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It’s that time of year again, when people from London and the Home Counties head north to the Edinburgh Cringe, to remind themselves how lucky they are that only the best of the performing arts ever make it to where they live. In an artistic equivalent of slumming it, they will experience the untreated sewage of the nation’s theatre, comedy and performance poetry before it’s filtered down to the 1% that’s actually any good. 


Highlights of this year's Cringe include:


1) A self-described “anarcho-syndicalist theatrical collective” consisting of students on the drama degree at De Montfort University, formerly Leicester Poly. Their piece is untitled and unconstrained by “traditional oppressive theatrical structures” such as a script or rehearsals, but basically makes the point that Donald Trump is a twat.


2) Edgy comedian Steve Basingstoke brings his unique postmodern, surrealist perspective and satirical eye to current events, concluding that Donald Trump is a twat.


3) Angry lesbian poet Jocasta Clunge recites Flow, her epic poem about how her menstrual blood could wash away the patriarchy. Oh, and Donald Trump is a twat.


These performances will take place in a variety of venues, many of which are used as store cupboards for the rest of the year but now have been given punning names in the hope visitors will confuse them with real venues. 


We managed to catch up with Simon and Emilia Lexus at Waverley Station as they headed back to Bath after an exhausting week of trying to see as much as possible.


”You always hope you’re going to see the next Fleabag before it becomes famous, a fact you can then bring up for the rest of your life whenever anyone mentions Fleabag,” said Simon grimly. “But no, just complete shit again.”


image by pixabay


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The Edinburgh Fringe is happening again, as we speak.  If you have a show there, then good luck and break a leg. Later this month the Fringe will announce its top ten jokes. 


In the spirit of friendly competition, we are offering up our own ‘Best jokes of Newsbiscuit’.   These have been selected by our own entirely biased and largely imaginary editorial committee, and culled from our Headlines.  We’d have stuck to ten, but counting isn’t our strongest suit.


The author credits are included in case anyone out there has a big contract that they need signing, but didn’t find what they wanted at the Fringe…


Best jokes of Newsbiscuit 2026*


Anaesthetist cancels dinner party as he has people coming round (Modelmaker)


Another bitterly disappointing Reading Festival, says librarian (dominic_mcg)


Are transparent urns the future? Remains to be seen (Doctor Chutney)


"Call The Midwife" film announcement premature, says BBC (dominic_mcg)


Drought latest: water companies to impose shower cap (deskpilot)


Druids "dreading" moving Stonehenge when clocks go back (apepper)


Girlfriend unimpressed with spa weekend at convenience store (deskpilot)


Grubby teenager misunderstands instruction to wash at 30 (deskpilot)


Knife incident at private school: pupil arrested after using the wrong one for fish (deskpilot)


Onanist stays in bed all day on Palm Sunday (Lockjaw)


Pope tested as neighbour buys devastatingly attractive ox (apepper)


Prince Harry: I'm looking forward to reading my new book (deskpilot)


Prisoner with premature-ejaculation qualifies for Early Release Scheme (jim skinz)


Samaritans not happy with Christmas Jumper day (deskpilot)


Strippers strike: no end in sight (deskpilot)




* probably..., so far....



Image credit: Newsbiscuit archives





In July, Edinburgh Prison set free over a hundred prisoners under the government's early release scheme.


Rather than making space for new prisoners, the Edinburgh scheme helps boost prison service finances. 'It's simple,' explained a Prison Service accountant and former embezzler. 'We can rent out cells in D wing to Edinburgh festival acts and make a mint. Accommodation in Edinburgh is so expensive that we can charge £300 a night for a cell, or £600 for single occupancy.'


Jerry Lafferty, not his real name, has a musical comedy act. He performs daily on The Royal Mile and hopes one day to perform in one of the venues. He told us that D wing is easily better than anywhere else that he's stayed during the Fringe.  'This place is secure, it has a curfew at 10.30pm so you can sleep without being disturbed, meals are at regular times, and it has an exercise yard. That's already better than most Airbnb's.  I do get teased a bit - my act is criminal, I have to lock the audience in, I've got a cell out show, etc. - but I don't mind. My colleagues are all sleeping on Waverley Station or in a van in the B&Q car park, so the joke's on them.'


Edinburgh prison is doing so well out of the scheme that it may be adopted more widely.  Shepton Mallet prison is quite handy for Glastonbury, Cheltenham prison could rent out cells during Gold Cup week, and Manchester prison could be used every Saturday for home games.



Image credit: perchance.org


Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.


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