Zahawi tells Cabinet ‘It’s your time you’re wasting’

With all the authority of a substitute teacher, Nadhim Zahawi is attempting to reduce cabinet absenteeism, denying their chants that they 'don't need no educayshun or thought control'.

A departmental spokesperson said: ‘Uber wealthy cabinet ministers miss out most, as they have too many foreign holidays and/or steamy affairs. There are numerous cabinet absences due to Covid too. Not when they have Covid or are self-isolating, but because of the sheer volume of dubious government contracts to sort out. All that sweet state moolah, plus struggling by on £80k/year doesn’t organise itself you know.’

Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to have responded to Zahawi's remarks by getting off his holiday lilo, getting out his trusty catapult and firing paper balls at the back of Zahawi's head. Johnson will also discreetly put a whoopee cushion on Zahawi's chair before carving 'Zahawi is a speccy square' into a desk.

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Williamson insists 'rumpy pumpy' must be in Latin

The Education Secretary has demanded that Latin be taught in all schools to describe all carnal acts and order from the wine menu. Coitus and cunnilingus will make a return to the curriculum, although for Eton they never left the entrance exam.

An Education spokesman explained: 'It's vitally important that school children learn the correct terminology for the sexual acts Ministers will one day be paying them to do. No matter how depraved, the Romans and Bullingdon club have a name for it'.

The three 'R's' will be replaced with their Latin equivalents - Reach Arounds, Rimming and Rhinoceros f$cking. Mr. Williamson insisted that traditional Romans vocab would break down social barriers and spice up the bedroom. His spokesman said: 'Veni, vidi, vici translated from the Latin means 'premature ejaculation'.'

Children as young as four using adverbs, report warns

Local councils are being asked to do more following a damning new survey that claims children as young as four are regularly using adverbs in general conversation.

And far from having no understanding of their meaning or grammatical usage, experts now fear that children have a pretty good understanding of when to use them.

"It's shocking really," one parent, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "You talk to them like a child for years, and then - bang - they're using words even you can't understand."

Some claim they are picking up this language from older siblings, or from playground chatter, others fear that the internet is responsible for this rapid growth in descriptive vocabulary. Concerned parents are advised to install an adverb-blocker in their web browser.

Sally, 28, with her five year old daughter Emily, repeated the frustrations of many. "My Emily is an Angel, but I really get upset when she starts using words that are really beyond her years. For example, the other day she started asking about what would happen to her pet rabbit Fluffy since the whole universe was decaying into an orderless state due to entropy."

"Mummy, don't be upset.", Emily chimes in, " - and it's 'disordered state', not orderless,"

"Fortunately, I have still not caught her using adverbs. ", Sally continues, " I'm very careful to make sure she doesn't pick up anything from me - I'd never knowingly use one in front of her."