Empty lectern made new British Prime Minister

Britain and the Conservative party have a new leader today, after it was revealed that the empty lectern in Luxembourg was taking over the Brexit negotiations and the future direction of the United Kingdom.

'We felt it was more reliable, better informed and less likely to embarrass us than Boris Johnson' said a Conservative party insider. 'Plus it hasn't got as many women pregnant'. The empty lectern was welcomed to its new role by the Prime Minister of Luxembourg who said it was the most well-informed and articulate British leader he could remember. The lectern met with the Queen before returning to Westminster for a Cabinet meeting.

However the famous Downing Street lectern has vigorously objected to 'this new foreign lectern moving in', and now the Conservative party is splitting over the issue of British or European lecterns. 'There is only one way to resolve this' said one Cabinet insider, 'we are going to have a referendum.'

Johnson announces Garden Bridge to cross rift with EU

The Prime-minister has resurrected plans for a Garden Bridge.

Mr Johnson explained the plan; "Not building the bridge in London has cost the tax payer £43M, I think we can do better than that. Did you know you could walk from the UK to the EU in Ireland? I didn't. But we can take advantage of that by moving the bridge to connect to the EU because there's simply a line in the road in Northern Ireland that the bridge has to cross."

Great Britain signs free trade deal with Northern Ireland

After a gruelling two months of negotiating with himself, UK Trade Minister Sir David Frost emerged to announce that Great Britain had signed its first-ever free trade agreement with Northern Ireland.

He hailed the deal as a ‘historic first that will keep goods flowing smoothly between the two territories’.

In a rare joint communique, Republican and Loyalist paramilitary leaders said, ‘Bugger! Now we'll have to go back to our day jobs’.

‘I proved a tough opponent,’ Frost continued. ‘At one stage, I was prepared to walk away, but in the end, a solution emerged that was acceptable to both parties’.

He reminded his audience that Great Britain had left the European Union ‘completely and utterly,’ so it would no longer be following European product standards. ‘Henceforth,’ he said, ‘Great Britain will align its product standards with those of Northern Ireland. This is only natural as they too are part of the UK’.

‘Northern Ireland is, of course, self-governing’, he continued, ‘so where they get their product standards from is entirely up to them’.