Cost of living crisis solved with one quick trip to Las Vegas

Under a new scheme, the Chancellor will invest the nation’s wealth on the Nevada craps tables. UK bill payers will be guaranteed a regular income from slot machines, provided the Chancellor remembers to wear his lucky pants.

The Treasury confirmed: ‘We’ve been criminally underfunding the NHS for decades, so what could be more appropriate than a game of Baccarat supervised by the Mafia. Those struggling to pay the rent will experience the adrenaline of holding twelve in Blackjack and the chance to see David Copperfield fly.

'Pensioners won’t have to worry about the winter fuel allowance, as they’ll be too busy trying to master Caribbean stud poker while suffering from the early onset of Alzheimer’s.’

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Government advice - save on your fuel bills by burning elderly, unwanted relatives

Experts have been weighing in with advice about how to save money, once you’ve submitted an April Fool’s Day meter reading to your energy company, hopefully with a straight face.

A statement from 11 Downing Street said ‘Close the windows of your other country homes and your city crash pad. As for the main estate, you could consider having Jenkins chop down a few of the trees in the lower forest to use as firewood. Perhaps reduce the thermostat temperature in the North Wing – after all no-one has lived there since “Mad” Aunt Henrietta and she’s a fully clothed skeleton in a rocking chair these days. Probably.’

‘We suggest you can burn your hopes, dreams, furniture and elderly relatives. So, lots of choices.’

'Rishi asked us to say he's just like Will Smith - again. To be fair he has just slapped you all in the face.'

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