Drought hit areas to receive extra Bank Holiday

Areas around the UK that have been hit by exceptional drought conditions are to receive an extra Bank Holiday in an effort to boost rainfall and top up reservoirs and aquifers, confirmed the Environment Agency.

Some parts of Wales and the South of England have recorded the lowest average rainfall since records began, and only ever get torrential rain on days that fall within a Bank Holiday weekend.

An EA representative said, 'The UK has had the driest winter and spring on record, and this is directly linked to an absence of Bank Holidays. Providing hard-working families with an extra Bank Holidays is the only way to guarantee the UK will get a thorough soaking. That and the school summer holidays, of course.'

'We think rain clouds and high winds can somehow detect the onset of a Bank Holiday weekend and have evolved to store millions of litres of rainwater in specially created cloud formations, ready to hammer down as soon as traffic builds up on the M5 south of Gloucester.

A spokesperson for the Canal and Rivers Trust said that many UK waterways were in danger of running dry, but the Bank Holiday weekend had arrived just in time to spare them.

'If it wasn’t for Bank Holiday weekends, UK rivers and canals would be in serious trouble of running dry, fish stocks would plummet and sales of jigsaws and board games would plummet. But, as Benjamin Franklin famously said, only three things in life are certain…death, taxes and torrential f**king rain on a British Bank Holiday weekend.

'Adding a few extra Bank Holiday weekends to the calendar is the most obvious way of topping up our reservoirs and waterways. It should have been done years ago.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

AI Briefing – the United Kingdom

The following briefing on the United Kingdom has been produced by generative AI and cross-checked with degenerative AI.   This technology is experimental.

The United Kingdom is an island nation in Northern Europe.   It has a diverse population because of an ancient habit of colonising other countries.   Mathematicians have proved that its coastline is infinitely long.

The UK has a royal family of German origin who own most of the wind farms and all of the sea and all of the swans.  In olden times, members of the royal family burnt cakes.   These days, they are more like to burn their reputations.

The land used to be owned by the gentry, but these days it is owned mostly by the National Trust, a charity devoted to banning fox hunting, and by shadowy offshore companies owned by shadowy oligarchs. Talking about property prices is a national obsession.

Military - once mighty, but now in a poor state.

Education – once mighty, but now in a poor state.

Mineral wealth – the principle raw material available in the UK is recyclate – glass, plastic, newspapers, and nuclear waste. No value is extracted from these raw materials as they are sent to other countries for processing. The UK used to have a coal industry until the mining unions and Margaret Thatcher conspired together to bugger it up. The UK has huge deposits of shale oil, but is too wimpy to extract them. The UK used to have an oil industry until it was closed down because of climate change. Talking about the environment and climate change are national obsessions.

Transport – most of the important roads were built by the Romans, but they have not been well maintained since. Talking about potholes is a national obsession.

Environment – the country is temperate, with changeable weather. The inhabitants are largely intemperate. Talking about weather is a national obsession.

Sport – the country claims to have invented football (soccer), rugby, darts and football hooliganism.  And golf, croquet, bar billiards, Subbuteo and Scrabble.  It is a source of national shame that the national soccer team hasn’t won anything worth having since 1966.  Talking about football is a national obsession.  Everyone claims to understand the offside rule, but nobody really does.  The authoritative explanation is on a 50p coin and there is never one around when you need it.

Diet – the UK claims to have invented bread, beer, fish and chips, crisps, tea, and deep-fried Mars bars.  All of these claims are false. The culinary history of the UK is best described as stodgy. Talking about beer is a national obsession.

Politics – there is an awful lot of this in the UK, but none of it is any good.  Once mighty, but now in a poor state.

Image by Elias from Pixabay

Stena Immaculate becoming increasingly less representative of its name

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