Sunak: 'With any luck I'll be in California for the 4th July fireworks'

Rishi Sunak has allegedly unveiled his master disaster plan to some aides, including Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst who confided 'Using his background in finance Rishi has essentially put a giant negative spread bet on the number of seats the Tories might win. So the worse it is, the better.

'Rishi will unleash a string of truly, wildly idiotic policies and promises, mostly from the drawers marked 'break glass in case of culture wars' and 'rejected Rees-Mogg erotic fantasies'. Weirdly, compulsory military uniform for 18 year old boys was in both. Anyway, the idea is for the Tories to be so far behind by general election day, Rishi won't need to hang around. He can take his jet to his California mansion, surrounded by piles of cash and enjoy the 4th July fireworks, independent from being PM.'

Image by Nick from Pixabay

Half a mannequin, two ducks, and a peg: 190 candidates short, Tory vetting gets desperate

Announcing a General Election, you'd think a government might have planned to have enough Generals in place. Not this one. With just a couple of weeks until the application deadline, the Conservatives are 190 candidates short in constituencies all over the UK.

In a last minute mad panic, vetting of candidates has slipped to a new low. One seat in Surrey Heath will literally be challenged by a seat. And not even a good one like a Recaro, just a rusty-legged, wonky, battered, old plastic village hall seat. With distasteful staining on it so grim, not even a mangy pigeon with diarrhoea would perch on it.

Another candidate in the Home Counties will be a clothes peg, and a broken compass with a constant spinning needle will be the Conservative choice in South Northamptonshire.

Not just one, but two ducks will challenge a flock of 100 feral chickens currently running the Norfolk village of Snettisham. And some dangerous air turbulence has been put forward as a candidate in the West Midlands. The main thinking being that at least it is grabbing some news headlines at the moment and voters might have heard of it.

One London borough will have the choice of half a contorted mannequin as their Tory MP. Intrigued, some voters are asking 'which half?'

And a bag of hangers will contest the Hartlepool election, but is still expected to win, given local appetite for bringing back the death penalty.

In perhaps the worst case of candidate vetting, residents in Somerset will be presented with the option of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Picture credit: Wix AI

From the Newsbiscuit archives: the 1960s and '70s

1962: Thaw in East-West relations as Kennedy and Khrushchev bond over amazing 'Cuban Missile Armageddon' video game.

1966: Referee Neville Chamberlain disallows Geoff Hurst goal against Germany for sake of 'peace in our time'.

1966: Colour television introduced. Couch potatoes discover existence of red, green, blue.

1967: Six-Day War. Israeli soldiers go on strike for five-day wars.

1967: Summer of love and drugs. Mary Whitehouse warns latest Cliff Richard song 'written under influence of Nurofen'.

1969: Festival of Drugs, Mud and STDs a surprise success when rebranded as 'Woodstock'.

1969: 'One giant f*ckup for mankind', says Neil Armstrong as he lands on Mars by mistake.

1973: Queues of panicking customers form outside sex shops as baby-oil crisis kicks in.

1973: 'Britannia caduca est!' wails four-year-old Jacob Rees-Mogg on hearing Britain has joined EEC.

1977: King of Rock and Roll hires 300-pound Elvis impersonator to die and be buried in his place.

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay