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Huge boost for solar energy as clocks kept 1 hour forward all year

'Wot you mean, that doesn't actually create any more daylight? So wot's the point, then? If you want more daylight during the time of day while you're awake and out and about, why not just get up earlier during the summer, instead of just pissing about with the clocks, trying to fool yourself?'


Man subsequently arrested for being a shit-stirring troublemaker, and imprisoned along with the small boy who dared to criticise the styling of the emperor's superb new clothes, as well as the Chancellor who claimed that debt isn't debt and broken election promises aren't broken election promises if you cross your fingers while announcing a budget.




Chickens denounce Bezos over endorsement debacle

A spokesbird for the American Chicken Alliance has excoriated Washington Post owner Jeff Bezos’ ‘pathetic cowardice’ for his decision, apparently under pressure from Donald Trump, to spike the paper’s endorsement of Kamala Harris for president. ‘Comical cravenness is our brand, not yours!’ clucked Henny Penny on her weekly podcast. ‘Stay in your lane, Bezos!’


Penny’s statement came as no surprise to Alfred Newman, Professor of Poultry Politics at King’s College, London. ‘Chickens are very conscious of having cornered the market on groundless panic,’ Newman said. ‘In their view, Bezos’ hysterical fright is kind of like trademark infringement.’


More puzzling is why Bezos, owner of Amazon, caved in the first place. ‘Christ, he could lose $7 billion in his couch and not miss it,’ Penny clucked. ‘If he’s not going to stand up to that big orange man-turd, who the hell will?’


Consistent with its recent practice, the American Chicken Alliance has not officially endorsed a presidential candidate, but Trump’s ravenous appetite for chicken nuggets is well known in the community. The organization has set up ‘Eet mor Bief’ booths at Harris campaign events, but the initiative has yet to take flight with the public.




Heathrow to offer premium romantic goodbyes

Following the limiting of hugging in their drop-off area to three minutes by New Zealand's Dunedin Airport, Heathrow Airport have announced plans to offer a Premium Goodbye package where - for an extra fee - you can receive your romantic platitudes and hugs at the terminal building from someone more attractive.


Speaking at the new Etihad-sponsored Bon Voyage Suite, Heathrow's head of Ground Experience Dewey Chargem was proud of the innovation, telling assembled journalists, "The airport goodbye is never easy, from ensuring they've got their passport, to telling them how much they'll be missed, a windy piece of tarmac outside the terminal is far from ideal," before showing them the contents of the room. "In here we've got breath mints, adjustable climate to go from moonlit gazes to kisses in the rain, we've got Chris De Burgh singing Lady In Red - even though we've asked him six times to leave, and - most importantly - we can offer hugs with someone significantly more attractive than your better half to those willing to pay for the diamond package."


People checking-in for flights had mixed opinions on the idea. "I get the tube to Heathrow," one passenger remarked, "so I've had quite enough physical contact by the time I get here. It's got so bad I've even stopped leaving change in my pockets to ensure I get patted down at security." Another, about to head to Thailand, was more positive, saying, "I'm flying business class, so I got the VIP goodbye in with the ticket. My husband wasn't exactly pleased when they brought out what I can only describe as a six-foot Adonis, but as I pointed out to him, he'll just have to cope as, unlike his last Business Trip, I won't be coming back from this trip with Chlamydia."




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