Water companies urge people to piss more frequently so they can have their water back

With hosepipe bans coming into force to conserve water stocks in drought areas, water companies have been in the news reminding people that paying their water bills doesn't give them the right own the water. In times of drought, water companies will fail to make a profit if they don't have water to loan, so they are asking people to piss more frequently, to return the water companies' water back to them, before they run out and their shareholders kick up a fuss over reduced dividends.

The companies are currently considering a proposal to introduce chemicals into the water supply which will have the effect of date stamping the water they loan in a similar way that library books were stamped and enable water companies to fine customers for late returns.

Image: Pixabay/lhennen

Inconceivable

UN breaks Guinness World Record for environmental pledges abandoned

In what is seen as ‘super quick time’, the industrial nations of the world have abandoned their climate commitments quicker than a Boris Johnson marriage. Even before the last COP26 nut-roast had been discarded, the UK has already committed to generating 60% of its electricity by burning effigies of Greta Thunberg.

After the conference there was an audible sonic boom, which initially was thought to be all the private jets leaving; but was in fact the pledges being broken at 800 miles per hour. What followed next, was a form of collective amnesia, where the delegates pretended that global warming was just God’s way of getting us to wear more bikinis. Said one delegate: ‘The environment, what’s that?’

Plans are already in place to abandon COP27 pledges, with the strap line ‘Burn, baby, burn!’ Asked if they planned to keep any of their promises, they promised: ‘Only the meaningless ones’.

image from pixabay

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