming asteroids, NASA is hopeful they can knock Donald Trump out of his political trajectory. Warned one scientist: 'A large orange ball is heading right for the White House and every time Joe Biden opens his mouth, this lump picks up momentum.'

The impact of Trump would be seismic, with liberals flattened in every direction. Last time he created a crater the size of Manhattan - and that was just the indentation his arse left on the memory foam mattress.

'If hitting it with a probe won't make him budge, we can always send the FBI round again.'

Sunak criticised for only promising one Earth

Conservative members have raised concerns about Rishi Sunak.

Colonel Bigot of Eastbourne, who has been a party member since its formation in 1834, explained: "I know he's promised the Earth, but Liz Truss promised two Earths and Penny Mordaunt promised at least two, but probably three Earths. It's pretty obvious that two is bigger than one. Mr Sunak needs to raise his game - perhaps a promise to deport himself to Rwanda would tip the balance."

In other news, Boris Johnson has applied to be Prime Minister of Sri Lanka.

image from pixabay