Environment | NewsBiscuit

COP26: A Delegate's Guide

Doctor Chutney
Nov 3

Morning Queues

What should have been a simple process of rocking up to the venue entrance, showing your credentials, and undergoing a brief security search before gaining admittance, has been made much trickier by United Nations officials deciding that when in Britain delegates should participate in that most British of activities, queueing. Attendees will therefore be stuck for hours, continually assessing the relative speed of the adjacent lanes.

Speeches

Lots of these. Lots and lots and lots of these. Mostly ‘very important people’ who have flown thousands of miles in fuel guzzling aircraft to say the same thing. To put it in an eco-friendly, sustainably grown nutshell, “Cut CO2 emissions, reduce carbon footprint, stop deforestation, reduce fossil fuels. Blah, blah blah. “Recordings of these speeches will be on sale anyway as they are just as effective as whale song for relaxation, cures for insomnia, or for Mums-to-be in birthing pools.

The Green Zone

A highly fortified area of central Baghdad, not usually renowned for hosting events, workshops, cultural performances, music and film, all focussing on climate action. Clearly designed to make the Iraqi delegates feel at home with the addition of a nightly fireworks display.

Informal Gatherings

A chance for attendees to make the right noises to other attendees, exchange pleasantries over an artisan croissant and fair-trade organic coffee, and basically expound upon their climate crisis credentials. Definitely one of the key motivations for being there, achieving that overall feeling of smug self-satisfaction.

The Delusional Lounge

A safe space for senior delegates and politicians to group together without social distancing and to become entirely inebriated while convincing themselves they have saved the planet by collectively flying three million air miles and running the hotel heating on full for the entirety of their stay, simply by pledging to do too little, too late and not really meaning it anyway The lounge is expected to be full every night.

Image: crystal710 | Pixabay

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First published 3 Nov 2021

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Protesters pour onto the streets

Titus
Oct 22

Thousands of coffee-drinkers protest over the 'don't pour it down a drain' law, by queuing up outside the operational headquarters of their local environmental protection enforcement officers, to pour coffee dregs down a drain.

Several thousand more protesters carried banners saying 'I support poring coffee down a drain, instead of into a bin.' The police rigorously arrested these people first, before turning their attention to the actual coffee-pourers.

Image credit: perchance.org

'We need to let Truss have a go and see how she does' agrees never in better shape environment

Steveb
Sep 9

The general consensus is that Prime Minister Liz Truss - stop giggling at the back - should be allowed the time and the latitude to see how she does. There is simply no way to tell how someone will do in a senior role by examining how badly they performed in more junior roles. That's not a thing.

Pilots are always allowed to take control of passenger jetliners having crashed both training prop planes and somehow broken the simulator. You never know, they might get their third landing right. Or at least have a PR team explain why the cabin is a bit flamey, and insist that screaming and dying is perfectly normal on any flight.

She has clearly proven herself at the Environment Office, because our brown and pleasant land has never been in better shape. And since her time at the Foreign Office, other countries have earned a new respect for Britain which has manifested in unprecedented levels of pointing and laughing.

The Crown Prosecution Service are not all on indefinite strike due to extreme under-funding, they're out to give a warm welcome to their brilliant former Justice Secretary. And it is only because of her magnificent work in both International Trade and as Chief Secretary to the Treasury that the national economy is healthy and everyone is so well-off.

Anyway, by far the best thing to do is to install a prime minister who her own MPs generally don't want, who isn't Conservative voters' top choice, who voted against the Brexit she's now all for, who started her political career with another party, and who follows the fashion of forgetting their own name. Isn't that right, Mary Truss?