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Announcing a General Election, you'd think a government might have planned to have enough Generals in place. Not this one. With just a couple of weeks until the application deadline, the Conservatives are 190 candidates short in constituencies all over the UK.


In a last minute mad panic, vetting of candidates has slipped to a new low. One seat in Surrey Heath will literally be challenged by a seat. And not even a good one like a Recaro, just a rusty-legged, wonky, battered, old plastic village hall seat. With distasteful staining on it so grim, not even a mangy pigeon with diarrhoea would perch on it.


Another candidate in the Home Counties will be a clothes peg, and a broken compass with a constant spinning needle will be the Conservative choice in South Northamptonshire.


Not just one, but two ducks will challenge a flock of 100 feral chickens currently running the Norfolk village of Snettisham. And some dangerous air turbulence has been put forward as a candidate in the West Midlands. The main thinking being that at least it is grabbing some news headlines at the moment and voters might have heard of it.


One London borough will have the choice of half a contorted mannequin as their Tory MP. Intrigued, some voters are asking 'which half?'


And a bag of hangers will contest the Hartlepool election, but is still expected to win, given local appetite for bringing back the death penalty.


In perhaps the worst case of candidate vetting, residents in Somerset will be presented with the option of Jacob Rees-Mogg.


Picture credit: Wix AI


1962: Thaw in East-West relations as Kennedy and Khrushchev bond over amazing 'Cuban Missile Armageddon' video game.


1966: Referee Neville Chamberlain disallows Geoff Hurst goal against Germany for sake of 'peace in our time'.


1966: Colour television introduced. Couch potatoes discover existence of red, green, blue.


1967: Six-Day War. Israeli soldiers go on strike for five-day wars.


1967: Summer of love and drugs. Mary Whitehouse warns latest Cliff Richard song 'written under influence of Nurofen'.


1969: Festival of Drugs, Mud and STDs a surprise success when rebranded as 'Woodstock'.


1969: 'One giant f*ckup for mankind', says Neil Armstrong as he lands on Mars by mistake.


1973: Queues of panicking customers form outside sex shops as baby-oil crisis kicks in.


1973: 'Britannia caduca est!' wails four-year-old Jacob Rees-Mogg on hearing Britain has joined EEC.


1977: King of Rock and Roll hires 300-pound Elvis impersonator to die and be buried in his place.



Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

Paula Vennells (if indeed that’s who it was) today told the Post Office Sub-postmasters Enquiry that she had no recollection of ever having been Paula Vennells.


'I’ve seen - sorry, I’ve now seen - business cards, comp slips, headed notepaper and so forth,' she admitted. 'I concede that someone named Paula Vennells was indeed in charge of the Post Office for some time.


'But to suggest that it was me? I have no recollection of that.'


She went on to say that she had no recollection of ever having posted or received a letter or bought a stamp, and that during the period in question, she was living in Nepal as a goat.


Image by Sharon Ang from Pixabay

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