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England fan admits the women's game is "the real thing"



After weeks of disappointedly saying "Oh, it's just birds" whenever he turned on the TV and saw the England women's team playing, football fan Dave Concrete has grudgingly admitted that the women's game might be the real thing after all.


This change of heart is thought to have come when he realised the England women's team were doing rather well, and were in fact more likely than their male counterparts to win a tournament anytime soon.


However, this newfound respect for the women's team doesn't seem to have translated into knowing anything about them, as Concrete remarked that he "really liked the blonde one with the ponytail... no not her, the other one... hang on, are we the ones in white?"


However, the female referees at the tournament have come in for criticism for their habit of giving out red cards and responding to player protests by turning away, arms folded, and saying "Well if you don't know what you did, I'm certainly not gonna tell you."


image from pixabay


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First published 28 Jul 2022


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Man who could “swear for England” fails to make the squad


Foul-mouthed lout, Jack the lad, and father of three, Colin Jefferson, of Tipton, has always prided himself in his ability to swear “at the drop of a f*cking hat”. His family are embarrassed by him and he is no longer allowed to visit his sister for fear her kids will repeat anything he might say.


He has been successfully swearing for his local pub, Sunday league team, and even at county level for many years and was recently spotted by England Scout, Gary Barnes, at a beer festival where he let loose an impressive tirade of abuse at a barman for not serving him after last orders.


Gary was so impressed with Jefferson's smooth coprolaliac skills that he invited Colin to England Trials at their new purpose built centre in Shitterton, to spend a few days training with the squad before they left for this year's Eurovision Swearing Contest in Cockermouth.


Sadly, Jefferson just didn't make the grade. The England team coach told us, “We were sorry to let Colin go. He has the skills to swear like a good'un but he lacks the consistency of a true professional. He telegraphs his C-bombs and very often will lose his composure and resort to just shouting the same swear over and over, while pointing an accusatory, sovereigned finger.”


A spokesperson for the Jefferson family told us he was “f*cking gutted.”


First published 5 Mar 2023



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Everybody has forgotten the England manager's name


Just five months after he was appointed as Gareth Whatshisname's successor, it seems nobody can remember the name of the new England football manager.


Fans all over the country are at a loss to name the bloke and not a single fan could pick him out from a line-up, if their life depended on it.


'I think he's called Brian, or Gary, or Terry, or something like that,' one fan told us.


'Have they sacked Venables, then?' another fan queried.


Newsbiscuit contacted the FA for clarification and their spokesperson told us they knew exactly who he was, he was the best and would win trophies, before hastily hanging up the phone.


Picture credit: Wix AI

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