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Tumble dryers wondering why they've been ostracized

Writer: Sarah Tipper
Sarah Tipper
Sep 3



Inactive tumble dryers are sitting wondering why they no longer get to accept big mouthfuls of damp washing and make them all toasty warm and dry for the humans they live with. Having been entrusted with making towels fluffy for years they are now witnessing the same towels being hung outside on a line with olden days wooden pegs, like some kind of how we used to live re-enactment project or being hung indoors, metres away from them, over an item of furniture called a clothes horse which is not very horsey.


Tumble dryer Roundy McSpinnerson thinks the humans might have forgotten they own him, which is what happened to the steam mop, the ice cream maker and the rice cooker which live on the shelf above. Roundy can see the smalls of the humans he lives with and some of them have gone saggy and a bit discoloured. He thinks this might be a metaphor for Brexit. All the socks are taunting him because he cannot take his one sock sacrifice now they dry lined up in pairs away from his gaping maw. His humans look a bit crumpled because he was good at removing creases from their garments but maybe they now want crunchy, creased clothes and inconvenience.


Roundy used to enjoy the tickling sensation of the fluff he’d created being removed from his innards. He hopes one day to have this attention again.


Photo by Ben Wicks on Unsplash



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First published 3 Sep 2022


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Crew of the Titanic right not to issue life saving equipment to drowning passengers

Writer: Ian Searle
Ian Searle
Aug 29, 2025



“We don’t want to give them hopes of surviving the icy cold conditions,'' said a spokesperson for The White Star Line. They went on to defended the wait for policy announcements, saying, "it was right that whoever got the top job, after the Captain locked himself in the wheelhouse, would want to look at all of the options, properly costed" when they take charge.


"They will do more - you don't have long to wait," Tom the Cabin Boy told BBC Radio Four's Today programme, while slipping into a low cut evening gown and announcing, "Women and children first!” through a loud hailer. "It is clear that this will be absolutely at the top of their in tray," he went on, as he snatched a cork Life Preserver from a passing child.


The Ship's Pursers added“The company has already said that any passengers who drown will get a full refund on their tickets. Providing they present them to the New York Office, in person, with proof of death. Third Class and Steerage passengers will also receive a free pencil.


"Second Class Passengers are also likely to need with keeping afloat, but they should try using thicker pyjamas to form makeshift lifebelts as they learned in school”, the Purser also explained. "All the lifeboats are taken up by First Class Passengers and company representatives, who will also benefit from any life saving equipment available". He said the company was exploring "all the options" to help those people.


Both Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak, one of whom will be announced as the next Captain on 5 September, have pledged further support, though neither has given details. Until that time they have busied themselves rearranging the deck chairs


Speaking via the Telegraph, the Radio Operator said “Dot dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot!!!|”


Photo by NOAA on Unsplash


First published 29 Aug 2022



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Cost of living crisis solved with one quick trip to Las Vegas

Writer: Wrenfoe
Wrenfoe
May 19, 2025


Under a new scheme, the Chancellor will invest the nation’s wealth on the Nevada craps tables. UK bill payers will be guaranteed a regular income from slot machines, provided the Chancellor remembers to wear his lucky pants.


The Treasury confirmed: ‘We’ve been criminally underfunding the NHS for decades, so what could be more appropriate than a game of Baccarat supervised by the Mafia. Those struggling to pay the rent will experience the adrenaline of holding twelve in Blackjack and the chance to see David Copperfield fly.


'Pensioners won’t have to worry about the winter fuel allowance, as they’ll be too busy trying to master Caribbean stud poker while suffering from the early onset of Alzheimer’s.’



First published 19 May 2022



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