National morale improves as ending work emails with 'happy to discuss' becomes criminal offence

'This government is all about fixing the small stuff,' said a Cabinet Office spokesperson. 'And not just because we can't afford to do anything that matters. Stopping people blasting music on public transport - tick. Forty-five quid a year off your two grand gas and electricity bill - tick. Saying we'll end rough sleeping based simply on vibes - that's a big ol' tick. Now we're improving workplaces by getting rid of phrases which leave you wondering if you're emailing with a colleague or Satan himself.'

Not everyone has welcomed this change, as HR expert Jen Gray explained in writing.  

'Happy Friday!

Hope this email finds you well. Just checking in about my opposition to the new law banning the word-combos which empower office rockstars to synergize effectively. As per my last email, I don't have the bandwidth right now to fully double-click on why the new law is a hindrance to delivering at pace. Let's take this offline. Happy to discuss. Good luck with your future endeavours.

Warmly,

Jen'

The law comes into effect at midnight, following an easy run through Parliament with only the reintroduction of the death penalty for hitting 'Forward' on previously received emails and just adding 'Thoughts?' causing debate. 

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Who isn't mentioned in the Epstein files/emails?

That sultry divorcee from number 23 is almost certainly in the files, as is Barry who works the till at Asda.  Obviously any politician you don't like is in there, probably the one you do like is too. Rock stars?  Probably, although ironically McCartney isn't.  Yet.

But are these people really in the files, or was Epstein just harvesting names and email addresses randomly?  Did he buy up email hacks from the dark web, the  not-so-dark web and the positively really dark web?

Is it really likely that the current President of the United States, a Republican, has given a former, Democrat, President a blowjob?  Or did Epstein get confused - about who got the BJ?

Anyway, Trump has an army of people trawling through the Epstein files removing his name and inserting someone else's instead.  That's your name, you know that, don't you?

In our next detailed report we'll discuss how conspiracy theories are started, and by who.

Who's the patron saint of cartoonists?