Met to co-opt clerics to CID

With the Metropolitan Police struggling to win over the hearts and minds of the public, let alone solve slam-dunk cases, they have decided to take a leaf out of regional police force methods and co-opt clerics to assist CID detectives.

'We're aware that some less populated areas have had considerable success by allowing Catholic Priests and C of E Vicars assist in murder enquiries,' said a Met spokesman today.  'Indeed, if my research is correct, the clerics seem to find the important piece of incriminating evidence in most cases, despite zero forensic or investigative training,' he added.

He noted there were no known examples of Imams or Sikh scripture readers assisting the police, then qualified that by adding 'in an investigative role, anyway,' but said the Met were open to considering them. Especially if the BBC were to produce any more hard hitting documentaries like the ones he had seen based in the criminal hotbeds of Kembleford and the inner city rough area called Grantchester.

'You can see how effective the clerics are if you use iPlayer on catch-up, possibly on Dave,' he said. 

Unfortunately the spokesman wasn't available for follow-up interview questions due to disappearing shortly after a meeting in his Chief Superintendents' office.  Two nuns and a recently defrocked priest are helping the Met to get to the bottom of the mystery, and the full investigation is expected to be shown on ITV3 later this year.

Image credit: perchance.org

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town.

‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting.  I never thought that my collection would grow to be of international significance.’

Parish councillor Bernard Dredge says that the rubber band collection has put the town on the map.  But not in a good way.  According to him ‘International significance’ is definitely stretching it.

‘I find rubber bands every day,’ said Colin.  ‘They are usually on the pavement, sometimes in the gutter and sometimes on driveways. They are never in the same place twice, so I have to be on the lookout all the time, to make sure that I don’t miss any.  Some people think it’s unhygienic to pick them up, but I disinfect them in a dustbin before adding them to my collection, so that they don’t smell.’  The collection now fills six rooms in Colin’s parent’s house, a double garage and the shed. ‘I’ve sorted them by size,’ says Colin, animatedly.  'I'm saving up to start a museum, to show them off properly.'

Colin does not know where the rubber bands come from, but there are always more each day, except on Sundays and Bank Holidays.  ‘They might be brought here by birds, who think they are worms.  But then they drop them because they are too chewy.  Or they might be pinged out of the windows of passing cars.  Or perhaps there is a rubber-clad rubber band fairy who brings them?  Nobody knows.  It’s a mystery.’

Colin is 58.

A spokesman for the Royal Mail was unavailable for comment.

Image credit: perchance.org

Trump's rotten center to close for renovations

The dark, foul pit right at the centre of Donald Trump's being will be closed over the coming week for an upgrade, according to the US federal administration.

'Trump's soul, if you can call it that, has been almost totally twisted and tarnished by decades of scheming, self-dealing and skulduggery in his business and political lives,' one of his White House handlers told the press, and some priests trying to conduct to an exorcism.

'But however depraved he has become in his mind and spirit, his followers expect better. That's why we'll be closing Trump's demented psyche down for a week for refurbishment, while his body lies comatose in an open coffin.

'When he arises from the dead at night, he will be even more outrageously venal, vengeful and vulgar than ever before.

'In the meantime, you'll have to be content with the almost equally obnoxious words and behaviour of JD Vance and Robert 'Disgrace to his Family Name' Kennedy.

'And can somebody get those priests out of here! They'll ruin everything!'

Image credit: perchance.org