MPs to write next Eurovision song

An all party committee of MPs have decided that the only way for the UK to stand a chance at the next Eurovision Song Contest is to enact legislation after debating it in both houses.

'We're working on the lyrics,' said a Labour spokesman, adding, 'and Reform are working on the chorus - it goes "boring, boring, boring" apparently,' he said.

The Greens are proposing flutes to feature in the music and the Lib Dems are working on a spectacular stunt for visual impact. 'We've got previous on that,' said a Lib Dem representative.

The Conservatives are going to sulk in harmony.

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Canada to become associate member of Eurovision

Negotiations that would allow Canada to join Australia in a European singing competition have slowed, with concerns growing that Canada might alternate between Celine Dion and Justin Bieber on a never ending loop.

One European negotiator spoke on the condition of anonymity 'Near... far... wherever you are. Oh God, it's happening already. I think if the US ever invades Canada, they could just play that song on a loop until the American troops begin weeping and voluntarily leave.'

'If you combined that with some weaponised glitter canons, the Canadians could use 'My Heart will go on' as an offensive weapon, clearing a path to the White House before Mark Carney pushes Donald Trump off a door into the icy waters of the North Atlantic.'

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Daily Mail blames Corbyn for Eurovision failure

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