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Turnips to form political party


Following comments from the Environment Secretary that eating turnips could be a suitable alternative to other vegetables, the root vegetable is to form a political party.


It's spokesperson, Timothy Turnip said that he felt 'he and his fellow turnips would be a far better alternative to both Coffey and her party.'


'The reality is that we, the humble turnip, not only provide more benefit to the British people than the current government, we also have a lot more integrity as well.'


Story: urbanhermit



First published 27 Feb 2023


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Council plans annual black bin collections


West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire.


Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks.  But the savings did not stack up.  To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st.


‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ said the Member for Environment and Planning, Ophelia Payne.  ‘All households can do better at recycling and this will reduce the need for people to send waste to landfill.  We know that nobody can properly separate the cardboard and the plastic from sandwich boxes, but we are asking everyone to try harder.


‘Landfill waste will not smell if householders ensure that food waste is handled correctly.  Vacuum cleaner dust does not fly around if you bag it properly.  And most modern mattresses can be successfully composted at home.


‘If anyone thinks that they can’t manage on an annual collection, then we recommend storing landfill waste in a pit in your garden.  If you manage this correctly, then it will be easy to dig up and put it out for the annual collection – although we must point out that the size of the landfill waste bin will remain at 10 litres.  It’s a small sacrifice, and it’s one that the planet will thank you for.


West Moorland District Council’s council tax charge is expected to rise by 17% for 2026/27.  This is mainly due to losses on investments, interest charges, and councillors’ expenses.


image from pixabay


Environmental Control Officers issued with state-of-the-art equipment in tighter crackdown on litter


News today Environment Control Officers are to be issued with portable electron microscopes to examine high street pavements for subatomic traces of rubber and leather being shed from the shoes of pedestrians. Those whose footwear who falls foul of inspection will be charged with littering and can expect to see on the spot fines of a cool £300 for each shoe, boot or trainer.


Former abattoir slaughterman and struck-off bailiff from Reading, Baz Clampett, is now one such newly appointed officer and commented. 'This is vital work I'm doing here. Our towns and cities are awash with this kind of previously undetected, casually discarded rubbish, and I for one, am glad to be doing my bit to stamp it out.


'Of course I miss the the strongarm tactics of my old job, but the endless opportunity to apply hard-faced, heartless and uncaring pedantry is very rewarding. And as I get £25 commission for everyone I nab. I've only come on shift an hour ago and already earned myself £200. Happy days, innit?'


When it was put to Council Leader, Darius Rembrandt, the move was yet another attack on a public already being financially squeezed from all sides in the current economic climate, he denied it was taxation by stealth, commenting, 'I refute that accusation one hundred percent. You're talking total rubbish.'


image from google gemini

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