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It will, eventually, all be the fault of Reform


The labour party has been so busy blaming the nasty wicked evil Tories for everything it hasn't been able to fix, that it hasn't noticed that the Tories are no longer any kind of electoral threat.


'Perhaps we need to accept that the rotten, wretched Reform party is a greater threat' said a spokessomethingorother-close-to-the-Labour party.  'And realise that if we lose to them in the next election, we might have to put up with them for a while.  But we will then have to decide whether we will still be "not-the-Tory party", or will have to change our entire electoral strategy and become "not-the-Reform party", and blame the rotten-wretched-Reform party for everything which will have gone wrong, instead of continuing, for ever, to attribute the blame for absolutely everything entirely to the nasty-wicked-evil-Tory party.'


'Are we capable of re-orientating our entire political philosophy so fundamentally?  As usual, as is our tradition, we don't know / aren't sure / haven't made up our minds - so no change there.  And anyway, we  can always change our minds again afterwards, if we ever do make a decision.'




Budget 2025: Your questions answered


Q: I'm hearing a lot about "fiscal drag" in this budget. Will Ru Paul be presenting it? (Cecil from Penge)


A: Naturally.


Q: This tax hike on betting is diabolical, isn't it? (Gary from Aintree)


A: We agree, raising the tax rate on sports betting from 15% to 25% means that when you chuck all your money away, you won't be enriching the deserving bookie so much. You'll be wasting a quarter of your dosh on funding schools and hospitals.


Q: My budget is moulting, and it won't play with its mirror or its bell. (Doris from Braintree)


A: I'm sorry to hear that. Take your budget to the vets first thing in the morning.


Q: Kemi Badenoch called this "the most chaotic budget ever". Is she right? (Keir from Westminster)


A: Objectively speaking, of course it was. But one shouldn't be too harsh on Rachel Reeves. You have no idea how difficult it is to prepare Britain's budget when you haven't a clue what you are doing.




A budget powered by revenge


A close associate of the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has revealed the underlying logic behind the November budget, which increases the tax take by £26billion.


‘It’s all about revenge,’ said the source. ‘The Tories handed the government a massive black hole, unfunded commitments, and an economy in really bad shape. As far as Rachel is concerned, it’s payback time.’


‘She’s working on the basis that Labour will lose the next election. Probably to Reform or some other populist nationalist nihilist coalition. So she’s showing her core labour values now by spending big on the minimum wage and on benefits, but she won’t actually raise the money to pay for it until shortly before the next election. And she’s raising the money from the well-off, which will also please the red wall. Let’s hope those buggers don’t skip the country before the tax rises kick in.


‘So, whoever wins the next election will be presented with a total budget nightmare, with taxes rising across the board and the benefits that it funded long forgotten. This is Rachel’s revenge for the mess that she was handed.  She has copied the tactics used by the Tories in the run-up to the 2024 election. The Tories won’t win in 2029.  They are so far down the toilet that they’re practically on the beach. So some other deserving party will have to step up.  Your Party, perhaps?  That’s sarcasm, by the way.


‘Rachel’s nightmare, of course, is the risk of re-election in 2029. But she’s got plenty more budgets to come, so she can do her best to wreck any chances of re-election. And she’ll be able to ramp up the pain for her successors by continuing to help the low paid and continuing to defer the bills until later. Revenge is a dish best served cold.'




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