Britain and the Conservative party have a new leader today, after it was revealed that the empty lectern in Luxembourg was taking over the Brexit negotiations and the future direction of the United Kingdom.
'We felt it was more reliable, better informed and less likely to embarrass us than Boris Johnson' said a Conservative party insider. 'Plus it hasn't got as many women pregnant'. The empty lectern was welcomed to its new role by the Prime Minister of Luxembourg who said it was the most well-informed and articulate British leader he could remember. The lectern met with the Queen before returning to Westminster for a Cabinet meeting.
However the famous Downing Street lectern has vigorously objected to 'this new foreign lectern moving in', and now the Conservative party is splitting over the issue of British or European lecterns. 'There is only one way to resolve this' said one Cabinet insider, 'we are going to have a referendum.'