China meeting got me a whole hill of beans, brags Trump

"It's the bigliest meeting ever in the history of bigly meetings," boasted Donald Trump on board Hot Air Force One.

"I slashed the rates on all my tariffs on China and, in return, Mr Xi said he might stop refusing to sell us his rare earth metals. But he didn't actually agree to anything on paper because ironing out the details was too boring for me.

"Then he said he might think about helping to end the war in Ukraine by maybe talking to Putin about it some time in the future if he managed not to forget - and that's a great diplomatic victory by me.

"But best of all, Mr Xi definitely signed a contract to buy some sacks of soybeans from a bunch of US farmers with MAGA hats and pick-up trucks.

"In three months' time, we'll be buying them all back in the form of premium-priced soy sauce and tofu.

"I am the the greatest diplomat ever!" bellowed Trump, doing a pratfall down the aeroplane steps, "because I pulled off the greatest soybean deal in history!"

"Who said President Trump is doing international diplomacy on 'easy mode'?" croaked White House spokes-toadie Karoline Leavitt.

"It's really tricky handling all those buttons when you have such tiny little fingers."

image from gemini google

Following White House ballroom Trump unveils further US construction projects

Disbelief across the globe today as Donald Trump announced plans to have the iconic Statue Of Liberty demolished and replaced by a 500 foot towering effigy of himself in its place.

Speaking in the Oval Office to a claque of handpicked brown-nosing sycophants masquerading as news reporters, Trump broke off from a phone call with Ukraine's President Zelensky to explain.

'Yeah, park the missiles schtick for a few minutes, Vlod, will you? I got a more pressing matter here.'

'Right, listen up guys, my statue is going to be really great. A beautiful thing. People are already saying it's going to be the best and most beautiful statue on the planet. They're saying that. Yes they are. Everyone's saying it. True.

'But my plans won't change anything. And anyway, The Statue of Liberty is a disgrace. An ugly monstrosity of some dame covered in mildew and other crap. It's good riddance.'

When pressed on what the new installation will be called Trump said: 'We're not sure on a name yet. Some are suggesting it should be called "Most Glorious Trump Monument", and if that's what the public vote says then who am I to stand in the way of the people? We'll see soon enough after I get the ballot rigged.'

Preliminary drawings show an imposing likeness of Trump covered from top to bottom in gold leaf. On his head is a red baseball cap crafted from rubies, with the letters MAGA depicted across the front in pure uncut diamonds. 

Replacing the desk phone back on the receiver Trump added, 'Wow, that little guy is so goddamn needy. Tomahawks my ass. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I have many great construction plans for America. Next up after my statue we're starting work on filling in the Grand Canyon to build five thousand golf courses each with a 7-star hotel. It's gonna be the golfing capital of the world. FACT.'

image from grok

Deported migrant got more than £500

Border Force officials are pleased to see the back of an asylum seeker finally deported to Ethiopia today.

The press are reporting that the man was paid £500 so that he wouldn't make a fuss. Insiders say that he got a lot more than £500.

Our source said, 'That man was an ace negotiator. He was relentless. He asked for, and received, all kinds of amazing stuff.

'He got a signed photograph of Sir Mark Rowley, head of the Met Police, so that he could show his family who had lost out big time at hide and seek. He had to promise that he wouldn't share it with the press or post it on social media. He seemed very trustworthy, so our negotiators said yes. He also got Keir Starmer's wife's recipe for Lemon Cheesecake, the freedom of Epping, twelve sticks of seaside rock from Clacton, some nice clothes, and Sushi for the flight home.

'On the plus side, he has promised not to tell everyone in Ethiopia about the five hundred quid and the other goodies. So hopefully that will encourage Ethiopians to stay at home and not to take a trip to the UK.

image from pixabay