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Environmental Control Officers issued with state-of-the-art equipment in tighter crackdown on litter


News today Environment Control Officers are to be issued with portable electron microscopes to examine high street pavements for subatomic traces of rubber and leather being shed from the shoes of pedestrians. Those whose footwear who falls foul of inspection will be charged with littering and can expect to see on the spot fines of a cool £300 for each shoe, boot or trainer.


Former abattoir slaughterman and struck-off bailiff from Reading, Baz Clampett, is now one such newly appointed officer and commented. 'This is vital work I'm doing here. Our towns and cities are awash with this kind of previously undetected, casually discarded rubbish, and I for one, am glad to be doing my bit to stamp it out.


'Of course I miss the the strongarm tactics of my old job, but the endless opportunity to apply hard-faced, heartless and uncaring pedantry is very rewarding. And as I get £25 commission for everyone I nab. I've only come on shift an hour ago and already earned myself £200. Happy days, innit?'


When it was put to Council Leader, Darius Rembrandt, the move was yet another attack on a public already being financially squeezed from all sides in the current economic climate, he denied it was taxation by stealth, commenting, 'I refute that accusation one hundred percent. You're talking total rubbish.'


image from google gemini

COP26: A Delegate's Guide



Morning Queues


What should have been a simple process of rocking up to the venue entrance, showing your credentials, and undergoing a brief security search before gaining admittance, has been made much trickier by United Nations officials deciding that when in Britain delegates should participate in that most British of activities, queueing. Attendees will therefore be stuck for hours, continually assessing the relative speed of the adjacent lanes.


Speeches


Lots of these. Lots and lots and lots of these. Mostly ‘very important people’ who have flown thousands of miles in fuel guzzling aircraft to say the same thing. To put it in an eco-friendly, sustainably grown nutshell, “Cut CO2 emissions, reduce carbon footprint, stop deforestation, reduce fossil fuels. Blah, blah blah. “Recordings of these speeches will be on sale anyway as they are just as effective as whale song for relaxation, cures for insomnia, or for Mums-to-be in birthing pools.


The Green Zone


A highly fortified area of central Baghdad, not usually renowned for hosting events, workshops, cultural performances, music and film, all focussing on climate action. Clearly designed to make the Iraqi delegates feel at home with the addition of a nightly fireworks display.


Informal Gatherings


A chance for attendees to make the right noises to other attendees, exchange pleasantries over an artisan croissant and fair-trade organic coffee, and basically expound upon their climate crisis credentials. Definitely one of the key motivations for being there, achieving that overall feeling of smug self-satisfaction.


The Delusional Lounge


A safe space for senior delegates and politicians to group together without social distancing and to become entirely inebriated while convincing themselves they have saved the planet by collectively flying three million air miles and running the hotel heating on full for the entirety of their stay, simply by pledging to do too little, too late and not really meaning it anyway The lounge is expected to be full every night.





First published 3 Nov 2021


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Protesters pour onto the streets


Thousands of coffee-drinkers protest over the 'don't pour it down a drain' law, by queuing up outside the operational headquarters of their local environmental protection enforcement officers, to pour coffee dregs down a drain.


Several thousand more protesters carried banners saying 'I support poring coffee down a drain, instead of into a bin.' The police rigorously arrested these people first, before turning their attention to the actual coffee-pourers.



Image credit: perchance.org

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