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Heathrow third runway is part of M25


Heathrow’s much discussed third runway has been given the green light and will see it sharing space with the M25. Long haul flights to the far East will now merge with motorway traffic to Hounslow and Feltham. Airplanes will have to keep two chevrons apart and the hard shoulder will be used to indicate the position of the wing tips.


The plans, passed by a narrow majority in a free vote in the House of Commons this week, have been variously described as ‘insane’ and ‘inspired’. Put together by a consortium that includes Heathrow’s owners Heathrow Airport Holdings Limited; Moto Services; and the AA and RAC, the plans include specially adapted service stations with a Fly-Thru facility and air pressure machines with extra-long cables to reach the high access points on 747s and 380s


Controversially, the consortium has also been working with Google on a fleet of pilotless airplanes, dubbed UnEasyJet.


A spokesman for the Heathrow consortium said: “We are delighted that our proposal has been accepted. This is the way forward for the airport as it comes to grips with the needs of 21st century travel. Now, at this time, we ask you to please make sure your seatbelt is securely fastened, your seat is in the upright position, and your tray table is stowed. Thank you for choosing Heathrow expansion and we wish you a pleasant flight.”






£1.8bn for Digital ID but think of the clubcard points!


The general public are outraged by the profligacy, but no one can turn their nose up at cheap tickets to Alton Towers. A Minister said: "Yes its a dystopian authoritative overreach, but on the upside you'll get 5% off Tesco brand trainers."


£1.8bn on a loyalty card is a bargain when you think of the things we could wasted it on- like ending homelessness. Instead we'll get a shiny bit of plastic, every bit as valuable as your Blockbuster card.


"No one wants a Digital ID and the end of freedom but f$ck it, 50% off at Hungry Horse pubs- think of that! I'd sell my kids to Palantir if it meant a discounted family day out - which kind of defeats the point, but so what. My liberty is nothing compared to marginally less expensive RAC breakdown cover."









Broad-shouldered community condemns Budget tax rises


People with broad shoulders across the UK has expressed outrage at Rachel Reeves budget yesterday, claiming they are unfairly being expected to carry the brunt of tax rises on their admittedly impressive deltoids. 


'The Chancellor says those with the broadest shoulders should bear the biggest burden of tax rises', noted Mick (22-inch shoulder width) towelling himself down during a 30 minute weightlifting workout at the Muscle and Bustle gym in Croydon. 'I'm now facing punitive marginal tax rates of 70% and what..I'm just expected to take it on my granite chin?' 


Over 500 mesomorphs, including Daniel Craig, Ben Shepherd, Thor, Hercules, Wreck-it-Ralph, every Gladiator from the TV show,  and the family of Geoff Capes have signed a letter published in the Guardian today, complaining about overt discrimination in the measures announced in the budget.


'We are just your average bodybuilders, firefighters, A-list male action movie actors, front-row rugby players, or Olympic swimmers', said the sultry, muscular male model from the 1980s black and white Athena poster where he is holding a baby with no top on.


'Our worry is that this is just the thin end of the wedge. Who's going to be the losers in Reeves next budget - the barrel-chested? Strapping hulks? Bullnecks? Or anyone who's a bit stocky or thick-set? 


In contrast, narrow shouldered ectomorphs have welcomed the measures. Michael McBride, 19, with a shoulder width of just 14 inches said timidly it was good to get some benefit from the budget, and it would certainly ease the pain of years of relentless bullying he'd experienced for many years at school as he emerged from chess club at the end of lunch break.




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