Speaker investigates investigation into Speaker by Speaker

The House of Commons Speaker, Lindsey Hoyle, has declared that there can be no independent investigation into his illicit behaviour, because he has a note from his Mum. Mr.Hoyle went further to explain that there was nothing to see and even if there was, he was ill that day.

Having taken thousands in freebies and lobbyist kickbacks, he was quick to point out that it was all a coincidence, as he has always liked money. The fact that he had shut down votes on the instruction of a foreign government was nothing odd - he does it all the time. Blocking the release of evidence that might incriminate him, he laughed maniacally and boasted you'll never take me alive.

Donald Trump is said to be interested in retaining Mr.Hoyle as a defence lawyer. Prince Andrew is said to be furious that he did not think of it first.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Outlook better still be down on Monday fume office workers

'I was going to blame this outage for the fact I haven't done any work for most of the last 6 months.' said office worker Gary Grimthwaite, who loathes his job, both privately and publicly.

'I bet those dweebs will be in at the weekend fixing it too, so on Monday morning I'll be able to work as normal. I wonder how long I could claim it still isn't working for me. I reckon I could buy at least a day. There's a Bergerac double bill later.'

IT Manager Amy Armstrong said, 'It's a worldwide problem, so I can't do anything about it. Apart from claiming the overtime for supposedly working on a solution. And the credit for turning our servers off and on again.'

CEO Clementine Carruthers fumed, 'This just proves that working from home is morally wrong. The plebs should be in an office where I can secretly monitor them on CCTV from my yacht in international waters. What is Outlook anyway? I do all my communication on the Dark Web. Nothing dodgy.'

Carruthers' PA sighed, 'I changed the background colour of her laptop to black and told her it was the Dark Web. And she's definitely going to jail.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Police to be replaced by email autoresponder

In a new cost-cutting measure, it was announced today that the police service will be disbanded and replaced by an email autoresponder. 

'We’ve been paving the way for this for years,” said a spokesman today. “You report a burglary via a website, you get an email giving you a crime number, and then literally nothing else happens. By now, no one in their wildest dreams imagines a copper will actually come to their house to take a statement or dust for fingerprints, let alone that their property will ever be recovered.

'The email will include a link to Victim Support, though obviously it’ll be provided by AI rather than an actual person. You’ll be asked how much the crime has upset you on a scale of 1-10, then the system will respond with the appropriate level of transparently fake sympathy.'

However, some have objected that while this might be OK for trivial crimes like burglary and assault, it’s entirely inappropriate for serious crimes like sexist language and refusing to respect someone’s preferred pronouns.