Pulling hair, Chinese burns and Kiss Chase to be banned say FA

An FA disciplinary panel has said hair pulling, Chinese burns and Kiss Chase should not be tolerated and will be considered a bookable offence during the 2026-27 season

The panel stopped short of banning other childish games and pastimes but warned playground pursuits such as British Bulldogs and Hop Scotch could eventually be included to the list if they started creeping into the game..

A spokesman for the FA said that the pulling of hair was an ‘infringement’ and players needed to get a grip and show bit more style.

‘It is curtains for hair pulling’ said Jason Beesley ‘we can’t just comb over the incident like some pageboy pompadour. Players need to shape up before they blow out….hair pulling used to be on the fringes but this season there seems to have been an extension.

We dread locks of hair being pulled out and ending up as highlights on Match of the Day.

Players need to mullet over before they are caught bangs to right….

Obviously there are exceptions….any player caught pulling Cole Palmers hair will automatically receive a free pudding of their choice.

If he finds that hairstyle acceptable then we at the FA think pulling it is acceptable.

English FA accuse FIFA of anti-English bias

There were some very upsetting scenes tonight before England kicked off in a vital World Cup qualifying game against Albania at Wembley Stadium. Punches were thrown and insults exchanged as officials from the English FA clashed with representatives from football’s world governing body FIFA.

A row has been simmering since the World Cup qualifying draw put England in the same group as Andorra, Latvia and Albania. According to the FA, this clearly showed an anti English bias and accused FIFA of fiddling the draw by matching England against some of the giants of world football. Speaking after the trouble had quietened down, Harry Ramsden explained the English position.

According to Harry, FIFA have tried to downplay the strengths of Andorra, Latvia and Albania, suggesting that many of their players are only part time but what they slyly have omitted to say is that two of the Andorran team are postmen and 5 of the Albanian team are goat herders. As Harry said, how fit are those lads going to be, carrying mail bags every day, chasing Goats all over the hillsides, they will be fit as butchers dogs, it’s hardly a level playing field against our lads who can only spend every day in light training.

FIFA insist that it has done all it can to ensure England’s participation at the finals. Andorra with a population roughly the same as Cambridge and Latvia, known more for its Potato cakes and meatballs then football ,should encourage the English team to raise its game and fill Wembley stadium again. Everyone in world football enjoys hearing English fans singing their hearts out, Its coming home, its coming home, cheers and tears, we all love English football.

It’s the Eurovision Song contest all over again said another still angry FA Official, they just don’t like to see us win, these foreigners gang up on us. Don’t try and tell me that our Cliff shouldn’t have won Eurovision, it were a fix . Congratulations, one of the greatest songs ever written, beaten by some Spanish bint, do me a favour.

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