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NewsBiscuit: Best of December 2024


December 2024


In December 2024 everything happened to a backing track of Christmas carols, making them seem ever-so-slightly less awful. In the UK, there was another Andrew-formerly-known-as-Prince controversy. This one was about his links with a Chinese spy. But can you list all the Andrew controversies since then? Thought not. The government offered health workers a measly pay increase, compensated LGBT service personnel, but decided (at the time) not to compensate the Waspi women. Planning any more U-turns, Keir? The prison service scandal of the day was about prisoners on early release being mistakenly released too early. How times have changed. And the UK economy continued to stutter. Re...re...re…cession? How times have changed.


In the New Year’s honours list, Sadiq Khan was recognised for services to congestion, and Gareth Southgate got a knighthood for trying really, really hard at the footie, and for always wearing a suit.


In entertainment news, Greg Wallace was deemed too unsavoury for cooking shows, and the BBC went on far too much about the Gavin & Stacey Christmas special.


After overdosing on the US presidential election for all of 2024, the media decided not to report any news from America this month.


Here is a selection of the top Newsbiscuit stories from December 2024, selected by popular vote. Thanks to the three people who voted… Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


Politics


Stories about Christmas, and Prince Charmless


Sport and Entertainment


Other news


And here are the Headlines...


Politics

Labour brings in Tory cuts

Labour government makes absolute commitment to reduce immigration 'to some extent'

Compo results: LGBT veterans £70k - Waspi women £nil

Waspi women retire hurt

'So Nigel Farage. What first attracted you to the billionaire Elon Musk?'


Entertainment

BBC expected to dial down the Gavin & Stacey stories in February

BBC refuses to comment on 'culture of silence'

Wallace led me around on all fours, says Gromit

Masterchef to remain on air with Wallace's head replaced by deepfake potato


Andrew M-W

Prince Andrew sweating now

Andrew can't even send out for a Chinese now


Organisations

Samaritans not happy with Christmas Jumper day

Quitters Anonymous disband during first meeting

Weight Watchers: still big in UK


And finally...

A single cigarette takes £1.30 off your life, say scientists

Single man with bad handwriting is UK's most illegible bachelor

Ruthless bounty hunter tears sweet shop apart

The last two candidates to illustrate auction catalogue have to draw lots

A woman took time off work to have a Brazilian butt lift. Now she’s all behind



Image credit: deep dream generator

Who’s in charge now? The current US order of presidential succession



This handy guide will help you to work out Who's in charge now? It explains the current order of presidential order of succession, if something were to happen:


• Vice President – Easily manipulated Tech Bro Yes man

• Speaker of the House - Easily manipulated religious weirdo

• President Pro Tempore of the Senate – A 92-year-old man*

• Secretary of State – Sycophantic loser who can’t look in the mirror

• Secretary of the Treasury - Sycophantic loser who loves looking in the mirror

• Secretary of Defense (War) – Cheating, alcoholic content provider

• Attorney General - Trump’s personal liar and eye candy – thrown out when Trump goes

• Secretary of the Interior – Billionaire climate-change denier

• Secretary of Agriculture – Incompetent empathy void

• Secretary of Commerce – A simple toady idiot


This list goes on to include anti-vax sociopaths and dog murderers, all of them sex trafficker apologists. If you need to know exactly how this list continues, then something is seriously wrong....


* He was around at the same time as Paul von Hindenburg, the second president of the German Weimar

Republic



Image credit: stablediffusion.com

Get ready to ride on Gordon Bennett Railways!


Dear happy commuters and supersaver ticket holders,


We in the Labour government are thrilled to unveil the exciting new name for Britain's renationalised train company. We'll be calling it Gordon Bennett Railways, because this mild expletive is what you're most likely to be muttering while on board, as in:


'Gordon Bennett, this train's fuller than a can of sardines.'


'Gordon Bennett, we've been waiting in this cutting outside Crewe for a sodding age.'


And: 'Gordon Bennett, the points have failed at Clapham Junction, and I'm going to be 20 minutes late for work again.'


We could have spent some taxpayers' money sorting out the problems at Crewe and Clapham Junction, but we blew it all on hiring an overpriced branding agency to come up with a new livery design for the locomotives.


They'll now be a lurid mess of red, white, blue and hi-viz yellow - flecked with dead leaves, graffiti and rust - which will have you exclaiming on the platform: 'Gordon Bennett, what a sodding eyesore.'


All aboard! Or, all a-bored! Which you will be, after waiting three hours for a train at Carlisle.



Image credit: stablediffusion.com

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