Following an intense, dramatic and absolutely no-stone-unturned investigation in Downing Street, it has emerged that the Prime Minister’s elite high-level security vetting team simply believed everything Peter Mandelson told them, because he wore a nice suit. The inquiry was launched after Labour MPs raised concerns that the government’s vetting process appeared to involve asking candidates 'Are you dodgy?'
A senior investigator explained how the process unfolded.
'It started off by him telling us his name was Mendelssohn. One of the interns Googled that and found he was a German composer, so he quickly changed his tune and produced a Senior Railcard.'
On the railcard was a photograph of Nelson Mandela.
“He said yes, that was him – Nelson Mandelason. We felt that was plausible and ticked the box marked ‘Identity: Verified’.”
The team then questioned Mandelason about his alleged links to Jeffrey Epstein.
'He said he’d never heard of Epstein, but he was on very good terms with Einstein. He once stayed at Einstein’s house to discuss the theory of relativity.”
Despite Einstein having died in 1955, the claim was accepted.
'Mr Mandelason explained that time is relative,' said the investigator. 'Since Einstein invented time, that basically checks out.'
On the strength of this evidence, Mandelson was immediately approved as UK Ambassador to the USA and, for reasons still unclear, appointed Brand Leader for the M&S menswear department.
A government spokesperson defended the process, saying, 'We followed rigorous procedures, including writing things down in a very official notebook.'
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