Trump rants over poor attendance at his Great State Unfair

'My Great State Fair was meant to be the centrepiece of America's 250 years of independence,' whined US Crybaby-in-Chief Donald Trump.

'It was organised by Freedom 250, a company set up by me - a businessman who has spent his entire life bilking ordinary Americans like sub-contractors out of their money.

'So why on earth didn't the whole population come to Washington to get ripped off at the my Great State Unfair's overpriced hot-dog and soda stands?' asked an irate Trump.

'Maybe because they were already getting ripped off by FIFA for beer and quesadillas at World Cup matches.

'I've got to hand it to those guys, they're good,' conceded Trump.

'After I've been impeached, I'm going to team up with them. We'll call ourselves FIFAT, and together we'll screw the world like you wouldn't believe.'

Image credit: chatGPT

Paddington Bear exposed as ‘marmalade monster’ in latest celebrity scandal.

Beloved children’s icon Paddington Bear stands accused of decades of marmalade-fuelled impropriety, in what the tabloids have dubbed ‘Paddingtongate - The Sticky Paws Affair.’

Once seen as the epitome of politeness and immigrant success stories, it has emerged that Paddington was less ‘charming foreign bear’ and more ‘sinister sandwich-pusher’. Several women have come forward describing incidents where Paddington cornered them under the pretence of offering them a marmalade sandwich, before making unwanted advances.

One BBC presenter said Paddington would often grope her with his paws. 'The moment cameras stopped rolling, it wasn’t just the marmalade that got sticky,' she revealed. 'He had a suitcase full of ‘special sandwiches’. The smell alone could knock you unconscious. He’d say, eat this sandwich darling, or you’ll never work in children’s television again,’ she sobbed.

There have been further allegations that Paddington ran a ‘marmalade cartel’ stretching from Windsor Gardens to the upper echelons of the BBC, silencing complaints with veiled threats involving the Wombles.

'He’s been running this town for years,' said one anonymous TV producer. 'It’s no coincidence that Postman Pat lost his job after he questioned Paddington’s sandwich expenses.'

Paddington has released a statement denying all allegations of sinister marmalade deployment, blaming cultural misunderstandings and insisting that ‘darkest Peru had different sandwich customs’. However, insiders claim Paddington is preparing for a legal fight, having assembled a formidable defence team including Sooty, Basil Brush, and a former PR advisor to Mr Blobby.

As the scandal unfolds, the Queen’s portrait with Paddington has been quietly removed from the Buckingham Palace gift shop, the BBC has launched yet another inquiry, and #Unbearable has been trending on Twitter. One thing is clear: no one will look at a marmalade sandwich the same way again.

There has been no official comment from Downing Street so far, though an unnamed source said the Prime Minister is ‘relieved it’s not Larry the Cat this time’.

Channel 4 has announced it will suspend its upcoming 'Paddington’s Great British Bake-Off Special' until a thorough and impartial review is conducted, which will be led by Bagpuss.

In a surprise twist, Rupert the Bear has announced a tell-all memoir titled ‘I Saw What Paddington Did’. Sources claim Winnie-the-Pooh is also preparing to break his silence, although insiders warn Pooh is in no position to talk.

Meanwhile, bookmakers have slashed odds on the next British icon to face scrutiny, with Fireman Sam and the Honey Monster emerging as early favourites.

Image credit: yeri.ai (thanks, lockjaw)

Defence Spending Plan includes improving VAR

The UK will set aside £5bn on drones to determine if a ball has crossed the line, with the precision normally reserved for missile trajectories. Predator drones will hover over the pitch to confirm whether a striker’s toe is existentially offside. And instead of slow-motion replay, you will get a 3D battlefield reconstruction narrated by someone deeply serious, probably Jeremy Bowen.

An MOD spokesman explained, 'It's about priorities and, let's face it, we all prefer football to war.' The nature of warfare and refereeing has changed significantly, so even goal celebrations are paused while drones confirm that the joy is justified. 'From now on, substitutions wo;; require clearance from three aerial units, and every throw-in will be treated like a low-stakes border crossing.'

Military-grade target tracking will finally answer the difficult questions. Was it a handball or weapons of mass destruction? VAR officials will now say 'confirm visual' instead of 'hang on, still checking'. And a disputed penalty will trigger a full intelligence briefing. But ultimately, after spending billions of pounds on the technology, MOD VAR will still take four minutes and will still get it wrong, anyway.

Image credit: ChatGPT