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Lucy Bronze sets the standard for how much pain women can tolerate

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England defender Lucy Bronze has dismissed other women as wimps by playing 90 minutes of football with her leg hanging off; and says she could easily have had triplets and coped with 2 failed relationships during the match as well.


Andrew Tate told Newsbiscuit, that Lucy was an excellent example of how far too many women make out they are weaker than they really are; and wished he’d been able to help her prove her point, by giving her two black eyes before she had her post-match photo took.


It isn’t known yet how Lucy Bronze intends to spend her time in the aftermath of the match, but a friend told Newsbiscuit, she expects she’ll unwind with a few pints of absinthe while she listening to Ed Sheeran.


image from pixabay


Unknown songwriter awarded 'at least a gazillion pounds' in court case


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Ben Freckles, a songwriter hailing from Llandudno, has been awarded the highest ever award for copyright infringement by the High Court. Freckles, who has published fifty thousand songs in a career spanning seventy years, has never had a song recorded crediting him, but he successfully claimed he wrote the music to most of the songs that have been top ten hits since 1960 in practically every country in the world.


'His ground-breaking, if commercially unpopular, series of instrumentals in 1960 ranging from the admittedly monotonous "A A A A" through to the seemingly adventurous "A B A B A D E A" in 1961, with practically every musical sequence in-between has been proven in court to represent musical sequences used in practically every subsequent song written,' said his lawyer in a statement today, admitting that the cumbersomely titled "A C D B B# B A F# Fb C A E E A A B" was difficult to hum, let alone plagiarise.'


The music industry, it has been alleged, were more than aware of Freckles' output, with industry experts pointing to Genesis' "Abacab" being a direct reference to possibly the only musical combination Freckles hadn't published. Freckles, 94, may not live to enjoy the award - currently being expressed in standard form to make it easier to write on a cheque - as a counter class action from the executors of Beethoven, Bach and Brahms has been launched, with class actions from executors of dead composers whose names don't begin with a B to follow.



First published 15 Mar 2022



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Ed Sheeran plays for jury, who then sentence him to death


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In what was supposed to be a dispute over copyright, Mr. Sheeran unwittingly provoked anger in the courtroom, by inflicting his music on others. One juror was seen to be bleeding from the ears, while others began self-harming.


Eye witnesses confirmed Mr. Sheeran had gone on a spree, killing one tune after another, with the same 'bloody guitar'. Showing how he composed, jurors likened it to a serial killer reinacting his crimes, but where the screaming is off key.


Police found his 'trophy room' with the grisly remains of Grammys and a half-eaten Elton John. On summation, the Judge said: 'For crimes against music, I sentence you to be hung by the guitar string until dead.'

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